Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Over the last day or so, any positive thoughts I was having feel distant. I'm hoping that this setback is more a physical thing than anything else, but you never know. I'm going through some interesting mood swings where I'm having some real "bury my head in the sand" kind of days. Then I'll come out of it and have some real productive days.

These problems that I go through work in funny (ironic) ways, like once I overcome one thing. It seems panic and anxiety plan to fight me in another. That once I overcome one area of fear, another one pops it's ugly little head up, like a batch of weeds in an otherwise pretty garden of flowers. (Of all things, I've never thought of myself as a "pretty" garden of anything.)

Still, I've learned or trying to learn that most of the emotional damage within myself can be repaired through embracing the child within. Then telling that child it's okay, you don't have to fear anymore. I guess I just have to learn to believe it and to trust myself.

[fduop]

It's been just a couple of days since I last posted. During that time it's been a bit busy with running around with doctor appointments and errands. Other than that it's been quite hot and that has my mind obsessing. But other than one hiccup today with my daughter borrowing my truck, it feels less humid and cooler.

So I guess the theme of this post is take and cherise to good days when they come. This morning when doing class assignments my thoughts were clear and focused. When dealing with life's daily issues, I was calm and collected. Making the day so far a nice one.

I guess the last thing I can say is, be mindful of good days, and don't question them. Or allow your mind ask when is the other shoe going to drop. Take the day for what it is, just a good day.

[fduop]

It's kinda funny how you can get up feeling really bad (physically more than mentally) but during the day you end up feeling much better. That pretty much sums up my day. Got up feeling ill, and can't get back to sleep. Forced myself to eat breakfast and take my med's, along with something for my aching head and back.

I finally noded back to sleep and woke up feeling much better. I guess if I had the put a lesson on the day it would be, "each day you never know what you're going to get." "So no matter how bad it feels or looks, try and struggle through, you may end up having a good day after all."

[fduop]

In keeping with the theme of ironic (kinda funny), I received an email from a job recruiter a few days ago about a sales opportunity with their business. Earlier today that rep called me to discuss the job.

During our conversation, which was very relaxed, I noticed my heart rate increasing at the old familiar signs of panic showing up yet again. First my mind tells myself, "hey, nothing written in stone, you're just talking." But for whatever reason yet again, I retreat into those habits of fear and anxiety. Again, when I find myself being lazy and not doing my meditating or inner viewing, I shouldn't be surprised that old habits come back.

I suppose the thing I need to realize is that there still is much I have to do to get back to a good place. You may notice that I didn't say where I had been, that's because I believe I've had thinking and believing wrong for a very long time. So I have to keep in mind I've been this way a long time and it may take me a while to correct the problem.

[fduop]

Among the many things I've discovered about myself over these last several years is the fact that my anxiety finds new ways to fight me each and everyday. I know that sounds a bit like I'm fighting something outside myself. But in a way, it's the best way I can describe the things going on within me.

Recently, while most of the country has either had rain and cooler temperatures, here in our little corner it's still hot and humid. So my mind is using that as an excuse to hide and complain in my dark room. While I know in my heart, I'd be much better off in the outside world.

But at the moment that's the way it is, I do have appointments with my therapist and psychiatrist. I guess my biggest problem at the moment is building enough motivation to get the things I need to do, done. You see, at the moment I have only 3 more courses left till I finish my graduate studies. But finding the drive to get through these courses has been draining. I just can't get excited?

So for now I'll do my best to get through my current course and hope the next one generates a little more "desire". I mean I realize that life isn't always one adventure after the next, but there has to be some passion somewhere, right? Anyway, I'll close by saying be in the moment and find your drive.

[fduop]

It's been a few days since I posted to be honest sometime life gets get in your way and you just don't have anything to get off your chest. So I guess you can say that's how is been for me. Other than procrastinating my last few assignments for this class, I felt pretty good these last few days.

Sadly this week looks to not be much better, all I seem to focus on is when will this course end, and when will my classes finally be over. You know the course itself is interesting, it's Marketing, which I've never done before. Usually I'm pretty much gung ho about learning new stuff, I guess my new stuff cup is fairly full right now.

All I can say is, during my schooling I've only given up this go around a few times. But with every failure I've managed to pick myself up. So today instead of hiding my head under the covers to rest. I think I'll put this puppy into overdrive and get this stuff done.

If I've learned anything it's that a lot of the time you have pick yourself up in order to make it. But this has only happened through my many trial and errors.

[fduop]

Last night after this happened I thought I'd post a remark about the experience, if for nothing else but prove to myself I'm on a good path. As I wrote earlier this is finals week for my current class. Which means all hell breaks loose this week as far as turning in projects and taking test. That in itself stresses me to no end. But then on my distant learning team project no one appeared to step up to lead or tie together the assignment. Needless to say, the one person on the team who hasn't worked as a lead, still has no balls to step-up.

God it felt good to say that, anyway yesterday after spending 12+ hours building charts and running figures for my part. I went to sleep, but I didn't feel right (oh, yes. That again.) Anyway, I decided to read a portion of the book I read on fear by the buddhist monk I talked about earlier. He through his words reminded of something I now find profound.

He spoke of stress and fear being a strong wind and us being a tree in that wind. And to realize that during the storm as the wind bends the branches and twists the leaves, the trunk remains stable and strong. So by breathing deeply from the belly, we are concentrating on the trunk of our tree till the storm passes.

So I did that at 1:30 am and continued till my storm passed and fell back to sleep. In addition to that, I got some clarity of mind and told the group, I'd led and put the paper together. So instead of depending on others, I have the control to see the work done n my schedule.

If I must put a moral to this it would be, as the stress blows around us find your center, your foundation, and focus there, till the winds stop blowing.

[fduop]

Well it's late Sunday afternoon here, I just got back from shopping which I really hate doing, I think you know why. Anyway, when I got back home one of my kids my oldest daughter is having one of her "I can't take it anymore fits". It's ironic, you would think of all the people in the world that could understand her panicky situation, it would be me.

I guess the thing is, I'm not nearly as emotional with my panic, I guess it's all self-contained. Which I would guess makes her loud fits a good thing because she's getting it all out. I guess the real problem comes when she put my wife in a tizzy. Which puts the whole house in a tizzy.

Over the years I found that simply letting her be works best. It's just that you would think she know I really get it. One of the things I've learned in my situation is how to adjust. Another thing is, having a house full of people that depend on you while you're ill forces you to push through the problem.

Maybe that's one of the blessing I've had, in that with a wife and children depending on me, it forced a drive where in another life situation I wouldn't have such drive. But at some point she'll pop out of the room feeling better. And, I'll be right here to be her rock.

[fduop]

Hey everyone, it's Thursday afternoon here and I had an interesting thing happen this week. I got another job offer from a business wanting me to represent them in our area. They saw my profile on a business site and were impressed with my past work history. Fortunately for me, they didn't wonder how I've doing recently. But I have studied the product this week and I haven't felt the anxiety I've felt recently about going back to work.

I'm taking this as a good sign, maybe the work I've been doing to improve my condition is paying off. But just as the title of these posts, doing it by the spoonful, I'll do my best But I fail I'll do my best not to let it discourage me too much, then I'll just lick my wounds and try again. It's all any of us can do.

[fduop]

At the risk of repeating myself (like that doesn't happen everyday), I wanting to bring up motivation and breaking the bonds of anxiety and panic. Far be it from me to say I have the formula for breaking this illness most all of us have. Lord knows, all I can say is these are things and conditions that are in my life that I do.

First I have drivers that along with therapy and meds help me to function. Those drivers are my family that depend on me. It's ironic that one of these things that fueled the initial panic (doing for my family) is also a driver that forces me to function. Mind you they were not the only thing that fueled it, just a small part. Also, helping crawl back out is the therapy and my own meditative practices. Lastly, finally getting a good combination of meds that now work to calm the imbalances that are part of the whole picture. Mind you is not the whole answer, because if it was I'd be cured right? They are a part of what I'm working on to build the foundation function.

If I could say there was one thing all this "drama" has taught me. I'd say it has made me more self-aware of myself, who I am, and what place I have in life. So many "normal" people just live to live. Wandering aimlessly through life from one stage to the next, see what I'm saying, without having a grasp of the big picture. In other words you put one of them in our situation and how would they fare? Would they adapt and overcome or would they fall apart?

These are thoughts that sometimes run through my mind when thinking of people I know, that have no clue of my inner struggles. It allows me to speak to you honestly because of our kindredship of panic. So to wrap up these lines of pointless chatter, I will say that you make progress by simply moving into a different direction than the one you are in. So keep trying and failing and trying again. It's all we can ever do.