My Journal.

[HalfJack]

OK so I've learned a lot and I'm doing really well. The most important thing I've learned is that there isn't always a right and wrong time to push myself or rest, as long as I do both I'll be fine.

My boyfriend is doing really well now that we've moved away, we both have jobs (which is a HUGE deal for us we were both starting to feel hopeless) and are both doing well in our studies. Hiccups now and then, life isn't perfect but it's generally stable and fine for the first time in forever?
It feels like a foundation for a real life not just wading through mud. I am happy already though. I'm still depressed but I'm happy too, or glad with how things are now at least. Emotions are hard to describe.

Although in the last 2 months I've had some punches, my "real" dad has disowned me, my old school friends decided that those of us who no longer live in our hometown aren't part of the group anymore and have totally cut us out, and of the two friend friends I had at uni one died, and the other is mad at me and hasn't talked to me and I have no idea why, maybe because I took a lot of time off when I was depressed? I don't know. I just know I came back and now she won't talk to me.
So socially I dove in feeling very vulnerable, and although none of it is my fault, I've just had way too much rejection and sadness to know what to do with.

I can't help but think, nice people don't get this much shit from people. Like no one good gets rejected this much surely? Maybe I'm good but too annoying. I can't help but think anyone being nice to me is just doing it out of pity. So well, yeah this has been a bad year for social anxiety BUT I have been pushing myself to socialize and I'm trying.
I'm not trying to make friends, but I do "socialise" casually so yeah that will do for now. I still have old friends I keep in contact with and see sometimes and my boyfriend of course.
With one friend passing away and one turning cold, I need to get my breath back before I even think about it again.

[HalfJack]

So lately I have cut out processed food, cut my sugar and carbs down big time. Trying to lose weight and be healthy.
Other than having more energy, I've not noticed a difference. Lost some weight then it stopped *sigh* now what? Dunno. Keep going see what happens I guess.

Today at a point now where no matter what happens my weight causes me anxiety.
If I lose weight I hate the fact that I can't control WHERE I lose the weight from. No idea what my body will look like.

If I don't lose weight I get very suicidal. So at this point I'm willing to do anything to drop the pounds just to avoid more nights with that rubbish in my head.
But I'm not new to this, I know that's a bad idea so I'm forcing myself to eat until I don't hate it anymore.
I just feel so terribly sad.

Cutting out medication, 4 days until its out of my system according to my Dr. Doing fine off of it. Feeling low but due to life events and not the lack of medication I think.
Very low at the moment, but have a lot of good things happening so taking it one day at a time and spending as much of my time as I can doing things to progress the positive things in my life and reinforce them.

Only I feel like utter trash. Even this rant didn't help.

[HalfJack]

Fully off medication now and not feeling better for it at all. Increase in stress, irritability, depression, thoughts of self harm blabla. RIP motivation. My self doubt is through the roof.
I nearly had a panic attack in Tesco. I cried a bit while trying to buy swimwear, I just couldn't stop thinking "Go home, what's the point?" over and over like some annoying little goblin on my shoulder.

That sounds a lot worse than I feel though, in a lot of ways I still feel positive and things are rolling along. I'm getting as much done as I can, and I'm not falling behind at all. I've lost a chunk of confidence though.
This has coincided with a dip in my exercise due to a sore elbow. Exercise helps big time. But it's not just that. This is an actual dip.

I'm thinking this is all stuff I can work through. So I'm still feeling positive, I've not missed a beat yet but yeah, not as positive as I'd hoped. I'm tired.

[HalfJack]

Well that dip was caused by tonsilitus, so hopefully its nothing to do with being off medication and everything to do with being ill.
Having a terrible time. People have really let me down last few days. Bad timing. I miss my mum. Stupid things. Boys are stupid. I'm tired and foggy.

Would love to punch something inanimate right now but still very dizzy from this cold I've got so I'd probably just fall over. I feel pathetic enough standing on two feet! No punching. What a horrible week.
I'll have to do something to make today better.

[HalfJack]

Super crazy stressed.
Travelling tomorrow on a brand new journey alone. Really wish I didn't have to. Bricking it. Hate trains. Really hate trains. If I miss my connections because of a late train I'm not even sure if my tickets will be valid. Trying not to think about it.
Just needed to vent really.

[HalfJack]

Been a long time since I've added to this.
I've come a long way.

I broke up with my boyfriend in the end. It's only been a few months but it was for the best. We were together for 4 years.
He wasn't going to get help and I was going insane, he did get help once we broke up, it pushed him to do it and he's doing much better now.
I feel bad about it, I loved him a lot and he was all I had in some ways, but he wasn't making me happy and I love myself enough to know I deserve more. It's only been a few months. I'm not ready to date again, I know I will be sometime soon but I'm in no rush.
I'm much happier without him. But it's hard not to wish it had worked out and think of all the good times we had and things we won't do now that we're over. That's just normal break up blues I guess.

I've spent a lot of my life alone, without family and people around me. But I've made myself a life at university, and I pushed myself to socialise more this last year and I have made a life for myself. What's scary is it's temporary in a way, people leave uni and don't come back, but that's OK too. I've got a lot of friends in and out of uni and I'm trying to push myself to make more and do more and believe in myself more rather than hide away.
So it's not like I've got nothing, but none of my friends have my back or care about me half as much as he did, so in a way I am alone. That's OK I'm old enough to handle that, and it's exciting in a way, I have a lot more freedom. The world is my pizza, but it's also scary. I'd lie if I said I wasn't scared. I wish I had a family, or just someone who could advise me on what to do, how to proceed in life generally.

I have good friends, just no die hard ones. And man, some days I need a hug, but I've got way too much pride to ask anyone or admit that.
I'm avoiding sleeping with lots of people, I think it would make me feel better for a while but then I'd feel worse.

My self esteem is really low. I've tried to be positive about things, and I'm losing weight, by exercising more and eating better, but I still feel bad. I've had people telling me they think I have BDD for years and I've never been diagnosed. Or even looked at by a profesional. I think I can't have it, because I am ugly. Lots of places say that you'll be obsessed with things no one else can see, well everyone else can see my flaws. So it can't be BDD. Even if people don't think I'm ugly, I do have a big nose and I do have unusual features, my flaws aren't subtle! But being ugly shouldn't cause suicidal thoughts right?

I am so normal and capable in so many ways. People think I have it all together, that I'm confident, happy and sensible, and I am all of those things. But I feel so much pain as well, mentally, and it cripples me some days.
I feel so ashamed of it.

[Hollow]

Hi,

Nice journal, thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear that things are looking up for you. I agree with you that it's easy to make "friends" in uni but very hard to maintain those friendship especially after people leave. Also, for what it's worth I think you're nowhere near being "ugly", Infact quite the opposite.

[HalfJack]

So I had a very eventful few years. A big break up and then i guess, a semi normal life. Then despite my strict use of contraceptives, I got pregnant. University came to a hault. My social life came to a hault. My work life died completely and my friends vanished.
My daughter is still very young but well behaved and just a huge ball of happiness. So I'm not exactly complaining but it's been a very intense 2019 for me and it's been hard to see everything I've worked for sort of fall apart a bit.

Years ago I used to come here because I was alone.
It took me a lot of anxiety ridden social nights out, days out and panics and bravery to make friends and I did eventually. But now I'm completely isolated again and I have to start from scratch and I don't know how. I just feel like I'm too unlikeable.
My best friends all live far away, so I still have some support but I've not socialised for months.
I tried making mum friends and it didn't work. The few mums I've gotten on okay with stopped talking to me when I missed a playdate because my daughter was ill. It's quite a passive aggressive group, and I just don't have the energy for that.
So in many ways, I'm alone again. Again. Again.

Trying not to be lonely is beginning to feel light fighting the tide.
See how it goes I guess.

[HalfJack]

Hi,

Nice journal, thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear that things are looking up for you. I agree with you that it's easy to make "friends" in uni but very hard to maintain those friendship especially after people leave. Also, for what it's worth I think you're nowhere near being "ugly", Infact quite the opposite.

Thank you for stopping by! Yeah uni is over now and just about everyone has disappeared! But at least I know I can make friends now

[HalfJack]

I've come far with my anxiety, but I'm still really struggling with life in general. Just been handed a bad lot and haven't had the chance to work it out. At least not before something else rears it's ugly head.

I don't accept help from anyone usually, like my friends have offered me financial help and I just don't feel comfortable taking it, and it's not the stuff that you can throw money at to make it go away really. I need a job, a steady flow of income to make it go away, but I have a 5month old baby.
I'm terrified of working and not seeing her. I still need a lot of rest time so I'm not even sure I'm able to work as much as I need to to afford childcare and to support both of us. I've no idea what my options are on the dole, but I know they treat people like criminals and I know that it's not enough to live on if you're a single parent. I know we will have to use food banks and get into dept with our bills because that happens to every single parent I've ever met.
I love my daughter so much, she shouldn't have to live like that just because I'm useless.