Hi,
I've been a fairly regular poster on the health anxiety board but have been relatively OK recently. This has been somewhat of a surprise as I had to have a termination at 21 weeks in January as a result of severe spina bifida being diagnosed at the 20 week anomaly scan.
I had a very difficult recovery from the termination (depsite the procedure itself going smoothly) as I had a piece of unidentified retained tissue which meant I bled for 12 weeks after the procedure. After that, I really did bounce back well, miraculously for someone with my history of anxiety (helped considerably by the fact that I have a 2 year old son who is just my whole life).
After I had finished bleeding I waited to have a normal period and then we started trying again. Luckily we are very fertile and seem to fall immediately and I did so again in late May (when my baby would have been due). Since then I've been burying my head in the sand and pretending it's not happening. I can't do that any more as my scan is this evening. I've been unbelievably emotional since I got the letter through. Crying every day,even in the street, I just can't control myself. The pregnancy is a banned subject at home. I've filled what would be the baby's nursery with as much junk as I can find so it doesn't look like a room in waiting for a baby that might never arrive. Everything feels like a sign that something is wrong- when I went to my gp to report my pregnancy she didn't give me a due date. When my MW came to do my booking in appointment at home (in our area these are always at home) she had to leave almost immediately because she was called to a home birth. She then forgot to book my scan and then gave the hospital my old address so I didn't get the letter until last week. And my scan is in the evening, which I've never had before. Then this morning a hearse drove past me. I know how stupid this all sounds- I'm a bright girl (I think??) but I'm suddenly looking at all this crap like it means something. What's more, almost everyone I know is pregnant at the moment and on Sunday I'm due to attend my sister in laws wedding where I'm supposed to walk DS down the aisle as he's page boy. I just feel like everything's lined up for me either not to be there because I'm in hospital with a MMC or I'll go with this big empty baby belly and be this tragic figure. Again.
I sound really twisted and bitter I know. And I shouldn't be. My beautiful son is only 2 and he is the light of my life. I have a real gift in him and I shouldn't expect more but I need my rainbow.
This pregnancy has had no problems. I've had stronger symptoms than previous pregnancies but all I can think is that when they scan me there won't be anything. I'm just dying today.
Sorry for rambling, I just don't know how I'll get through today and I don't have anyone else I can be this honest with.
thanks xxx
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