Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Deano

Thank-you, for the encouraging words. At times when writing here or on my blog, I often wonder if there is anyone out there. While the words I write are meant mostly as an outlet for myself, it's still nice to know an experience or thought I had can help others. So thanks.

To continue on the thought of being my own worst enemy, for so long I used medication and therapy to block out or mask my internal struggle. When all along opening those thoughts or seeds to the surface was my true relief.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not as simple as it sounds and it requires work and struggle on your part. Still for me, the whole idea of mindfulness and being in the present has really helped me face my doubts and fears that are rooted in my past and future. By looking at my fear and anxieties as seeds buried in my mind, through mindfulness, I am able to address, love, and comfort those past thoughts.

I'm still quite the novice at this and as you read my posts, everyday's not "wine and roses" for me. Still much like mindfulness, I take it one day at a time.

[Deanosbeano]

Hey Fduop,
No worries ,
I owe a lot of my own success over the past 6 days to this forum and people like yourself , whilst i knew from the first moment this was a battle for me and my own Psychi to ultimately win ,I dont think I could create a strong enough me to fight it without the little pieces of reassurance i have gleened from reading this site and the comforting words of the people within .
Back to work tomorrow after a week of some very strange and new experiences , that will be the ultimate test i reckon but i have been volunteering during my week off just so i could be around people and be working and fighting off those little trigger sensations .
If i succeed it will be because of words from people like yourself

So cheers and keep it up and i hope the fact you know your helping others allows you to feel great too

cheers

[fduop]

Thank-you Deano

It's very nice to hear a kind word, sometimes in life it's those small words that make someones whole day. I've noticed when I take a moment to be kind or have a nice word with someone, it usually comes back in a good way. I guess it all goes back to the lessons I learned from my grandmother. She would have all these amazing "one-liners" or "old wives tales" she'd say. One of those being, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", which I'm sure we've all heard. But it's a truth that goes along way towards how we should treat others. When tying all this together with our anxiety, even as we suffer, we should try and be mindful of others. Because, you never know when you may depend on the help of that person.

As I close my thoughts here, for the last few days I've done okay. The weather has been nice, it's 90 F and with a low dew point it feels 90, not 106 F. Still my health hypersensitivity has really been working on me. I just have to remind it that, life and death are all the same and that fearing either one makes you no extra points. Also remember, during your busy day to take time to notice your steps and to be aware.

[fduop]

Well as I predicted I had to call first responders to my house this morning. While working my class project, I got pretty light-headed and disoriented, so I panicked. Thankfully, after the paramedics checked my vitals everything was within, let's say okay levels. They got ahold of my doctor who advised I relax and lighten up on the computer for a day or so, and if nothing else happens, see him in the morning.

More than anything when the paramedics read off my vitals their comments really assured me I was doing pretty well. It appears I may have an inner ear infection, yet again.

I guess the reason I'm not listening to my dr now is to jot down the thoughts while they are still fresh. Maybe the lessons in this are, one don't be afraid to get checked. The situation with us with panic disorder is the wondering, is it all panic or something more. Next was the idea that even if you (me) feel okay for a while, we still need to be aware of what we live with, and to not allow it to sentence us to a half-lived life.

Maybe this is the most important thing I can take from these "bumps" in the road. That allowing my mind to obsess with it, means allowing panic the victory over me.

[Deanosbeano]

Damn those setbacks heh
Had a couple of near misses myself today , Drs tomorrow for Blood results and get the ok to try some Herbal meds before full blown Pharmacutical versions , Just had a 1 hour Aromatherapy massage from the students in the Beauticians college , cheap as chips but thrice as nice , nothing make me feel better than a good massage and now i have ordered a little luxury hamper ( similar to Dean and Deluca in US) , tomorrrow i will goto my fave little plac in the country and sit there and eat it and debate these little demons lol.
Basically i tackle this thing with smiles at the moment , little treats that cost little money , i am determined that beatijng this thing will not lead to beating it but to a new way of lving in a positive manner .

[fduop]

It's amazing how when you start to feel better the other shoe is just dieing to drop. Let me back up for a minute to explain, for the past week or so (other than yesterday) I've felt pretty good about stepping out some more and heading back to work. The problem is when I speak to the people who are offering me work, the panic machine kicks into full gear.

It has happened yet again today, after just sending an email to the potential employer, without any commitment, here it goes panic city. If it sounds like I'm a bit mad, I guess I am. Mad with me, mad at panic, just mad. But what can I do? I guess all I can do is fight the good fight one day at a time.

Deano, I don't mean to rain on your good feeling, I just got to vent. But I'm glad to see you have some things that work for you. I'm just sitting here waiting for tomorrow, which in a way is sad. Because no matter my state of mind, I hate to waste time. Which may be part of the problem itself when thinking about the moment and mindfulness.

[Deanosbeano]

Hey fduop
I love the rain so rain anytime on my parade ,
Work and e-mails are probably the single biggest cause of my own troubles , especially 10 mins before end of the week when everyone sends there crappy backheel e-mails , these people dont realise although they have got rid of there own responsibilities until monday , they have made someone else shoulder it until monday .
they also dont realise i learned not to read e-mails 20 minutes before the last shift of the week lol .

[fduop]

After allowing myself to vent, I then spoke to myself about allowing me get out there again. Part of what I thought was the solution, which is only a band aid to be honest, was walling myself in. (I'm sure no one here knows about that) But to continue the healing process the wall will have to be opened. Which I guess is the part that frightens the child within me the most.

But realistically it's something that's going to have to happen at some point of the healing, for me to open up and be me again. Today I went and got a haircut which puts me in a social situation (all be it a comfortable one, due to a long friendship with the stylist). Being with them put me at ease and actually got me to enjoying myself. So now I am thinking, usually we stay in most of the time, but now I'm thinking about taking the wife out for a little while. She deserves a little time out considering she lives with an agoraphobic like me.

I guess the point here is living with up's and down's. So in this life all we can do is work to make the up's out number the down's as we make our way through this jouney.

[fduop]

While my wife and I had a pretty good time going out Friday, on the way back and for the last two days, I've been just worn out. More than anything the heat has got me beat. I have an assignment to finish Monday evening, but I can't get my mind into it. I have an appointment with my doctor Tuesday, so maybe it's an ear infection again.

Other than that, I feel alright mentally just headaches and poor balance. I think I'll resign myself to doing a little reading and breathing positive thoughts.

[fduop]

For everyone that follows my crazy, I hope in some way what I post relates and helps you all. With that said, last night I slept pretty well and this morning I got up with 4 assignments that I need to complete by tonight. As you know this weekend I have been out of it both mentally and physically, but this not the first or last time I've put things off till the last minute.

Good news though, I have finished 3 of the 4 assignments, but the last one is the biggest. But this isn't my "first rodeo" and most of the research is done, it's just a matter of putting it together and delivering to my instructor.

As a final thought, the title of this series of posts is doing it by the spoonful, which is the way I take each day. Because a while back, I would have panicked over getting all this work done. Now through my renewed efforts to center and focus myself, I will not tempt fate by saying I found the golden egg (answer to my problems). What I will say is practicing mindfulness has helped me lately more than most other therapies.