no children

[Zoecat]

I have had a history of anxiety/depression,which is all a long story. I never chose good relationships, and I ended up not having children, through circumstances rather than choice. I'm now over 40 and I don't know how to stop getting depressed about this. I thought about having a baby on my own, went to fertility clinics, had all the tests, and was going to get donor sperm; but I couldn't go through with it, as I felt too selfish bringing a baby into the world without a father, and didn't know if I could cope on my own (I don't really have close family around me).

This is the hardest thing to deal with, and I end up just blocking the thoughts because it's too painful, the regret - I end up hating myself for the decisions I've made which have led to this. I still desparately want a baby, but now its too late. It's so painful, and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like less of a women, and have not been able to nurture or love as I wanted to.

I don't know if anyone here would have had any similar experiences, as most women have had children. I have never written about it and rarely speak about it, as it's so hard. It feels like a societal stigma (a woman without children). I feel embarassed admitting to people I've never had children, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, and am jealous of people who have them. It can trigger my depression, and I worry I could relapse if I think about it too much. (I've a few relapses in the past).

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Zoe,

I'm a man, so I can't fully appreciate your feelings as I believe it's more personal to women than men. I do have an element of this myself because I am now in my late thirties and I have no family of my own. The last 8 years of this have effectively put my life on hold because even though I had periods of great improvement, I didn't feel I could make major life decisions like this in case it came back ("how could I cope with kids on top of this"). It did come back and I'm still stuck over major life issues like this.

I think that whilst you may not be able to progress with having a child right not, you could make inroads with the depression & anxiety side that may lead you to a better place where you can make that decision because you will feel stronger.

So, I don't think I can fully understand how this makes you feel, but from a male perspective I can see how my lack of family can make me feel like a failure when everyone around has had that life. Sometimes I feel a failure because my parents are missing out too and they would be great at being grand parents and my mother has always worked in childcare professions from when she first trained as a nursery nurse quite a few decades ago.

I just wanted to say that so you know there are others who may feel this way.

[Magic]

Please don't beat yourself up about not having children.
I would not let it get to you.
I have relations who have no children. They have had comments in the past.
Being over forty is a risk Zoe as you know, and if you are on your own it would
be tough on yourself.
I am sorry I cannot be more helpful to youxx

[meche]

Hi Zoe. I'm 41 & have no children. It wasn't for the want of trying & there have been some complications but I'm now at a point in my life where I think it isn't meant to be & I just want to enjoy life & move on from it. My partner feels the same. It hasn't been an easy decision & I still get that yearning to be a mum but it's fleeting thoughts. I'm too selfish & set in my ways & at my age now, I don't want to be an older mum. That's my personal decision - I don't think there's anything wrong in being an older mum. Good luck in your decisions. Big hugs. xxx

[KeeKee]

I desperately wany another child right now and whilst I'm young still and do have a 7 year old I completely understand that feeling.
However there are definitely perks to being childless, I'm not trying to reduce your point at all as I know it must be hard, but having a child is hard too. You worry all the time, you feel guilty all the time, wonder if your doing the correct thing, wish you could have did this and that and to be honest it can bring a great deal of stress in your life. It's also difficult financially regardless of child benefit etc.
Also, whilst 40 is probably to old to get pregnant, if you REALLY wanted a baby, could you not adopt? A relative of mine has never met there father and all it brought was a little bit of curiosity, no negative emotions whatsoever.

[Zoecat]

thank you all so much for your replies; it's really nice not to feel so alone with this.
thanks terry for your male point of view, I know it's different, but still the same sense of loss. Let me know if you get desperate and want to try coparenting! joke!
thanks magic too. And meche. I think being an older mum would be harder too. You seem to have got your perspective on things which is great. I feel like I'm grieving, it feels like such a loss. And thanks keekee for your reply. I haved thought of fostering or adoption; I think this might be really hard though, as most children in need have other quite siginficant issues (emotional/behavioural/physical), and I'm not sure about managing that. I have looked at going to a fostering information day, so I might still do that.
Thank you everyone, I think it helps just to 'talk' about it, helps me process things.
Though I don't think I'll ever stop grieving for the baby I never had.
Hugs
x

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm not sure I would add up to 50%!

Is this what drives your depression and affected your previous relationships or has it come later hence its just making it worse?

[Zoecat]

hi terry. Mmm; choosing the wrong relationships (men who are commitment phobic and didn't want children, stooooopid!!)
was part of my problem; and now I've dealt with all that and can now recognise more healthy relationships; it's too late : ( so not entirely caused my depression, as I had problems forming healthy relationships before. it's now made it worse due to the finality of it all. maybe I can move through this somehow...

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats how it seems to go sometimes. I feel the same because I have had 8 years of anxiety disorders which have basically stopped me moving forward with committment because I thought I could spiral backwards, which I did, and I don't want to put that pressure on anyone and I also worry that I wouldn't cope with the extra pressures of family when the anxiety is all absorbing.

Now the years are advancing, it has become a concern for me and whilst I can father children later in life, it doesn't matter because women can't so I feel like time is running out for this.

There are options I guess such as fostering, adopting, etc but its perhaps whether you can come to terms with that. It seems our parents & grandparents had it all worked out, eh?

[HalfJack]

Although it's more common to have children I'd say it's considered normal not to have any too. I can understand grieving for a life you feel you've missed out on. I'm 25, love kids and am incredibly broody but I'm with an older guy who doesn't want children, so I have been coming to terms with that since we moved in together. It feels like grief on slow release.

Adoption is a great! There are plenty of children in need of a loving home in care. I've got a few family members who were adopted, my grandmother was orphaned in WW2 as a baby.
I'm sure you'll get through this, well done for learning how to recognise a healthy relationship! Positive thoughts and big hugs x