HIV fear/anxiety and psychological side effects

[twtm2002]

hi all. I am not sure this is the right place to post but if not, apologies.
i am a late 30s man who has had terrible HIV anxiety now for many years. It is without a doubt the most crippling and depressing aspect of my otherwise lovely life. I am now in prolonged counselling to work on the issue and am beginning to understand why I suddenly panic over incidents which, by every medical doctor i consult, are zero risk. My last perceived exposure was last week while I was abroad. I had a massage and was offered a hand job at the end. I refused thinking how strong and brave I was for fighting the urge! Spool forward 7 days and I am convinced something happened or may have happened which I do not recall. Did she scrap her fingers along my bum hole and transmit blood? was her arm cut while she massaged me? on and on it goes. My stomach is now a total mess and of course, I am googling like crazy. To give you some context I have likely had 15 HIV tests in the last 5 years and have never had any risk beyond a handjob or an erotic massage.
What do I need? i need some sympathy for my mental illness; i need a doctor to reassure me that any form of massage isn't going to transmit HIV and I want to join a group of like minded people who share my anxieties.
I also should mention i suffer really bad IBS as a result of my perpetual fear and of course, put this down to acute hiv infection!!
thanks for listening.

[Dedre88]

Hi mate, I had very similar HIV worries about 4-7 years ago after I slept with a much older (and obviously - disease ridden) lady. Every time I was ill it was because my immune system was weakening. Eventually I got tested it was negative and I moved on, that's not to say I've not has the odd worry since then but generally on HIV front not a worry. There's a few reasons for this:

1. I got tested - the only thing that can give piece of mind 100%, but in this instance you seem to not be placated by that.
2. I understood the risks - normal sex with someone who has HIV has a 1000-1 chance of contracting HIV - massages, hand jobs - considered no risk by most HIV experts. Oral sex is a contentious one with some saying no risk and others saying very low risk. Either way oral sex is safer than the 1000-1 standard vaginal intercourse.
3. I understood the disease - HIV is a killer, more so in countries where they have poor healthcare / nutrition and don't have access to drugs we are lucky enough to have in the developed world. Let's assume worst case scenario. We get HIV tomorrow, how long does it take to progress? I've read 10 years without meds on average, so at the age of 32 you will probably get to 42 without treatment. With treatment and looking after yourself research shows people 30+ can have almost a normal life expectancy.

It's hard but I wouldn't worry; HIV is not easy to transmit, handjobs are pretty much safe we (from HIV perspective - you can still get herpes and other nasties) and even if by some freak accident you got HIV it's likely manageable and you would still likely have a long happy life!

Chin up and be strong. If massage parlours make you worried... Don't go.

[twtm2002]

thanks for this incredibly kind and sensitive response.

I do agree with all you say. I know the medical experts take a pretty firm view of handjobs/massages which is zero risk or a theoretical risk (i.e. more chance of being hit by lightening etc..) and the chances of me actually having a massage from an HIV + woman is also probably pretty low. I also should learn to trust medical science in that I have had 15 tests and NOT A SINGLE one came back positive.

It is just - for whatever reason - it causes panic/anxiety. I have wasted terrible nights sweating and feeling awful about the what ifs and recently my mind plays tricks... but I do use tactics (breathing, a journal etc) and I have learned to deal with the issue.

On testing, yes, it does work for a while and my life suddenly becomes an idyll for a time. However, inevitably I have a massage and it simply triggers the cycle. It's a shame as I love a good old fashioned normal non sexual massage! I think I just need to go to really pucker places where they cover you with a load of towels!

I cannot quantify how much this has screwed with my life. It definitely stems from a belief about my identity and how I am somehow not good enough and thus deserve to be punished. But it is a feeling not a fact. And having support on here is really appreciated.

a simple MASSAGE = NO RISK. NO RISK. gotta keep telling myself.

[Worried 24/7]

I've been terrified I contracted HIV from kissing my best friend on the lips, closed mouth. Even though pretty much 100% of what I've read says that's basically impossible to contract it that way, I keep thinking, what if we both had chapped lips? What if her braces had cut her mouth and blood got in her saliva and then it got in through my chapped lips??? And now every illness my family contracts is because I've spread HIV to them. I'm also in therapy.

[twtm2002]

sorry to hear about your anxiety. I also had a panic over kissing a while back and eventually came to realise it was impossible to contract HIV this way. I learned about saliva and its properties etc but I still would shake with fear once in a while. Again, I did realise this was the mind and not based on fact but it is a horrible feeling to have. My condition is very much about OCD. I get that. I realise my brain gets locked on an issue and does not work around it. I have found the therapy does help enormously and my therapist is also very knowledgable about hiv and will often just tell me to my face I am being nuts. The feeling I have when I get an HIV- result and the month or so after being told I am neg is the period I need to capture and own in my mind. It makes me so happy and my life is a real joy. I just want those periods to extend to being the majority of my life not the minority.

[Worried 24/7]

Yeah, I am one of those people who never trust that the doctor is right and am always positive he missed something. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I'm terrified they're gonna find cancer or oral warts or something else entirely that I haven't even been worrying about...

[twtm2002]

Last couple of days I have been really good and hardly worried about the HIV/Massage issue. But tonight, for some reason, my panic has set in. I was enjoying my dinner with my family and noticed a small blister on my left leg. Instead of calmly assuming it was due to the heat or an insect i immediately alighted on HIV Rash. Even though this is utterly ridiculous it will now eat me up until it disappears. I will simply go through the process of writing down what happened with the masseuse and reassure myself that i am more likely to die of being struck by lightning than be the first person to contract hiv from a massage!

[Lucy1234]

Hi there, I had to chime in having had a similar experience recently. I too am always anxious about catching HIV in obscure ways. Most recently, I got a tiny splash from an insulin pen on my bottom lip before a girl beside me injected herself. At first I just wiped it off, but then an insane amount of worry set in. I ended up getting my boyfriend to ring a weekend doctor service, who seemed puzzled why i was so worried. They said because my lip wasn't cut and there was no visible blood, wasn't inside my mouth etc it was essentially not a risk.

For some reason, it was very hard to take the doctor's word for it. I try to think logically- that people may be exposed to trace amounts of blood through even a casual kiss and it's never been shown to spread hiv- but for some reason I've gone beyond logic on the issue. My boyfriend wants me to forget it, as the three months of worry before I test is probably worse for me than the probably non-risk I would test for, but its so hard to stop thinking about something like this for me. I tested once before, having been worried about someone using my toothbrush, which was possibly even sillier. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this anxiety. I think you're right that casual contact is no risk, though clearly I understand where you're coming from.

I don't know if this is a factor for you, but i find if work or anything else is stressful, I'm more prone to get these attacks of anxiety, and the triggers for them can come from anywhere.

[twtm2002]

hi yes, i think stress does trigger and sometimes i can sense when my likelihood to panic is greater. I definitely think being away and avoiding googling does help tho. I can see that the longer I avoid looking for stuff to validate the more the activity I fear dissipates. Today i have , for example, moved away from perpetual panic that the masseuse stabbed me with a needle. Why? because i can see with perspective i would have really flinched, i would have seen her put the needle somewhere and also i would have probably started bleeding.

[Lucy1234]

Google is bad news. Whatver diesease you are a fraid of, you will find someone online to say you can get it from whatever way you're worried about, or that a symptom definitely means you have it. Also, a lot of info about HIV online is outdated, and from times when people were more alarmist. It's great you're getting more perspective now.