Losing the will to live - False Memories, Harm OCD and Panic Attacks

[jb569]

I've been suffering from intense anxiety for the last few days. I have had it before but I was feeling slightly better until this point. And now I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind and something awful will happen.

Basically, I've been suffering from a false memory for the last year which revolved around me touching someone inappropriately whilst they were sleeping. Since then I've been able to dismiss it as a false memory but now it's returned with a bang. Strangely, I'm so terrified that I will lose control and blurt out that I did it when I know for a fact that I didn't. But I get intrusive thoughts saying 'you're keeping a secret', 'you're disgusting' and I get really bad panic attacks over it to the point where I'm utterly convinced that I will lose my mind or something horrible will happen. Breathing exercises don't help much, if anything they make me feel more disorientated. I know that I didn't do it but the thought is so disturbing to the point where it feels too real.

Alongside this, I suffer from schizophrenia OCD and harm OCD and the intrusive thoughts about harming my family or others has returned. In the midst of a panic attack I feel like I am going to lose my mind and hurt others even though the thought makes me sick to the core. I'm on Citalopram 20mg but it's only been making me feel worse.

What can I do to alleviate this anxiety? I'm considering going to the hospital but I'm not sure whether I should. What can I do to bring some inner peace?

[spennock]

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm by no means an expert but I have been through some of the same things. First of all, if you feel like you're going to be a danger to yourself or others you need to reach out and get professional help. I suffered these thoughts as a small child. I constantly had these terrible thoughts about hurting my family or loved ones. It is really painful to experience because because it completely doesn't make any sense. I remember beating my head against the wall as a child trying to make them go away. I finally had some success with looking in a mirror and reaffirming to myself that what I was in control and I didn't have to follow through. What I did next is going to sound silly but it worked for me...look in the mirror at yourself and laugh. I know, right?! But think about how your brain is trying so desperately to make you miserable and how you don't have to follow it. I remember laughing about some of the Ludacris things that would pop into my brain. Try to have some sense of humor...and remember you aren't the only one suffering. Also I've found helping others helps. Just get out of the house, maybe help someone at the market with their bags or volunteer somewhere. In the meantime, glance in the mirror and tell yourself you've got this!

[jb569]

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm by no means an expert but I have been through some of the same things. First of all, if you feel like you're going to be a danger to yourself or others you need to reach out and get professional help. I suffered these thoughts as a small child. I constantly had these terrible thoughts about hurting my family or loved ones. It is really painful to experience because because it completely doesn't make any sense. I remember beating my head against the wall as a child trying to make them go away. I finally had some success with looking in a mirror and reaffirming to myself that what I was in control and I didn't have to follow through. What I did next is going to sound silly but it worked for me...look in the mirror at yourself and laugh. I know, right?! But think about how your brain is trying so desperately to make you miserable and how you don't have to follow it. I remember laughing about some of the Ludacris things that would pop into my brain. Try to have some sense of humor...and remember you aren't the only one suffering. Also I've found helping others helps. Just get out of the house, maybe help someone at the market with their bags or volunteer somewhere. In the meantime, glance in the mirror and tell yourself you've got this!

Hi, thanks for your post! I'm feeling weird at the moment but I've had a Valium so I'm okay! Yesterday I was just in a very bad state of mind where I felt like there was no escape. The false memory is just too horrible because it feels so real if that makes sense and I get intrusive thoughts like 'you're going to hell' etc which make me even more anxious and terrified. I'm going to try that looking in the mirror technique because the thing I need at the moment is the feeling of self-control and comfort. I'm just a tiny bit scared that the Citalopram will turn me into a homicidal maniac. I've read stories about people who have taken Effexor, Sertraline and Paxil and ended up killing people, which frightens me. I need to see a counsellor but my next appointment isn't until the 22nd, sadly :( But thank you for your advice!

[yappie94]

hi

i had the same thing sort of…. i was on 50mg of citalopram and after 4 months decide it wasn't working.. i switched to 50mg of sertraline and you know what… best thing i have ever done.. I've got my life back to normal ocd harm as 90% gone and panic attacks no existence and anxiety 90% gone aswell… just tell your doctor and keep changing medications ( give them 4 months before switching) and trust me there is a combination out there that will help you.. I've been there… and now I'm back on track..

hope the helps you