My Journal.

[HalfJack]

I didn't get through my list yet, I came back from my last minute trip with a cold! so I'm going ti use the next few days to rest.
On the plus side while home I did socialise a lot with ease and on the way home I did a brand new train journey on my own.

I had a ball while I was at home. I made new friends and saw old friends and family. I don't think I stopped laughing the entire time, and I was like my old self again, or more like. I used to be really funny, but the depression toned me down a lot. I loved being home. My mum tends to accidentally trigger some of my smaller issues but we got through it well and I spend a lot more time with them than I'd usually do.

I really missed my boyfriend and was excited to come back home, but I feel like he didn't even notice my absence. I know my insecurities would lead me down that train of thought so it's hard to judge and he's pretty despondent because of his issues, but I guess I was wrongly hoping he would appreciate me more after being away for a few days. I knew I shouldn't bet on maybe's but I couldn't help it. I can't bring up relationship problems when he is going through a hard time because it's not fair but it's on my mind a lot.
Well that was my week.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Loads of good stuff in there HalfJack. Thats a load on a list in its own so perhaps view it that way and mentally tick off a few of your worries e.g. travel, seeing people again, family pressures, etc. You even enjoyed it and thats key to get through all this as you need to replace depleting activities with nourishing ones to regain your balance.

I recall you mentioned your BF was dealing with depression, is that correct? If so, I wouldn't read into this because it can make you very detached from things. You can literally not care if the world stopped turning tomorrow and things get taken for granted.

You may find that if you can get him to engage in an activity with you that he enjoys, he may realise this more and tell you he has missed you. I'm not suggesting anything rude there...!!!

[HalfJack]

That's a good point, thanks, I always worrying I'm not doing enough.

Yeah he is, worse so than me, which is a situation I've never been in before. It's been good because I've been able to help him out with my experiences, and he's usually very supportive of me too.
Ding dong!
We had a really good day today and spent time together that he instigated, so feeling reassured about that.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think that answers your question then because he wouldn't make the effort if he didn't appreciate you without depression, with it its much more of a win!

Its part of the anxiety thing, you have periods where you seem super positive and want to achieve lots. I suppose its like a low level form of mania, perhaps because our moods swing so much, even small swings? Its not real mania though, its just part of what mania encompasses. Perhaps we notice it more because we spend so much time on the other side of the coin?

As long as you don't set unreasonable targets and don't find yourself frustrated with not achieving, its all good. The Mindfulness is supposed to be good for this so that you accept things for what they are, just something to do another day as opposed to the catastrophic failure we can feel from not getting to where we want, when we want.

If something is too large a target, break it down into progressive steps and you will soon get there, and without the frustration of taking a larger leap.

[HalfJack]

I know I've just used this to moan lately, and that sucks but I'm constantly upbeat in real life and it really helps to let it all out here.

It's environment that's bringing me down lately. My boyfriend has been really depressed and taken it out on me, seems there is no way of avoiding that other than encouraging him to do more for his health, and me doing the same. Which I have done, it was a big step, we talked and it went reaaaaaaly well. Before we did, I was crying a lot and worrying about it like mad, I really wish I'd talked to him sooner.
I don't always feel as supported as I'd like to but I know he's always making an effort, and I don't tell him I need support as much as I should. He's made a lot of really positive changes over the last 6 months, I'm really proud of him. And I'm proud of myself for being able to keep my head together for us both.

I've had a sore throat and needed to rest so I haven't gotten through ANY of the other things I need to do for my health, I haven't applied for uni, gone to the dr or the dentist. Thats made me feel low but writing everything I have done here is making me feel better.

I did volunteer twice, talked with my boyfriend about our health, cleaned the house, de-weeded the garden and plant vegetables. Been in bed A LOT. I haven't felt up to doing more than that. But I think I've done the right thing by holding back. I've felt really drained, even just coming on here has been too much for me.

Going to my first group therapy meeting in a few days, not planning to make any friends but it might be nice to be around like minded people.

---------- Post added at 14:12 ---------- Previous post was at 14:10 ----------

I really need to break things down into smaller tasks! I think that will be the main thing I do tomorrow.

[Oosh]

I'm glad you had a productive chat with your bf.

Good luck with your support group this week.

On days when I can't be bothered (every day) I just take the first/next step.
" I don't want to do this so,,, I'll just get washed/dressed.
I don't want to do this so,,, I'll just eat breakfast so I'm ready.
I don't want to do this so ill just get the van ready.
I don't want to do this so ill just look up the address of the first job"

Eventually it becomes easier to carry on and do it. Because you've got yourself so close to doing/completing that thing you REALLY would like to have done.

There is ALWAYS, AAAALLWWAAYYSS, a massive pay off at the end of those days where you DID what you wanted to get done. There is a real sense of having taken a step forward from where you were the day before and THAT is an antidepressant.

Just do the first/next step continually.

[HalfJack]

Hey oosh That's a good idea I'll definitely employ that more often. That's pretty perfect actually.

Although lately the few things I have been doing every day have taken all my energy, I've not had it in me to do more without breaking down. I think I've had a lot more on my plate than I can really handle.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Been in bed A LOT. I haven't felt up to doing more than that. But I think I've done the right thing by holding back.

Oy, stop bragging!

On a more serious note...it can really drain you when you start doing more. You don't notice how much your body declines if you don't keep active until you start to do more again. They say the body takes about 30 days to adjust to workload so you will see improvements in your stamina and energy as time goes by.

Gardening is a good activity and it can be strenuous depending on what you are doing.

Good luck at the meeting. You probably will feel anxious before and maybe during, but you will take things from it and these feelings will fade in time.

[HalfJack]

Haha! Yeah fatigue is a big one for me, if I don't do a lot I just end up sleeping all day. I've had insomnia most of my life so at first that seems like a good thing but very quickly gets crap. 30 days isn't so bad, sounds about right too.

I've been very anxious today, I wend to bed anxious and guess what?! Woke up anxious too. I think it's because of the meeting, I reeeeeeeeeeeealy want to chicken out but I won't. I'm kind of forcing myself to go, trying not to think about it and just do it.

[Oosh]

If there's only one thing you do, make sure it's go to that meeting. Even if you have to sit there silent.

Pushing yourself to do these milestone things are the things you look back on and recognise as significant moments in your life.

Pushing myself to date.
Pushing myself to go to college (twice)
Pushing myself to start a business.

Pushing myself to do them all was TERRIFYING.

I could have avoided them all and I'd still be hiding in a bedroom somewhere.

You might hate it ! But just make sure you sit yourself in a seat there and see how you feel about it.

Anxious and not sleeping well up until it's done. Pleased with yourself and more confident when you've done it. (And probably sleeping better)