Doing it By the Spoonful

[theharvestmouse]

Interesting what you say about your family problems with expressing love for one another. This is something that I feel has had a big impact on my life as well. While I love my parents and we had a good upbringing and they did their best for us I feel that there has always been a lack of physical showing of love. My two sisters also agree with me about this, as I got older I felt uncomfortable hugging my own parents and they also are the same.

[fduop]

Good Morning Everyone. I hate to sound like a "perky jerky" (someone who I think is way too perky all the time) but, despite what I know as fact. (That I'm broke, my body aches, not a lot of food in the frig, no prospects at work.) Still despite all that, I can't say I'm shouting from the rooftops. But my mind isn't sunk in a hole with no way to get out.

Is it my sheer will? Is it because I'm hopped up on my meds? Actually I think it's my mindset to look beyond what I see on the surface. And to be what I truly feel I can become. While this may sound very positive thinky or believe it, be it. I have more than a healthy realization of my limits because, I'm not pretty, I'm fat, and I'm over fifty. In American media that makes you a loser or even worst normal.

Aside from these realities, through planting seeds of love for myself and others, I know there are many positives in my life. For one I am working to better my health, despite myself, I have a strong independant family that think for themselves. And I have been blessed with the talent to express my thoughts clearly (?) so I can tell my story.

So to put a period on this post, I will say. Each of us has faults and it is okay to have a healthy realization of what those are. The key to overcoming the limitations our hearts and minds put on ourselves is to accept that we are not perfect, and that's okay. So while I'll never win Miss America, that's fine. I do know I have family that loves me anyway. And I know that by watering the talents that I do have, I may can write an encouraging word to a future Miss America.

The thing to do first is get to know and love yourself.

---------- Post added at 12:55 ---------- Previous post was at 12:26 ----------

Hello Harvest Mouse. I pretty much know what you're saying. It took me and my mom and dad a while to get comfortable saying "I love you". Thankfully, we got to that point before they both passed. Still even years later I get a twinge when I say "I love you". But it is an important thing to learn to say not only to others but to yourself.

[fduop]

Good Morning Everyone. Isn't it a bit ironic to feel you shouldn't post unless things are going bad? To be honest, that's how I've felt for the past couple of days. I mean life hasn't been perfect, but at least I'm not hiding under the covers. I guess life sorta' has a funny way of wanting to be told. Maybe I just identify with misery more so than with happiness?

Anyway, as I mentioned things are putting along. They may not be moving as quickly as I would want them, but moving is moving. Maybe that's the way we should think of it, moving that is. Because thinking back to some of my darkest times one of the things I hated most was that stagnate feeling of not going anywhere or doing anything.

Even when living in the moment you're moving from one moment to the next. Feeling trapped in stillness for me is a bad feeling. Seeing the world move and enjoy life while you just sit there. It's a feeling to me of waste of letting opportunities pass. It's like looking in the mirror and seeing an old man where a young man once stood wondering, "where did all the time go"?.

At times I battle those feelings of time wasted and unused. The thing is you have to not allow yourself to wallow in those feelings. It's natural to regret, but to regret forever is doing a disservice to you and others that love you. I guess my point here is, don't be ashamed of the good feelings and do not allow yourself to wait for the "other shoe to drop". Doing that guarantees you'll never have good moments. It can also rob you of opportunities to move yourself forward. If you allow your mind to dwell on the "what if's" too much. You'll never have many "could haves". Overcoming anxiety and panic are battles that lie at the heart of "what if's" and "could have's".

[fduop]

Good Morning. Well it's 10:15 AM here and the rain is falling, we had three beautiful sunny days this past week, so I will not complain too much. Here in this rural area which I live even on a good day it's an effort to go anywhere populated. So I'm happy my wife and I did our shopping and other business this past week. It gives me a day like today to just lay here and listen to the rain fall and have a moment of peace.

It's important for us to do that, in our American culture so much emphasis is put on running, running, and more running. Sometimes I see family and friends doing so much moving, I don't see how they ever enjoy everything. It makes me wonder how long it's been since they've stopped or even listen to thunder?

I guess my point here is with anxiety and panic a lot of it comes from our desire to be something else then what we are. We look at ourselves disappointed with what we see. Believe me, I can look in the mirror everyday and find a new fault. You see, there is nothing wrong with improving or desiring to change something. If that were the case, I would have never went back to school or work to improve my health.

No one is perfect and thankfully we are given opportunities to change. But healthy change only comes when we first love who we see in the mirror. Then from that point we can better ourselves or our situation. This has been a long hard lesson for me to learn and I still sometimes struggle loving myself. But once you plant and water that seed of love, the rest becomes a little easier. It is at moments like this when verses like, "love your neighbor as yourself", take on a new meaning.

[fduop]

Good morning everyone. Sad to say, I haven't long gotten up, but I have downed my daily drug store and at least one cup of decaf. But I waited to type while the thoughts were still fresh in my mind. Yesterday was kinda rough, my heart was beating irregularly and I was a bit uncomfortable all day. To be honest, I think the whole thing was more anxiety than actually physical. I maybe wrong, but after living with anxiety/panic for nearly 20 years, you kinda know.

But I slept fairly well and this morning I'm not feeling too bad. I guess my point in writing today is two fold. First I'm simple using this forum as my sounding board to relieve my anxiety. The second is to let you know that even with a string of good days, bad ones may still sneak in. The key is recognizing those days as what they are and remembering no one's perfect. Then don't beat yourself up when they happen, but look at it with love and compassion.

This is never a smooth process, it's taking me years to convince myself I'm worth my own love. So live each moment and don't live life waiting for the next panic attack. Just be aware when it does happen compassion for yourself is key.

[fduop]

Good afternoon everyone. Well I made it through the last few days. As am sure you all realize panic and anxiety can make you think things are never gonna get any better. At lest that's how it worked on me for many, many years. It took me totally reevaluating my treatment and mindset to bring me to the better place that I'm at now.

While none of this is perfect, at least the periods of dread are shortening. And I'm understanding more each day that the only thing I have control of is how much I respect my own value as a person. Because without that I might as well give in to the seeds fear, jealousy, & hatred.

I'm sure some of you are tired of hearing me beat the same old drum. But if the method works why change the station. Planting seeds of love with yourself and others is the best way to hold down those seeds of self destruction. Call it enlightenment or salvation or whatever, but when you decide to give yourself the love that others may already give you. Like myself you'll realize your worth fighting for, that is the key to overcoming our shared trouble.

[Davit]

Well that certainly sounds like a positive attitude, it should take you far as I know from personal experience. Like today, I got rained out of the garden which is okay especially as I love the sound of rain.

[fduop]

Good morning everyone. I usually give it a day or two when I post, but I felt I should mention this now. For the last few weeks, as you may recall, I have been involved in a new business venture. Well to be honest, I have kept my sales territory limited since I started. I want to work slowly out of my comfort zone and I thought this was the best way to do it.

Unfortunately, my success has been very limited. So I decided yesterday to expand my territory by contacting some friend outside my comfort zone and setting up some appointments. Here's the catch and the reason I'm posting. Ever since I got up this morning my body has been in total rebellion. By that I mean, being light headed, bad headache, and just a weird feeling of disorientation. All the classic symptoms of my panic attacks, all be it very mild.

You see today my wife and I had planned to visit our daughter some 40 miles away, then go out to dinner. Since getting up and feeling this way it occurred to me, that considering the decisions I made yesterday and the planned trip today, have set my panic into a tailspin. It's a bit ironic because after so many years of living with this this still occurs.

But I'm learning to not look at this as a failure or flaw in myself. It's just part of the nature of panic that is definitely not of mine or anyone elses choosing. Once you realize this is just another step in your battle with panic/anxiety, you realize by stepping out of your comfort zone, that "this too shall pass." It's not a perfect plan, but it has at times worked for me, even though I still panic. (Go figure?)

So my reason for posting this is two-fold. First to encourage others that are suffering and second to show the reality of it. By opening up honestly and freely to you, it not only shows it's a long-term journey, but also that it's a journey that can have rewards. Lord knows I'm far from perfect, but hey that's okay. With some understanding, a little insight, and just plain trial and error, hopefully we can deal with the hand we are dealt.

As a last note, Davit, thank-you for the kind words.

Now I got a trip to make.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon Everyone. Just dropping a short note to tell you all that we did make the trip to our daughter's and guess what, I didn't die, despite what my body was telling me all day long.

As I'm sure you all know, panic is a bit#h. Because even after our successful trip, yesterday evening and even this morning, I was physically exhausted. So sometimes even with a victory there is a price I pay.

But hey, mentally after some rest I'm feeling pretty good. I don't think I can stress enough the importance of tenacity and just plain stubbornness in living with panic. So while I don't think I'll be flying around the world anytime soon, getting my ass out the front door for now is a victory.

[fduop]

Good afternoon everyone. I tell you what as we say here in South Georgia, "when it rains it pours". Not that it has been a really bad week it's just as when you think you're getting ahead. You end up back in the hole (moneywise).

I'm not going and sit here and bore you with my money situation, cause I know we all have them. It is ironic how the daily pressures of life can gather together and create one big snowball. But what I and every one of you has to realize is trouble's come and trouble's go, it's all just a part of life.

One secret to living through trouble is looking for a silver lining in it. In my situation it's our refrigerator is giving out. But it could have been much worse, because we were going to buy groceries. If we had, we would be in much dire straits then we are.

I guess the teaching moment (Don't you hate it when people say that?) here is, panicking at times like this are not worth the effort. If I've learned anything in 50+ years it's that not every disaster is a disaster. That breathing in a good clear breathe can solve a lot of problems. You'll take care.