Hi,
I don't know where to really start but I have the urge to put everything 'on paper' in the hope that someone out there has been through a similar experience or can offer me any advice because I feel completely at the end of my tether, dejected and heartbroken.
I'll start by saying that over the past few days I've been doing a bit of soul searching and trying to understand what has 'caused' this and trying to understand how things have gotten this bad. I'm a female in my late twenties. I guess I've always been a worrier and anxious, but it's always been hidden. When I was 10 my parents divorced which devastated me as I was so close to my dad. We moved home and I started a new school where I was unhappy and severely bullied by a group of boys. I think this left me with a great deal of anxiety that I never really recovered from. I've never discussed it with anyone. I have a wonderful long time Partner and great family and friends who think I am easy going, jovial and enjoy life. But to be honest I've been 'on edge' for a long time. I always worry what I look like, what people think of me, of sounding stupid and generally of not being good enough. I over analyse every conversation and interaction and i'm painfully self conscious. I look in the mirror and see a pale, gaunt, ugly face looking back - Even though I KNOW i'm not ugly. Of course I'm very good at hiding all this. It's only been over the past few days that I've acknowledged this to myself.
I've had an issue with 'checking' OCD for the past several years. In a previous flat (when we were both smokers), I didn't put a cigarette out properly which caused a pretty bad fire when I was home alone in bed. Since this I have developed an absolute fear of causing a fire and I stopped smoking. I check everything is unplugged in the house when I leave and have to take a photo on my phone of the cooker, hair straighteners, toaster etc etc to assure myself they are off even when I haven't used them that day. It's pathetic and hidden from my Partner and everyone else. He knows I check things but he definitely doesn't know how bad it is.
Now onto 'the symptoms' which started in December 2013. Before this time I had probably been to the doctors 2/3 times in 15 years. I had problems with bowel movements and what I assumed were haemmorids for a long time but I was mortified to seek help. In December I started to get a very deep painful throbbing in my groin and left leg. I went to the doctor who couldn't find anything wrong and sent me for a scan, which showed nothing wrong. In the back of my mind I was fearing cervical cancer or bowel / anal cancer which had spread. I bit the bullet and told my doctor about the haemmoroids which she examined and confirmed are internal and external. I've had months of different ointments and treatments and i'm currently on a waiting list to see a specialist at the hospital. I know it is something worse as I've left it for years and I have excruciating pain during and after the loo. The doctor didn't think this was related to the groin / leg pain and I was given painkiller. Over Christmas it died down but was still present.
I'll mention that at this time I was under, what I can acknowledge now as, a great deal of stress. I was in a job where I was contracting and had the constant threat of my contract ending hanging over me. My boss was a manipulative bully who was wearing me down over many years and my workload was too much to handle. My partner and I were (and still are) trying to save for a deposit in a very expensive housing area and get out of our rented tiny flat so we can finally try to start a family. My Partner is working every hour under the sun for the cash and he is constantly exhausted and we rarely get to spend any quality time together. I felt that I was under a huge amount of pressure and would regularly come home and sink 2 big glasses of wine in the evening just to help me relax / numb the pain in my groin / leg. (I changed job in April but my symptoms have got worse even though I am happier in my job and earning more money for a much nicer boss!)
Fast forward to the end of January and out of the blue my left arm was numb for several days. I then started getting a piercing pain in my lower left head accompanied with pins and needles feeling / numbness in my jaw, eyebrow, shoulder and lightheadedness. Sometimes it came and went, other time it lasted all day long. Back and forward to the doctors over the next few months trying to figure out what was going on. She thought migraine and I first tried proponol with little effect then amitriptyline which made me feel like a zombie but the symptoms lessened. She also sent me to a neurologist and I had an MRI of my head, spine and neck. During this time I was worried sick about MS, cancer, brain tumours, you name it. The scan came back fine (other than a disc bulge in L3/L4 which they think explains the groin / leg pain as it is right on my sciatic nerve) and Neurologist said he thought my symptoms were migraine. They upped the amitriptyline.
During February, around the time I was waiting for my results, I developed horrible, crushing chest pain on my left side which would spread to my back (behind my shoulder blade), arm and jaw and was accompanied by the head pain, lightheadedness, face numbness etc etc. By this point I was really scared. I was back and forward to the doctors and they thought it was a pulled muscle (!) and muscle tension due the stress of the migraines. I'll try not to go on and on, but over the next few months everything that was originally happening on the left side was also happening on the right side of my body too. The head pain and numbness / tingling had cleared, but I have had near constant horrible crushing chest pain and pressure that moves around to my back and sometimes starts in my back. My neck and arms ache and i'm often lightheaded. I get real 'attacks' of it at times which are frightening and all of this has creating a huge amount of stress and anxiety for me. I've been back to the doctors several times and they can't explain it - I have had every blood test, several ECG's, spent around £1000 on Physio, Osteopaths, Chiropractors, Massage and it's not getting any better. I've been left with horrible cracking in my back whenever I roll my shoulders. They all say I have a lot of tension / knots in my upper body but no one can pin point what is causing these crazy symptoms.
I was feeling completely out of it and detached from my own body. I made a real effort to ignore it as much as I could and accept the pain was muscular even though every day at work was a struggle. My work just think I have a sore back as i'm contracting and I don't get paid for sick days and they can cancel my contract whenever they please. My family and friends and Partner know about the physical symptoms and they are all worried but they don't understand how awful I have felt. I was determined to get on with my life and not let this dominate my every waking thought which is what was happening.
2 weeks ago I headed off with friends for a holiday which was booked a year ago. I was apprehensive in the run up to going away as I know my body and I know I am absolutely 'not right'. But I wasn't going to cancel - I had to get on with it. First few days I was apprehensive and felt like I was having to force enjoyment. My upper back and chest had the usual horrible pressure and I had spells of lightheadness. Then one night we were going for dinner into a busy restaurant in the hotel and a came over completely dizzy, the chest pain on the right side was crushing and spreading to my arm and face. I could barely get my words out. I told me friends what was happening and they took me to my room and suggested calling an ambulance. All I wanted to do was sleep so I said I was fine and went to bed feeling dizzy and in a lot of pain. Somehow I fell right asleep and slept for the next 12 hours. I woke up with a racing heart (never happened to me before) and for the next couple of days I felt terrible but tried to out a brave face on things. I was ruining my friends holiday and I hated myself for it. Why couldn't I be having a great time like the rest of them? I was lightheaded with spells of dizziness, my balance was off, chest was aching and my heart was racing from the minute I got up until I went to bed. I was scared to death and couldn't wait to get back home. On the last day we were checking out and I had another 'attack' exactly the same as the first. My friends insisted I went to hospital so off I went.
They ran ECG's, blood test, blood pressure - all the usual, with the addition of a chest CT san with contrast. I thought that now I would get some answers as I knew, absolutely knew, that there was something not right. What on earth else could explain all of this madness! I didn't care what they found, as long as they found SOMETHING to explain what was happening to me. I know that sounds mad and I hate myself for thinking that way when there are people with serious problems who would love to be free of them. You guessed it, complete bill of health. Doctor said that I was definitely having palpitations and that I d experienced panic attacks. I didn't understand this. A friend of mine has panic attacks which last a few minutes and then they are gone - I have been feeling terrible for months and these 'attacks' last much longer and I feel the effects for days. He basically shrugged his shoulders and said to follow up with my doctor in the UK.
By this point I was so dizzy that walking was a real struggle and my mouth was dry regardless of how much I drank. By the time I got home 14 hours later I was a complete wreck and terrified as to what was happening. The head pain and face numbness was back accompanied with a strange hot sensation on my face (ear particularly). I managed to get a doctors apt the next day where I told my unsympathetic doctor what happened on holiday. She chalked it all up to anxiety / panic disorder and told me to come off the notripyline and go onto pregabalin for the anxiety and migraine. I got no offer of support or explanation for what happened to me.
I haven't been at work all week because I physically can't leave the house. I'm dizzy whenever I stand up, my chest feels bruised and sore, my head aches, my neck has seized up and i'm an emotional mess. Whenever I get dressed to leave the house I feel i'm on the 'verge' of something terrible and i'm fearing another attack.
I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything like this or has any thoughts on what is happening to me. Can this all be anxiety? Do my attacks sound like panic attacks?
I need to get back to work as I don't get paid when i'm off and how long can I hide this for!? But you know what, I actually don't care about work anymore, I just want to know what is happening to me. I am scared out of my mind and feel like something awful is going to happen. I had a full on blubbering breakdown to my partner last night and all he can do is hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I know that it won't as it's getting worse and worse.
I thank anyone who has taken the time to read this ramble from the bottom of my heart. Any advice or thoughts are so welcome.
I wish all of you who are experiencing any panic / anxiety problems all the very best and hope you get the help you need. I had no idea how truly terrifying and consuming it could be.
Anna
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