Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Good Morning.

I've always appreciated the idea of remaining anonymous here on NMP. Especially early on when I was in School and in business for myself. But now that my life has taken me in a different direction, in my public life I am very open and honest about the things I suffer from. I openly discuss the panic and anxiety I suffer with on my blog, social media, and in my books.

I don't say this to urge any of you to do the same. That is a decision you must make on your own. I suppose my point here is, in my life I've decided to be a let the world know of my hidden suffering. To shine a light on the negative stereotypes others place on mental health.

We live in a modern world where people with issues like obesity and mental health are still stigmatized and that's a shame. Why we treat these things with such a shame factor is beyond me. When I see an obese person (in the mirror every morning). I see someone who is struggling not someone who's just lazy. The same is true for someone with mental health issues (again, in the mirror every morning), we are not to be feared. We need to simply be understood and valued.

All of us here know first hand the shame and the embarrassment of living with a mental and/or physical health issue. Don't you think it's about time to stand up to the bullies and the misinformed and say no more. I am Ferman D. Thornton and I have Panic Disorder and Anxiety Disorder and I am a human being.

[fduop]

Good morning

just got back from the doctor's office. Was suppose to have lab work done, but since I didn't have my co-pay they sent me home. Normally I would Be a little bit pissed, but not today. I don't know if it's because I had a restless light or the fact I hadn't had breakfast. I guess I'm just not in a mood to bitch.

It's one of those days where I'm not inspired. Don't have a lot to say, just sitting here pecking at the keys to see what falls out. But we all have days like this where motivation takes a backseat to humdrum.

But you know what, that's okay. Sometimes life passes out the mundane to make the better days more exciting. Doesn't sound like much of an excuse, but it's the best I got at the moment. Keep moving forward, even if it feels like your walking backwards. Motion of any kind is better than nothing.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

I wish I could give you some bad news, but so far the day's been pretty good. Considering I've only been up a few hours. But does that really matter, my nose is stopped completely up, my head hurts, and my eyes are watery. These are things which I accept due to my location and allergies.

Life is like that you know, it never turns out completely right there is always a twist somewhere. Take for example our living with panic, anxiety, and depression. none of these things are fun, but we adjust, fight, and learn to live with it. The point of victory is when you decide to move forward.

Listen I've lived with this shit for 20 years, my first panic attack occurred in 1998. Since that time I've been riding the up's and down's of this illness. The bouts of anxiety, depression, and the agoraphobia that ride along with it. While this thing likes to crawl up my back in new ways, I haven't stopped fighting it. And that my friend is the point, fighting it.

There are no quick fixes, just your determination and willingness to fight. Lord knows, I'm far from being the poster boy for living well with panic. But I will call myself a fighter, and that's all any of us can do.

[fduop]

Good morning.

Maybe today is not the best of days for me to be on the forum. Really not feeling too well, stomach is still acting up and my sinuses are on fire. Around here if I mention I'm not feeling well everyone seems to go into a panic. I suppose because of my heart history, but honestly it's a respiratory issue than anything.

But I accomplished one task this morning so I might as well keep plowing the rest of the field. But I'd be lying if I didn't stay I just want to crawl back into bed. But what can you do? You have to muster up enough determination in yourself to get the shit done. Believe me when I tell you this pep talk is for me as much as for you. Cause, I ain't feeling it today.

If anything I want to be honest with you. It's been a struggle for me to go through this for a really long time. Now I have my good days, even a few good months. But sooner or later here it comes. Some little annoyance or problem of problem will arise and sent back down the rabbit hole. I don't wish to discourage many of you, I just want to be honest.

Life has dealt us the hand we have. So we can either fold and wait another deal or take what we got and bluff like hell. Either way, you walk away from the table head held high, knowing you tried.

[fduop]

Good morning.

Well I woke up with a bit of a shout last night around 3am. After dinner last night I took my evening medication and my stomach wasn't very happy. I had mild indigestion for a number of hours after dinner.

It eased up a bit before I went to bed, but around 3am it woke me up. Panic always looks for new ways to creep back into your mind. In my situation it will lay dominate for a while look for an opening and invite itself back in. I don't know about any of you, but that's the best way I can describe it.

So I did what I always do, I wrote it out in a blog post expressing how I felt at the moment. For me telling my story is a way to exercise the thoughts going through my head. Maybe using a public forum is an unorthodox way of doing it, but it works for me.

Still it's nice to be able to come here and exchange truths we those that understand my situation. I suppose if anything, I encourage you to post your thoughts here on the forum. I tend to think of NMP as a compassionate bunch that are willing to listen and to share your experience. Remember you are not alone, there are thousands of individuals just like you and I suffering and searching for relief.

[fduop]

Good morning.

I slept pretty well till about 5am, so I'll call that a win. got out of bed at 7 and just got through downing my morning pills and getting the coffee made. Yesterday was hell, went with my oldest to go buy a car. After spending most of the day test driving and negotiating price, we finally drove away with a new car.

So for me to say I was physically and mentally spent, would be an understatement. Even now my back hurts and brain's in a fog, but those are the things you have to do. Living with panic early on there were moments when I simply couldn't function. But with a family of six, you get over yourself real quick.

More than anything the thing that kept me going was the responsibility of having a young family. Panic tends to push us into a bubble of our own selves. Meaning it forces us to think and protect only us. But when you have four little ones and a wife with special needs. You are forced to look beyond your own needs and take care of things.

I suppose you could say, the disadvantage of having obligations (Family). Turned it into an advantage by forcing me to face my situation head-on. So don't allow yourself to drown in too much self-pity. Focus on the people that depend on you. When your drowning any lifeline to save yourself will do.

[fduop]

Good morning,

I'm trying not to let today be "one of those days". You know the ones, the ones where you avoid everything and just bury your head under the covers. I'm pretty sure this was going to be one of those days. But I had to get up early to take my wife to have blood work done early this morning. And nothing get's the blood pumping like fighting morning traffic to get to the doctor's office.

Now that we got that done, I can sit here with a cup of decaf and tell you all my troubles. Honestly the only thing that's really bothering me is my sinuses are stopped up and feeling a bit tried. But hopefully this will past and I can get something done today.

But that's the way it is, those of us suffering with panic and/or anxiety we just want to get something done. Our illness wants to put us in a corner in which we can't get out. I know for the longest time I've found myself pinned down to just a few places that I felt safe enough to go. It's a debilitating illness that seems to push the panic button and hold it down forever.

I wish I could give you a quick fix answer to this, but I'm an honest enough person to tell you I'm still searching myself. The thing is, to focus on living and to not focus on the illness. I know this isn't easy to do, especially when in the middle of a full blown panic attack. The thing is, recognize what is happening and understand at some point it will end. The more fear and dread you add to it the more control it will have over you.

I will never tell you this will get any easier, hell I've been dealing with this for 20 years. What I will tell you is, the more you fight and the more proactive you are with panic. The closer you will come to having a productive, happy life.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

First off, Kivan you are right you should be in charge of your own recovery.

It's a beautiful sunny, cool morning in the South. Most of the eastern half of the US is fighting another snowstorm, so you won't be hear me complain about a little cold. Not much on my mind today other than thinking about what I want to write and about the direction my website should take.

Which are all good things, because it seems it wasn't that long ago I was doing good to just get my head out from under the covers. Life has a funny way of moving without us. I suppose if nothing else I could say, let's all start paying attention to where our lives are headed instead of letting life steer about rudderless. Stay as focused as you can, and be proactive in charting the course of your own life.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

It's been an interesting uninspiring few days. We did go over and play with the grandkids for a few hours yesterday. But other than that I haven't written much other than a few correspondence to some friends. That in itself is unusual for me because I'm writing all the time.

But I think the break did me good and gave my brain a little down time. Every so often we have to do that, give ourselves a moment to switch off. The big problem with panic is the waiting for it to happen again. It always seems to be in the back of your mind, that at some point it's going to happen again.

Like I said, giving yourself a moment to rest is one of your best defenses against the anxiety panic brings on. Through meditation and acceptance, I have discovered that the greatest weapon panic has is the anticipation of it occurring again. Be proactive, don't give in to helplessness, and fight the good fight.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

I hate to admit it, but I feel pretty good this morning. Got a couple of funny text messages this morning and my wife woke up in a good mood. Win, win! Other than that my back is giving me a fit, I have a nerve that gets pinched and today is flaring up. But despite whatever physical problems I have, I try and take a good day when they come.

Our focus here is anxiety and panic and how it effects our lives. I know that for me it has changed my life and the lives of my family greatly. We went from working our way up the middle class ladder to hunting change from under the couch for the past twenty years. The missed opportunities, lost moments to shine, losing a home, and wasted time.

Yeah, panic and anxiety are thieves that only rob and steal from you. I suppose that's why I try and get up and fight them every day. Does that mean I get a win every day? Hell, No! But more days than not, I try. The thing is look beyond your own limitations for answers to your problems. Don't assume medication alone will solve the problem. Try other methods like mediation, exercise, prayer, whatever it takes to break that chain.

But most importantly, love yourself. I cannot stress enough how loving yourself is. For decades I bet down on myself for my failures and what did it get me? Nothing. By learning to accept you are only human and you will F#ck Up, will you be able to make some progress. Hell, read my old posts, you will see where I was still hating myself and staying miserable. Remember you will have days where you head is buried under the cover and that's okay. We have all done it.

There's not much more than I can tell you other than, try. It's all you can ask of yourself. Built a support system around yourself of people that genially care about you. And look beyond the box for ideas and helps that will get you through today. Be proactive and love the person you are.