Living on Auto Pilot

[Caz Fab Pants]

UPDATE

Woke up feeling neither here nor there and wasn't feeling particularly enthusiastic about anything so when I put the baby down for a nap I laid down in bed too.

Then the front door opens and Ed is home from work at 10.30am!! He decided to take half a day's holiday and announced that we were going to Huntingdon again to get what I wanted from Homebase!

My instant reaction was 'oh god, really, oh no, I'm scared' and the whole anticipation thing started in my head.

Anyone with kids will know what I'm taking about when I say it wasn't the easiest of mornings getting everybody ready but we managed to get out the house about midday. I packed EVERYTHING in preparation for any nasty feelings I might have, aswell as making sure I had my final visit to the loo just before we left.

It was tough, I couldn't stop worrying and thinking negatively the entire way there. I was expecting to panic and instead of telling myself 'oh well I'll get over it and be fine', I was gripped by the 'what if' syndrome and as good as convinced myself I was going to scream/cry/puke in the Homebase carpark on arrival. I also fretted about the traffic, the car not re-starting if I turned off the ignition, bumping into someone I know when I was panicking, etc etc. [Sigh...]

Anyway, after a 5 minute stop off just before the point of no return, I almost turned back and went home. I dont know where I mustered up the courage but I carried on and made it to Homebase feeling shaky and awful. I knew I needed to distract myself but even when we'd been in the shop for about 20minutes I was still on edge and couldn't concentrate on anything. Then I needed the loo. :(

Now for some unknown reason, that visit to the loo gave me time alone to kind of talk to myself in my head and I told myself that I was going to turn this day into a success. I then went back out to Ed and the kids and announced that we were going to find the paint for the bedroom. So there I was with my one of my new pillow cases trying to find the right colour and from then on I was fine.

So after a complete turn around I came home with paint, plants, new chrome bathroom accessories, tiles, fuses and sink unblocker!!

Hope this sparks off some inspiration.

Hugs
Caroline
x

[Meg]

Superb news .

Also seems like Ed is making a brilliant effort with you too . Good on him.

So now you need to do that trip yet again and very soon telling yourself all te time what a great day you had on both the other journeys.

I'm really pleased for you Caroline - great progress.



Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

[twister]

Hi Caz

I have just caught up with this post. Well done on everything, you've been amazing!

It seems like DIY is your inspiration - just keep on going out and buying things!

And don't worry about looking panicky in public, when I met you, you seemed as calm and composed as a cucumber!

Emily

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad

[jo-jo]

Hiya Caz

Fab news yet again! I'm so pleased for you and really chuffed that you were so strong and determined and ended up making a trip you were so scared of a great success

Can't wait to hear how you get on with your decorating and what the end result looks like.

Love Jo xxx

[sal]

Caroline

Yet again you have done it. Was so proud of you when i got the text. Ed threw you in the deep end by turning up like that but you swam through it and got there.

He seems to know how far he can push you and you are both getting the results.

You have done so well this last few weeks, you have achieved things you would have never considered you could over the last year.

Wow you deserve to feel proud of yourself.

Well done and keep it up. By reading your post you have made so many people proud of you and happy for you.



Love Sal xxxxx

[Laurie28]

I am so chuffed for you!!!!

You will have to start putting some posts in the success stories!
Whilst admitting you were scared and very much on edge you turned it around so well. you should be so proud of yourself.

I agree with meg, your husband seems to be 'spurring' you on great.
When I was my worst my partner made sure I didn't get into situations that 'freaked' me. Whilst obviously thinking about me, it really didn't help because as time went on most things started to scare me!!!

Keep it up

Love
lucky

[Caz Fab Pants]

Thanks ladies.

Dont really want to tell you about today after all the positive things you've said but at the same time I want to be open and honest.

Weather was rubbish from the minute I got up this morning so I decided I would take the kids somewhere rather than stay at home all day. However, almost as soon as I thought about going somewhere I started to worry.

It seems as though being reminded of that awful panic feeling during my recent outings has set me back a bit.

I carried on getting ready but knew I was doing it half-heartedly because every time my son asked where we were going I just said wait and see. I didn't want to tell him we were going to Brewsters incase I couldn't see it through and he'd end up disappointed.

Anyway, when we got in the car I noticed my mobile had run out so I plugged it in and turned out my 'in-car' charger is broken. Well that just added to my worry so I decided to first stop off in town to buy a new one so I could charge the phone on the way to Brewsters.

I felt apprehensive the whole time I was in town and even went into the Bakers Oven to buy the kids some lunch and bottled it cos I needed the loo. I then used a toilet elsewhere, came back and because there was a queue and I still felt uptight I walked out again. I wasn't panicking but I felt I could if I'd stayed.

So the upshot of it is, I had to go elsewhere to get a charger but my mobile is bust so we ended up coming home so I could make some calls and get it sorted. I feel bad for not taking the kids anywhere fun, I feel bad because I dont actually know whether I'd have done it even if the phone had worked and I'm worrying that I'm going to need Ed with me everytime I do something that pushes me.

Sorry to have to put a downer on things.

Caroline
x

PS I feel a bit like Jules aswell, not achey but my tummy is playing up and I feel really tired :(

[nomorepanic]

Heya Caz

Well done on the Homebase trips - no wonder you were on a high

Have fun doing all the decorating too wont you?

As for today - well it doesn't matter. What matters is that you try again tomorrow and see if you can do it then. None of us would want to be away from home without our mobiles close to hand so that must have worried you to start with. :(

Just try to make the effort tomorrow to do it again and maybe this time it will be fine.

You won't always need Ed and you will soon see that you can do all of this alone and come out un-scathed.

Please stick at it ok and don't let it beat you.

Best of luck for tomorrow

xxx

Nicola

[Jules31]

Hi Caz

Sorry missed your post yesterday but you know the story. You did BRILLIANTLY. I'm so pleased for you and proud.

Don't beat yourself up about today, you had the best of intentions even if things didn't work out right. Things go wrong for even the most calm and organised of people.

Just look back on your accomplishments.

Hope your tummy is better soon - try the tonic water it really does help and try and get some rest.

Love

Jules

[Meg]

It seems as though being reminded of that awful panic feeling during my recent outings has set me back a bit.

Hasn't set you back, but has reminded you and your innards of how yuk it all feels . Like having a new bench mark and you're measuring every activities potential to panic by it.

This is when you do need to use a bit of JFDI to get you over the next outing, when all accessories are available and then onwards again .





Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch