I havent posted on this forum for over a year as it was getting embarassing continually talking about my health worries but I am at my wits end and its my own fault.
I am 61 and have never had a mammogram, ignored all the letters (I dont need telling how stupid that is, I already know). I was just so terrified of being told that I had bc and I know that the one thing I could never deal with is a terminal diagnosis.
The situation is even more stupid than that Im afraid. For a few years now I have had various breast issues which I have just ignored. Ive had pain, feelings of fullness, feeling like theres something there when I brush up against something, tenderness in the breasts and armpits.
Things came to a head when I recently received a letter to go for a mammogram and my daughter saw it. She said Ive been really silly for not facing up to it so Ive bitten the bullet and made the appointment, its not until the end of October.
The thing is, with all the symptoms Ive had, I just know its going to be a bad outcome and because of my stupidity it will be too late to do anything about it. To say Im petrified would be putting it mildly, Im thinking about it all day and dreaming about it at night. Its taken over my whole life and Im going slowly mad.
Like I said, I know its all my own fault and I wish I hadnt been so stupid but its too late to go back now and I have to face the consequences. Ive even started thinking that this will be my last Christmas and, if I make it til March, that will be my last birthday.
I know nobody can help me but I guess it just helps a little to write it all out.
Thanks for reading.