I hope all of you at NMP had a good christmas.
Having posted several times since November (mostly about lack of sleep), it seems strange to be writing about a shift in my anxiety.
My sleep in the last 2 weeks has actually become better - not perfect, but so much better than it has been. I now sleep for about 4-5 hours in one block, and have been able to get back to sleep after waking around 4.30 to 5 am. Although I only doze after that until about 7ish, its one heck of a lot better than it has been. No sleeping tablets either!!
It is difficult for me to understand why my anxiety is still so bad. I've been wondering if perhaps I've had a bit of a chest cold or infection, because the pain/discomfort in my chest, seems to have intensified, and the panicky feeling in my stomach has also increased. I know of course in my heart of hearts, that it is anxiety. The concerns I've had about our personal situation, and the death last week of my father in law, have just over-ridden the lack of sleep issue.
The strange thing is, that if I look REALLY PRACTICALLY AND LOGICALLY, our situation has improved significantly in the last 2 months. My husband has had some work, we've met our bills, had an OK christmas (a close family affair), and even dad's death has been bearable - after all, he was ill for 18 months, and in a nursing home for 5 1/2 years. Mum surprised us on her first day with us by saying that she didn't want to continue to live where she is, and wanted to join forces with us. It seems strange, but for us this is actually a way forward, providing us with some certainty and security, but its a doubled-edged sword, with its own set of disadvantageous issues.
So I'm now anxious about the future - but for different reasons. I'm worrying about how quiet and lonely its going to be when our son goes back to uni, mum is back at home and life gets back to the usual drudge.
Of course, all of these things are not only playing on my mind, but there is also manifesting themselves in physical symptoms I haven't had for a little while. I was explaining to my husband this morning that I can now understand (to some degree), what it was that made my father give up. He didn't enjoy good health for some years and was unhappy too at the end. It seems pathetic to compare the pain and physical discomfort with what he and others go through, but the gasping for air, the tummy churning and the constant and busy over-analysing is debilitating.
Well just putting it down in this posting helps - trying to make sense of it all is very difficult. I know that if I finally get a CBT appointment I might be able to make some headway on it - meanwhile I'll try to just battle on.
Bl**dy hard to understand that why, when things are better (and I can't argue with that), I don't actually FEEL better.
Sandie
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