Hi I.m really hoping someone will help here, I.m feeling pretty desperate and don't know how to do what I need to do. I.'ve had worrying symptoms for years starting when I was fifteen - lack of periods, then very light periods, loose bowel movements, needing to urinate far more than normal never really went away, persistent spots round temple and on scalp,never developed sexual attraction for anyone, plus others. Rather than deal with them I stuck my head firmly in the sand and ignored them. Also convinced myself of a lump under left rib and avoided looking at myself in mirror or feeling myself there to confirm this. Have recently built up courage to look and now, well think I was imagining it! Think I.m crazy! These led to an absolute phobia of doctors and all medical intervention thinking this would inevitably lead to a cancer diagnosis and death.

Now few years on family have been badgering me about going to doctors on unrelated matter and won't give up. I just keep trying to put them off, but they just wont. I.'ve now got further symptoms left upper back pain which has been there for months, it stated when I took up cycling and initially put it down to that, but now, well I.m seriously worried. Also got pains in back of neck and under chin, further spots, and can quite easily convince myself lumps and bumps but I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but have read up on lymph nodes and need I say more! Got more symptoms besides but can't bear to go into any more.I can now think of nothing but symptoms, trying to get to a doctor and fantasizing about being cured, but never believe this. Just getting really depressed, waking up everyday for last 4/5 months crying, cry every time I'm alone, Don't want to do anything, can't think of future as it upsets me too much as can't see one beyond hospitals doctors death. But I just can't physically bring myself to go to doctors as ideas of all those tests, injections (fear of needles too) that stupid gown, operations, being helpless and weak, that dreaded diagnosis.

Well as you can see pretty messed up! Even worse none of my family friends have a clue what's going on. Ask any of them they would say fit, healthy happy, very rationale- wish that were true. I can't bear to talk to them about it, I don't want to upset them, and don't want them to think badly of me, disappointing them. I feel like I'm only just hanging on to my life and me, it feels like I would just be swallowed up by it, and depression proper would overwhelm me.

None of my symptoms are more than annoyances in terms of pain, but that's kind of the thing with cancer isn't it? Just looking for people with similar symptoms and benign causes to give me reassurance. People who have over come doctor phobias, especially if they were also convinced of cancer. Please no one say about the stupidness of my actions and that if it is cancer that earlier treatment is needed, I seriously know, but just feel like there's too much wrong with me and it's too late. I don't need to be more scared, I'm constantly scared and can't see any escape.

For bit of background I'm under 30, always been pretty shy, eat healthily, thin, exercise most days. Sorry for going on and on, thanks for reading!