Hi Everyone, this is my first post (in a Forum EVER!) I hope I do okay
Firstly I live in London, I'm 24 and I'm a girl
I've been through the mill a bit lately, and have noticed in myself, a pretty constant healthy anxiety, I'd just like to share what's been going on with you all.
For the past two-three years, I suffered with bladder infections. Anyone whose had one will know that they are horrible! You literally feel like you are absolutely bursting to pee every second, you can never get any satisfaction or relief, and you can not be comfortable for one second whilst you've got it. Luckily, they are so easily cleared up by anti-biotics. The problem is they come on quick and hard- doesn't matter if it's a saturday and the doctors aren't open till Monday, If you're stuck at work and can't get away... the whole thing became such an ordeal, and I would get a painful attack of these infections every few weeks. I began to become really paranoid that it would happen at inopportune & embarrassing times, or times when I was stuck somewhere and wouldn't be able to get to a doctor, and have to just suffer and suffer. Luckily and *touch wood* these have ceased over the last few months, however not before I had a really traumatic ultrasound experience, which led me to have a huge panic attack....
So since these infections, and this panic attack, I started becoming really concerned about my health, as it seemed like a always had to focus on them, I was paranoid and so pre-occupied, all of a sudden something switched on in my brain, it was like a worry switch, and it was just ON.
So leading on from this, I have a little mole on my wrist, it's possibly a slightly abnormal colour but I've had it for like 10 years, and it never bothered me, but all of a sudden something went WORRY, and so I did. I saw this health anxiety arising in myself and so I thought- I'll go get this silly little thing checked out, then all can be good and my mind can be free from all this worrying, life will be all daisies and roses once more. I go to my GP, it's a youngish woman who I've not seen before. She seems nice. I explain about the mole, and I also explain that I don't really like doctors and think I am suffering anxiety (she felt the glands in my neck and commented that my heart was racing).
She looked at the mole, and starting acting very weird. She said she was "concerned" about 5 times, and mentioned Melanoma. She explained that I would be referred to the hospital on an urgent two week wait pathway- "Which is the Cancer care pathway" she said..... HOLY SH*T?!?! I came in with my silly little mole and I'm leaving with Cancer!? WITH CANCER!?
My appointment was 2 weeks, almost to the hour later, and I spent those two weeks absolutely convinced I had cancer, utterly, 100% resigned to the fact I had malignant melanoma and was most likely going to die.
My appointment- odd dermatologist guy, no sh*t kinda person, liked him a lot. 1 minute into the appointment- just glanced at me under a little hand held microscope- "Oh this is a blue Nevis, a Blue mole, totally benign, very common, nothing to worry about and no threat at all, you can have it removed for cosmetic reasons if you want, but if I was you i wouldn't bother"
HALLELUJAH!Why the hell was I so worried?? I floated out of that hospital on a cloud of utter Euphoria (undertones of massive annoyance at the STUPID GP who had sent me here), went and got a diet coke and super noodles & took them straight home and devoured them (had been eating nothing but blueberries, kale juice and raw veggies for two weeks in attempts to save my life of my cancer).
Next 2 weeks, fabulous, over the moon, care free, no worries, yay!
(I did have an infected wisdom tooth that was cleared up quickly by a course of penicillin-Dentist asked if I'd been run down or stressed lately to which I replied YES!)
Now all of a sudden, just over a week ago, I've developed a "flutter" in my upper body, feels like I'm shivering on the inside. That developed into a "twicth/ spasm" in my left thumb when it's bent or tensed (first noticed holding open a book whilst reading), occasional even milder spasm in the thumb when resting. This has developed into a mild numbing/ loss of sensation in my left forearm, and also in the left side of my face, these come and go through waves of severity, never too severe but severe enough, and always kind of there, Then just today, my left arm feels heavier, feels like it's just woken up kind of thing, it kind of aches too and it feels weaker and possibly less dextrose.
I get occasional patches of pins and needles in my head and tongue, and again in my face. My legs are always falling asleep, I wake up with a totally dead arm.
And this has all happened in the last week.
I can't stay away from Google, I am simultaneously convinced that this all entirely the cause of anxiety, and also entirely the cause of MS, or even worse- MND. That is literally my biggest fear, I am almost HOPING that it is MS, so that it's not MND. I worry CONSTANTLY! It is all I think about when I'm trying to sleep, my first thought in the morning, all the time. At work I am constantly distracted with trying to research what the hell is wrong with me. I can't get a break I am utterly, utterly convinced I have this hideous disease, and that's it- my life is over.
I nearly called the doctor this afternoon, but I'm scared to find out, I'm scared they will terrify me even more, I am just so scared. I'm scared of everything now, I was never like this.
On a positive, I've contacted a local NHS service called iCope, and have a call with them on Wednesday, to have a kind of assessment. I've said I think I'm suffering anxiety and really need some help.
Could all these physical symptoms be down to anxiety?
What if there is something really seriously wrong?
What if I find out I am physically fine, and then something else just happens, and I get convinced I've got a brain tumor, or bloody malaria or something?
I just don't know what to do and am exhausted with all of this. I just want to know I'm okay, feel okay, and live like that, not with this constant threat, over my head.
Mega long message, guess I've been holding that in for a while!
Any comments and stories are welcome, I'd love to hear from you
Hxx
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