My troubles

[Claudiafullmoon]

Hi all, first time posting here but a lot of times reading, your posts have helped many many times so thank you all.
It's 2am and I can't sleep....I felt I needed to talk to someone..
Tonight I tried keeping a blank mind just before bed, normally it works but tonight the worries just came rushing, I could feel my leg veins throbbing so immediately thought DVT, but the gp ruled that out last week so it had to be something else....and so on...after a few hours and just when I was falling asleep the palpitations start, my breathing stops and I wake up, then the adrenaline kicks in and I panic and try everything on the book to get distracted, breathe, music, etc, it's a never ending cycle but this didn't help today, had to get up and come downstairs to check my peak flow, I've got ashtma, take medication twice a day, so I'm in constant panic not knowing if I don't have enough O2 or if it's anxiety.
My hubby is getting more and more overwhelmed with this, in one year and a half I got my first depression (hopefully last) caused partly by my intense job, near 40 and not having kids yet, followed by panic attacks and full blown health anxiety. I quit my job and I'm home, it's been 5 months now, my money is long gone and hubbies patience is running out. I get his point but it still saddens me, I like to think I would be more patient if he had this problem. I don't feel I'm in a good place to go out there and work and be able to do a 8am job without sleeping properly and potentially losing it in front of colleagues. But I do think about money too, I can't afford not to work and I've never depended on anyone. I've resorted to faking everything is fine when it's really bad, I keep looking at job offers and delaying sending my cv and I hide my fears & tears. And I think about the babies I don't have and that my hub thinks I'm too unstable to have.
I'm tired and in desperation, I've been closed off all these months, I don't know...I'm part ashamed part stubborn thinking I can fix this on my own, so I've cut all contact with ex colleagues and friends, I pretty much only talk to my family and his family. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? I don't know what else I can do or change to make it better. Thanks for listening.

[AnxietyDJ]

Hey, welcome to the site and sorry to hear that you've been going through some hard times.

There are so many helpful and friendly people here, who can understand where you are coming from, so I hope you can find some comfort on the forums

[cpe1978]

Claudia - I have been meaning to reply to your post all morning but have been tied up with work. What I am going to explain to you is what I did, not necessarily what works for everyone, but just how I made sense of this beast called health anxiety. I am going to write this like advice - but bear in mind it is just what worked for me.

You need to understand that this time last year, I was a mess. Didnt want to get out of bed, let alone contribute to anything. I have a stressful job - I became functionless. I also have two children and I became a terrible Father. It was like everything was closing in on me. At times I felt like I just wanted to run and there were one or two times where i thought that might have been the best option.

Fast forward 12 months and although I would still say I am more anxious about my health than I used to be and also probably much more than normal people, I am working hard, enjoying being a parent and living life again.

The key for me, is taking control and feeling like you have a plan. If you have a plan then you can adapt it, shape it and flex it. If you sit waiting to get better, then there is little doubt in my mind that you wont get better. If you flail round in the dark trying things in isolation then similarly I think success is limited.

1) Dont measure success in absolute terms. This is something you see a lot on here that people want to be back to normal. The problem is, that to get anywhere near that point there is a journey to go on, one with bumps and blips. The only way I could remain sane was to ensure that I was looking at long term trajectory rather than a fixed point of success. Today was better than yesterday, which was better than the day before etc.

2) Find a GP you can trust and stick with them. I went through 3 until there was one I felt comfortable with to open up to. When I did i told them how I was feeling. They took bloods and did some basic checks as a baseline measure. I agreed 3 things with her:
- She would always take me seriously and never utter the words 'its just anxiety'
- I would visit her every six weeks - i could save concerns that long and would go through all physical worries and then discuss mental health.
- She would never refer me for tests unless in her objective opinion they were warranted based on symptoms.

3) I booked in for CBT and paid for it myself which was probably the best thing I did. It allowed me the time to think and understand what it was I was scared of and how I was focusing my attention in the wrong place. People with HA try to control an outcome that we have no control whatsoever over. However if you invest time focusing on your reaction to feeling anxious then the rewards can be great.

4) I did take meds for a while, but I have been on ADs before and viewed them more as a crisis sticking plaster as I tended to then go back when I withdrew from them. So this time I did it without and am glad i did. However I am a big advocate of meds in the right situation.

Hope that all makes sense and sorry I have had to write this quite quickly as I have to make a work call.