Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Got up a lot earlier than I wanted to this morning. So I went ahead and wrote my blog post for the day. After taking a nap till 8 am, got up took my meds, had a little breakfast, and here we are. After I logged in yesterday, things got busy. I got the grass mowed for first time this spring, had the garden spot plowed under, even got a few weeds pulled from the flower plot.

I'm telling you these boring little details to say this. When you allow your panic and/or anxiety to take over your life, the little details of living can get swept away. Acknowledge the fact that you are panicking. Accept the fact that these feelings are coming over you. Once you do that breathe and don't fight the emotions. At some point those emotions will pass.

Half the battle is letting go of the fear. Accept the fact that it is happening to you, then let it be. The less stress you put on yourself, the less power you give it, and the less of an impact it will have on you. We are all just human, even I am prone to having a panic attack every now and then. The thing is, how are you going to deal with it? Proactively or simply give up.

[fduop]

Good Morning Still,

Getting a little bit of a late start this morning. Had to go into town and run some errands before Easter. Anyway, I"m hoping this is the last of the running around I got to do this holiday weekend. We don't necessarily celebrate holidays on their specific day. It's a weird family tradition that allows our daughter to spend actual holidays with her husband's family. I know it seems unfair, but eventually she'll figure that one out.

I had planned on traveling back home to visit friends. But decided against it due to the crazy traffic and due to a lot of my friends family will want time with them. So will head down on a non-holiday.

Holidays can be stressful times, believe me I know. I can recall it was the shear force of will that got me to many family holiday events. But there were other times where I simply can't attend due to my panic. But like most of us I came up with creative excuses not to go. But in reality the majority of the time was because of stress and panic.

The burden we bear can sometimes be a heavy one. And there are days when no matter how badly you want to be "normal", you can't. Despite all the proactive strategies me and others tell you about. Nothing works without self-love.

No matter what kind of progress I made, until I learn to get myself the benefit of the doubt, I never got better. So in this holiday season of Passover and new Life. How about giving yourself a little forgiveness and learn to forgive your own mistakes and shortcomings.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

It has been a crazy two days, my smartphone died, came back to life, and died again. So at the moment I'm stuck with my son's phone for calls and text, but at least it works. Used to I didn't stress about phones and stuff, I have my trusty old laptop. But the explosion of smartphone use has forced me into the smartphone age. And now I'm dependent on the damn thing.

I thought I'd be the last person to stress about new technology, but here I am unable to connect with friends and clients. Time I suppose to pull out some old school ingenuity and get through this super busy weekend.

I didn't sleep last night worrying about the phone, a trip I got to take to Savannah (big city), my wife being sick, and the trip back Sunday to Savannah. Needless to say, all the mediation I can muster isn't working. This just goes to show you even the best of us have bad days. So don't be surprised when it happens, because you are in good company. Just do your best and be proactive.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

It's been a few days since of last confession, but all and all, I doing good this morning. We want to visit the grandbabies yesterday and while the little one was fussy teething. But our 2 1/2 year old grandaughter was quiet chatty.

I suppose you take the good with the bad. I have often described depression as a tide, it comes and it goes. For me anyway, I just learned to go with the flow and not beat myself up too much about it. Although there are days when it's best I don't go out in public.

I suppose the thing I'm trying to say is, don't place anymore guilt upon yourself then you already do. The mind is a tricky thing, because it's a balance between chemical and environmental. Just realize we are fallible creatures that are prone to screwing up.

That's why it's important to learn to forgive others, as well as, yourself. We fight this condition we have everyday. The last thing you need is pile on more guilt and shame. Do the best you can and learn to love you.

[fduop]

Good Morning. Yesterday afternoon was lovely, the sun was shining and it was a peaceful, quiet day. But it's Monday, it's overcast it's cool and damp, and it wants to rain. The kids had to go back to school after the Easter holiday, so yeah it's a pretty miserable for everybody.

My wife is planning a weekend holiday herself. She and some friends are spending a three day weekend out of town. which means I get the bed and the big screen TV to myself. At my age that's a win, win. I'm not much on traveling anymore, I prefer day trips off to some quiet place.

I suppose what I'm saying here is life is unpredictable. You never know how it's going to end up. I don't care how good a five year plan you've put together, adjustments are going to be made. Several years ago I had a definitive plan put together for my life and career. Over the years I tweaked the plan, but about two years ago the bottom fell out. And since then, I've been putting the pieces back together.

The point is don't get too stressed when things don't go your way. Life is a series of compromises, learn to go with the flow and follow your gut. I might not be working at a fortune 500 company rolling with the big boys. But what I am is happy and at peace with myself, and isn't that the point in the first place?

[fduop]

Good Morning.

I hate feeling like I have to be in a rush, but I have to take our special needs son to the doctor this morning. He's suffering like the rest of us with sinuses, but he's developing a bad cough, so I'd rather be safe than sorry. Besides unlike the rest of us, he has insurance. God Bless America

Anyway, when you deal with anxiety and panic all your own, it tends to take a backseat when others are dependent on you. As i have mentioned before we are a family of 6. My wife and I and our 4 kids. While the kids are grown, I'm still left taking care of our autistic son and my wife how suffers the after effects of a stroke.

Things are much easier, but when the kids, were kids it was a bit of a challenge. Add to that my developing panic disorder and GAD, you can see it was fun for a while. But in all honesty, having to take care of a family forced me to focus not on myself, but my family instead. So in a way it forced me to get out of my agoraphobic and panicked state.

The thing is none of us enjoys living with panic and/or anxiety. So if the idea of having no choice but "to put up or shut up" forces you out, then so be it. This is a battle, there is no magic pill to cure this, it takes persistent work. Don't let panic win, fight like hell to be better. Be proactive and use what you can to overcome.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

This is going to be one of those, I really don't feel like being here, but I'm here anyway days. I took my wife yesterday to catch her ride to Charleston, SC for her Girls Getaway Weekend or as I like to call it a "Wine Crawl". I really don't mind her going, it's good for her to get away from me for a while and frankly vise visa.

All the girls thought I would be watching sports or fishing. But to be honest, I'm working on a long overdue kitchen project I'm going to surprise her with when she gets back. It's funny how people can assume things. Must women would assume I'd spent the weekend watching baseball or fishing. But just like suffering with a mental illness most of your assumptions can be wrong.

I feel said for us with panic and anxiety, and how we feel like we have to hide our illness like it's a Scarlet Letter. But it isn't, it's simply the circumstance which we live with. Don't let your own heart and mind tell you, you are anything less. You are a human being with faults just like everyone else. Live your life proactively, do the best you can, and remember you are not something less.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Well I assume things well be going back to normal, now that my wife is back from her holiday. I didn't realize how much her absents would mess up my routine, especially at night. But when you lay next to one person for 30 years, you tend to develop a routine.

For those of us with a mental disorder, at least in my case, routines are essential to being balanced. So I must say, last week and later this week will definitely pull on my routines. Earlier it was due to driving my wife to her ride to her vacation. Which met going through morning traffic in three metro areas. Later this week is involves drive through rush hour in a much larger city through their rush hour traffic.

Needless to say, I am anxious and a bit frightened. Not just because of the city, but most because I'm unfamiliar with the cities layout and the vehicle itself. But I keep telling myself, I've been through worse and you can get through this.

When pushed up against a wall, as uncomfortable as it is, I usually make it through. Especially when it comes to my family. If it's something that involves myself, I can back down to the anxiety. But with family, I seem to muster that extra strength that I need. I suppose what I'm saying is, to get through this life use whatever means you have to get through. It may not be much, but sometimes it's just that spark that will get you through.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

It's been a busy few days around here and my trip to Savannah took a lot out of mine. A lot more than I realized. But I'm here now feeling a little more energized than I did. As much as I hate to admit it, I not getting any younger or stronger. Last week between my heart health issues and my mental health issues I am spent.

As an American Southern Male, it's hard to say you've been beaten. But in all honesty here, I'm tried. Any ideas I may have had about bouncing back are done after this week. I think I'm going to have to take a little time to sit back and let the world go by. It's not that my writing pulls a lot out of me normally. But lately even that has been a pain.

If I were to leave you with a thought it would be, get to know yourself, realize what your limits are. Don't be afraid to say, I'm tired and need to rest. Be good to yourself and do your best to be kind to others as well.

[fduop]

Good Morning.

Well the last few days were kinda rough, and to be honest, this one isn't much better. While the suns finally out after a few days, my sinuses are still giving me hell. The other thing that's stressing my out is the fact I'm broke as a church mouse. My only means of income are my book sales and ad revenue on my websites.

I can't really work at a normal job, mostly due to my heart condition. And the government doesn't think I'm worthy of any assistance because I write. So I do what I can do to make ends meet. But despite all that Sh*t, I actually feel pretty good mentally.

For one thing, I don't bottle up all those emotions like I used too. I use this forum and my writing to vent my feelings and let those emotions go. I'm not saying you should tell your every secret to the world. But one great tool to fight panic and anxiety is to be honest with yourself. Stop trying to hide behind some false hope. Realize you are only human and humans screw up and have bad days.

I accept the fact that I am fallible and that I can't be perfect. But when the pressure is too much, I have a release value (my writing) to relieve the pain. I encourage you to do the same and look for a way to release that pain and that emotion. Find a constructive way to say, I still love me.