Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Some days are just good. You just have to dig a little to find it. My wife has a crazy habit of always looking on the ground when she gets out of the truck. When she does she more than likely she'll find a piece of change or sometimes a dollar on the ground.

If you think about it, that is an excellent metaphor for what I am saying. That sometimes you got to dig a little deeper to find the good. Yesterday wasn't a particularly bad day, but I was physically tried and spent most of the day napping. The last few days had been hectic, with few results from my work.

Well after my nap and sleeping through most of the night, I awoke to a message on my phone. It was someone dear to me, letting me know my words were not in vain. That they spoke truth to them. It was my penny on the ground, my little piece of luck that's inspired me today. Faith and patience are sometimes all it takes. All you got to do is your best to have both.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Sorry I been away, but my family and I took a quick holiday to the coast. Even though I took my laptop, I didn't take it out of my briefcase the whole time. We had a good time, even though our children are in their late twenties, it was nice to interact with them as adults.

The one thing I took away personally from this trip was to need to escape the pressures of life. While my life is mostly stressed by internal forces, allowing myself to get away was a nice treat to looking at these four walls. Yes, the travel was a bit stressful, but traveling with the family allowed me to sit back and let them drive.

We often go to this quiet sleepy island on the coast. While it can be crowded, I am familiar enough with the island to know where the "out of the way" places are located. My advice would be to not let yourself get too claustrophobic. Take a walk, breathe some fresh air, if only for a little while. Life is meant to be lived, take small steps to free yourself from the chains of panic and anxiety.

[fduop]

Good Morning

Shortly my wife and I are heading to town to run a few errands. It's nice to know I'm able to do that, because not so many years ago I couldn't. When panic first hit me and kept coming back with repeated attacks, I was crippled by it. I couldn't get out of bed, I quit my job, I basically cease to function.

The problem was in our household there was no back-up plan. We had four small children and my wife is disabled and not able to shop or handle other outside task. By shear will was I able to get in my car and shop for food and pay bills. By the time I rushed home, I was dripping with sweat and spent for the day.

These are days I don't like to look back on, but they are days which me and my family lived. While I can pay tribute to the doctors and medication that helped, and maybe even pat myself on the back a little bit. In all honesty it was the helplessness in our children's eyes that drove me the most.

When facing the life changing diagnosis like a mental health issue, it's nice to know you can dug deep within yourself for strength. Because without the love and need of others, including myself, I would still be under those covers or worse. So when facing what looks like an insurmountable situation, dug deep within yourself and ask, is this it? If you dug deep enough the answer will be, No.

[fduop]

Good Morning

I thought today I would talk about my on going treatment for panic, anxiety, and depression. For the longest time medication (Xanax, then Paroxetine and Buspirone, now Fluoxetine and Buspirone) and some cognitive therapy are what I used to treat my illness.

But over the last few years I have dove deeper into using meditation as a form of overall anxiety and depression treatment. While I still take the last two prescribed medications, facing my fears of death and agoraphobia also helped me to thrive while still living with this illness.

When I suffered my first major heart attack a few years back, it forced me to face my fear of death. For years it was the fear of dying that stressed me and kept me up at night. But once the situation became real, I felt a degree of calm. Now it might have been the meds dripping into my vein that did it. But in all honestly that since of peace and calm has outlasted that particular medication.

Once I got out of the hospital, I started taking my physical health way more serious. I discovered that walking meditations worked best for me. It gave me a sense of calm quietly paying attention to the world around me. While also allowing me to take an easy low-impact approach to better health.

Now my way, may not be your way. The main thing is, be proactive, I can't stress that enough. Face your fears. Believe me I stepped to the edge and frankly it's not as bad as it seems. If you work to do your best and are frank and honest with the one's you love. Life will go on just fine with or without you. Peace.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Summer's almost here and it definitely feels like it here down South. The expected high is going to be 95f / 35c , which for us is about par for the course. Those of us with panic and anxiety, tend to spent a lot of time focused on the conflict going on inside us. The paralyzing fear that an other attack is going to occur. I know that panic likes to sneak up on me in a variety of ways.

Sometimes it's the classic, can't catch my breath and heart palpitations. Or it can be the sudden onset of a bowel movement (this is my favorite). Where at the most inconvenient time I have to go, badly. Over the last several years this has been my panic's go to modus operandi.

As put together and as experienced as I may seem to be I often put off outside appointments until the storm passes, which is about the time I'm set to leave. These are hidden truths we don't like to discuss, and believe me I understand.

I wish I could give you some pearl of truth as to how to combat this situation. All I can say is I try and follow a mostly vegan diet with home cooked non-processed foods. I stay away from caffeine as much as I can and try and take on a good amount of fiber rich foods. In other words, if the pipes gonna flow, make sure it flows well.

Like Gunny Highway said in the movies, "improvise, adapt and overcome". That's all any of us can do. The thing is, panic and anxiety do not have to rule your lives. Do what you have to do, to be the happiest person you can. Take positive steps to do the best you can.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Sorry I been gone for so long, but I was knee deep into completing my next book. So the last several days have been a wreck. But the launch date has been set and now we should be ready to go. It is days like these that remind me how individuals in the real world have it rough.

Frankly I'm wrapped up in a lovely bubble of quiet and isolation here in the hundred acre wood. But for most of you, you have to suffer through the noises and crowds of a normal city life. Me, I have to put up with old people on golf carts and my Farmer-what-a-be neighbor's bellowing goat.

Still every so often my mind and body get caught up in a whirlwind of panic and isolation. It is at those moments where I either shy away and grin and bear it. The sad truth is, life continues with or without me. And the obligations that I'm placed myself under have to be met. In other words, the electric company doesn't care about my panic disorder. They just want to know when the light bill's getting paid.

So I meet my obligations as best I can. Mostly by adapting this worlds systems to meet my needs. Years ago, I would have to force myself to get out and pay my bills. Now most every bill I have to pay is done online. Is this a cop out? Maybe. But it helps me to function and survive.

The thing is we all have to interact with a world that causes us hurt and pain. Might as well use the tools we have to decrease that isolation. And to give us that suffer, some degree of normalcy, as we work through our shared illness.

[fduop]

Good morning.

Took the weekend off from everything, had a lot of negative vibes going on around the house. I'm usually not one to get into that kind of stuff, but our oldest was moving out for the first time. And you would think we were attending a funeral. Hell she's 30 years old, her mother and I were thinking, "it's about time".

Seriously I often worry about her and many of her generation. They don't seem to take to pressure well. I mean our children were not brought up privileged, in fact I was going through my worst years of panic while they were young. I guess I wear a thicker skin due to the abuse I put up with as a child. I don't know, maybe that has something to do with it.

Life hands us all kinds of shit. It's up to us to see how well we handle it. I do my damnest to be as good a parent as I can. When compared to my own, I think I'm doing better. At least I told my children they have potential, while not sugar-coating the fact that the world can be a cruel place. We should look at ourselves and question our motives, it's one way to keep us honest.

The thing is, don't be afraid to ask yourself tough questions. With love and compassion, explore your motivations as to why you do the things you do. Admitting we were wrong doesn't have to be a death sentence, not if it's done with love towards yourself.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Sorry to be gone so long, but my internet and phone system was down for a week. So I have been playing catch-up ever since. But I did write something while off the grid you might enjoy.

I don’t think of myself as not much of a materialistic person. I mean I have my gadgets, but even those are nothing more than apps on my phone. Checking in with my publisher this morning, I was pleasantly surprised by the sales of my latest self-help/confessional book (#try). And while I hope that each copy brings a little light to each person who reads it. Knowing that people appreciate your work enough to pay for it is a rewarding and humbling experience.

Spending a good chunk of your life under a cloud of self-doubt kills whatever potential you may have. And no matter how successful you may eventually become, you always have that seed of failure planted in your soul. I know that for me those seeds of self-hatred and pain, still haunt my thoughts and dreams. By burying those thoughts you only plant the seeds deeper. Denying the seeds even exist only waters them even more.

The thing is those seeds are planted there, rather you like it or not. But I discovered that by giving those fears a voice and by listening to them compassionately. Are you able to bring that pain to the surface where you can eventually let it go. Listen I’m not a therapist or some Guru on a hilltop. I’m just a man who lives with a lot self-doubt. All I know is I’ve tried a 1000 different things to deal with my inner demons. And all I can tell you is, by embracing the hurt child within me and telling him he’s loved. I am now able to make peace with myself and to take the steps I have taken to be the person I know I can be. The secret to it all is simply trying.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

I wrote this yesterday while having a panic attack. It was one of the worst ones I've had in a while. I originally posted this to a public blog I write to make people aware of mental Health issues.

I felt good this morning, I had plans to make it a productive day. But as the morning wore on the stresses of the day began to over take my mind. To the point where I’m closing myself off just to get some relief from the tension and the pain. It doesn’t take much to set off the alarms, to bring on the headache, the twitching muscles, or the tightening chest. Yet here I am falling completely apart.

So I hide, I hide myself here in my prison of isolation controlling my breath. Working to breathe through the insanity, the moments of fear that I now feel. For the moment I can’t process much, my whole focus this keyboard and my words. The irony is after 20 years, the causes are a bit different, but the effects are still the same. Like talking myself down from a ledge. It’s almost like two people are present inside me, my rational mind and fearful body. Both fighting for control to either stand my ground or run like hell.

So in these moments I walk a tightrope between stress and insanity. Maintaining my balance as best I can, hoping not to fall one or the other way. But at the moment the fear is lifting. The headache is loosening and my pulse slowing down. Who needs exercise when you have Panic Disorder and GAD, to whine you up every once in awhile. Knowing this about me, I often wonder why people need me. I mean after all I’m such a total wreck. But it’s those hearts that often remind me, fool stand tall, you’re not gone yet.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Not much going on just the dull routine of living a normal day. My book launched earlier this month and sales are already flattening out. I guess since I'm not one of those that toots has own horn it's going to be that way. But since I am independent publisher, I might want to get off the stick and promote it.

I getting tried of saying life treats me this way, because in actuality it is I that treats me this way. Life doesn't have to be some fake build up either. We simply have to get up with the mindset that nothing is going to happen unless you get it started. For me that's not always as easy as it sounds. After all I have to deal with my anxiety, depression, and self-hatred first.

We all have our crosses to bear, but it's up to us to carry it the best we can. I didn't ask to be created this way, but it's up to me to create the best version of myself with the material I have. The same can be said for you. Use what you got, and build on from there.

By the way my Author's page is: amazon.com/author/fdthornton I also have an Author's Page on Amazon UK.