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  1. #11
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    May 2014
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    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    applec

    It did me some real good to know that small steps are helping you to. Over the past few days I've really had to fight the anxiety. But after 14/15 years of battling this, I feel some real victories in my life. But don't forgot your small victories either.

    Whether I remember or not, I have fought and earned two college degrees while having panic disorder. Now I'm working (hard) on my Masters degree in technology management. So while I can say panic and anxiety have a hold, I can also say they haven't won either.

    Maybe I'm too smart or just too damn stupid to give-up. Either way, maybe it's just that I'm tried of being tried that makes me keep fighting.

    Best to you apple

  2. #12
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    It's been a really busy few weeks, school has really been taking out of me. But to my surprise, the struggling has paid off. Today I seem to be able to hit the books with a renewed focus which has been nice. I can only pray that I keep up this momentum for the next two weeks of class.

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    32

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    Really appreciate your kindness and support fduop. You have achieved so much, despite your struggles, and not let social anxiety stop you.

  4. #14
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    ac

    I tell you what, it's working to stop me today. Yesterday I was doing pretty well, then I got an email from my school of all places wanting to do a story about my struggles and how I've been working through them. At first I was flattered that they thought my story would help others.

    But since then my anxiety has been through the roof. I mean nothing has been put to paper yet and I'm stressing that my "dirty little secret" is out for the world to see. It's stressed me so that I didn't sleep well at all last night and today my chest feels like I got a boulder sitting on it.

    The more I tell myself this is silly, the more stressed and lightheaded I get. At the moment all I can think of doing is push on and not run. To stand firm and not allow this thought to steal my day. I am better than this and I will bet this. I am so tried of running every time that specter of fear decides to come, I am better than this.

    Sorry to vent all over you ac, I just had to get that out. One of the best ways to defeat a unwarranted fear is to stand against it. It may not leave that second, but at least I can make it as uncomfortable as I am.

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    32

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    Quote Originally Posted by fduop View Post
    ac

    I tell you what, it's working to stop me today. Yesterday I was doing pretty well, then I got an email from my school of all places wanting to do a story about my struggles and how I've been working through them. At first I was flattered that they thought my story would help others.

    But since then my anxiety has been through the roof. I mean nothing has been put to paper yet and I'm stressing that my "dirty little secret" is out for the world to see. It's stressed me so that I didn't sleep well at all last night and today my chest feels like I got a boulder sitting on it.

    The more I tell myself this is silly, the more stressed and lightheaded I get. At the moment all I can think of doing is push on and not run. To stand firm and not allow this thought to steal my day. I am better than this and I will bet this. I am so tried of running every time that specter of fear decides to come, I am better than this.

    Sorry to vent all over you ac, I just had to get that out. One of the best ways to defeat a unwarranted fear is to stand against it. It may not leave that second, but at least I can make it as uncomfortable as I am.
    Wish I could help. You shouldn't feel that you need to do that story for your school. That is HUGE, even for someone without anxiety. You're really brave to even consider it. Maybe at a later stage, when you are feeling stronger perhaps?

    No way is it a dirty secret though. So many people feel this way. We mustn't feel ashamed.

    Hope there was something good about your day. I keep a 5 nice things diary - force myself to write in it every day. Even on really bad days, there is usually something that you can look back on with pleasure, even if it's just eating something nice.

  6. #16
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    ac

    You're right about that, if you can't find a little good everyday, what's the point of getting up. But to let you know, after some meditation and writing my last post and jotting down some thoughts in my journal, I'm feeling better. Tried, but better.

    I had a conversation with a "normal" friend of mine earlier, and I was trying to explain how those stressed out moments can really take the wind out of you. Even after you start feeling better. But I feel better about allowing them to do a story on me. I mean, it's not like I don't do that already in a blog I do.

    But ac, I do appreciate the advice, if I don't hear from you over the weekend, you have a pleasant weekend and I'll see what ten good things I can list.

  7. #17
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    Well this has been one stressed out weekend. 90% of my stress comes from class while the other 10% is just the world. I more than realise that it's all "what if's" that are doing this to me. Still it doesn't make living with the pressure any better. In fact it is so exhausting that even when I'm over the stress, it still takes me days to get over it.

    But I'm doing all that I can to survive the day. I'm exhausted, but still kicking. It's a bit ironic that here I'm with all this crap floating around in my head that causes me panic and anxiety. Yet here I am wanting to fight this and bet this stuff. At times it feels like I'm two different people one fighting and one giving in.

  8. #18
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    I hope no one minds me making this my sounding board for my anxiety. But after posting, I usually feel a bit better and more in control. I just finished my course work for this week and now I'm preparing my mind for this final week of class.

    This week includes a final exam, discussion post, a team product, an individual project, and a quiz. Yeah I know, it's a full plate. But as I posted the last time, I'm simply going to do the best that I can. Spoke for a moment with my instructor via email, and she simple said do you best my good grades so far will carry a lot of weight toward my total grade.

    I guess what I telling myself is, do what you can, and let the "what if's" fall where they may.

  9. #19
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    After posting yesterday I feel a bunch better. The stress really lightened up, but if you were to ask me how, I simply couldn't tell you. It was either the scheduled meds or just being so mentally/physically exhausted.

    Today I'm cautiously optimistic I got a therapist appointment out of town. My problem is when I go to my therapist I'm so stressed by the time I get there. I say anything just get out and head home. Today I'm hoping to chill and let her know what's been going down.

    Well wish me luck on my journey this is a long trip for me. And I worry that I get light-headed, but I have to realize that it's the panic attacking my fears.

  10. #20
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    690

    Re: Doing it By the Spoonful

    Today was pretty rough, I took my final exam for the class and didn't do well, which is par for the course. The pressure continued for a while after class, then I took a short trip that eased the pressure some. So a while later my wife and I took a short trip out of town to get a milkshake, which did the trick in easing my mind.

    Other than that, I have only two more final assignments t do by Monday and this nightmare series of finance courses are over and I can once again concentrate on my course of study systems technology.

    But I am learning through this I can do a lot more than I thought. That putting myself out there is rough, but I can do it. I just wish the lesson wasn't so painful.

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