The past month or so has been a trip to hell and back again for me..and that's no exaggeration. I'll cut right to the chase and list you all of my symptoms :
*Racing/pounding heart (sometimes lasting hours or even all day..)
*Palpitations (that skipped beat sensation that leaves a hollow feeling afterwards..)
*Chest tightness
*Trembling/shaking (sometimes I'll shake violently like a leaf in the wind or sometimes I'll feel a persistent "jitter" under my skin somehow..)
*Sweaty palms/feet (they both can become cold and clammy, as well..)
*Heavy body sensations (it's as if I'm being weighed down constantly by some invisible force that feels like it weighs TONS..)
*Weird adrenaline-like sensations/surges that run up and down both of my arms
*Shallow breathing or hyperventilation
*A constant and overwhelming (90% of the time, it's overwhelming in a physical sense) feeling of impending doom/death
*Random pains that come and go and can radiate randomly from body part to body part
*Hyper-sensitivity (I notice and focus on a LOT of things WAY more than I should like my heart beat, breathing, sight, hearing, the anxiety it's self, etc..)
*Ringing in both ears
*Uncontrollable racing thoughts (they seem to premise themselves mostly on death, if there's life after death, how existence came to be, etc..)
*Tight throat, especially at the base of it (I also suffer from some pretty bad acid reflux..)
*Overpowering lethargy (I almost always have NO energy to do much of ANYTHING at all anymore to the point where I don't even WANT to get out of bed and deal with the day..)
*Fatigue that comes and goes
*Vivid nightmares
*Extreme difficulties falling asleep/staying asleep
*Agoraphobia (I RARELY leave my house and now it's come to me not even wanting to engage with other people who live with me/company that comes over from time to time because I'm too anxious/nervous to. The mere THOUGHT of it alone makes me crazily anxious..)
*Debilitating depression (I have adopted a very negative mindset as of late that seems to have been sticking with me. My outlook on Life in general is bleak and I don't care about things like motivation of happiness anymore because I have concluded that this is just the way it's going to be until the day I die..)
*Seeing floaters/things out of the corner of my eyes that aren't even there (for example, I thought I seen my cat in the hallway last night, but I looked again and she was nowhere to be found. Then again this afternoon - I thought I seen a black figure of sorts hovering above me to my right, I checked and it completely vanished..)
*Overall feeling of dread and hopelessness (I'm completely consumed by these feelings and it's so unbearable! At times, I feel like giving up, letting go, and collapsing to the floor face down...)
Also, if I do somehow get to sleep at night, I wake up a few minutes or a few hours later with my heart beating really hard like *BOOM....BOOM...BOOM....BOOM!* and the beats are always spaced out almost as if it stopped/restarted again or something. This has me afraid to go to bed at night because I know the torment the awaits me. I can't even escape all of this in my sleep! This puts the thought in my head that I have severe sleep apnea or something....another thing for me to become anxious about and make everything 10x worse!!
I'm so close to the edge. I just want to give up on life and everything in it. Ever since being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder at age 8 (I'm 20 now..) my life has never been the same in the worst of ways. I feel like this is so much more than I can take. I just want to break down and cry until I have no more energy left to do so. That's how I feel most of the time, anyways. Do you know what I mean? :/ this isn't right...nobody should ever have to suffer like this. Your body is suppose to be your temple and your safe haven, not a torture chamber/prison. And yet, that's exactly what I'm starting to feel like it is.
Please, if anyone's out there...what can I do? What more is there left to try? I've done EVERYTHING in my power to overcome this monster....and I've come up short. I've failed miserably time and time again!! What do you think? :/.....a human being can only take so much punishment, ya'know?
I'm just....so bitter and broken........this is not the real me anymore.
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