Sexual experimentation with sibling

[Dave9599]

Hi, this is my first message and I'm unsure whether this kind of issue is welcome on this forum, but I was part of some sexual experimentation with my younger brother when we were very small, and it is causing me a great deal of anxiety and panic.

I am 19 now, and at the time I was 11 or 12 and my brother was 7 or 8. We used to have duvet days and for some reason at one point we started rubbing our penises together; this occurred perhaps a dozen times over a few months. Also at one point we attempted anal penetration but it didn't work.

It was at this point that I realised how wrong it was and we never did anything like it again, it has played on my mind ever since. I must stress that there was nothing sinister going on, there was no coercion involved. We were two innocent young boys who didn't really know what we were doing. Looking back it was probably early puberty hormonal changes that caused it, but I still feel very strange about it.

What worries me is you hear of sexual encounters between minors, and I heard a rumour that this sort of thing is now classed as rape? What I'm looking for really is some reassurance that I haven't done anything catastrophically wrong, it has got me down for years and I just want to put a lid on it.

I hope this isn't too inappropriate and I hope everyone understands that I wasn't fully in control of what I was doing at the time. Me and my brother were both equally intrigued by the whole thing, it most certainly was not me doing anything to him against his will.

Please try not to judge me, and feel free to redirect me if I'm in the wrong place.

Regards,

Dave

[Oosh]

Don't give it a 2nd thought. I heard lots of these sort of stories, as a boy, growing up.

I remember doing a couple of odd things myself as a boy lol. I don't even know why. I think it's just becoming aware of your own body and reacting to things you don't yet even understand.

Good old anxiety though obviously giving you a big dose of self doubt. I bet you were curious about 1000 other things at that age too. Because sex is taboo that's the only one you remember.

[Dave9599]

Thankyou very much for your reply. I feel like I beat myself up over things like this, where a lot of other people are able to put it behind them quite easily and realise it's unimportant.

Things like this genuinely make me feel like a terrible person, but then with anxiety every little thing is magnified isn't it. Just hard going through life sometimes when everything makes you doubt yourself. Thanks again though you've made me feel slightly better already.

[Annie0904]

I must stress that there was nothing sinister going on, there was no coercion involved. We were two innocent young boys who didn't really know what we were doing.

I think you answered it yourself here. It is quite normal for children to 'investigate'. I think this article may make you realise that it was an innocent thing to do and you are are not the only one http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-adv..._wda96782.html

[Dave9599]

Thankyou very much. The thing I've found is that even though I'm able to rationalise it on the surface, it still doesn't stop the anxiety making me worry about it.

[Tessar]

Dave, whether it's brothers togther or a brother & sister, these things do occur. It happens.
There is a big difference between something consentual and when there is coercion. As you said, you were two innocent young boys ....... I certainly relate to why you'd feel uneasy but am hoping sharing here has helped ease your worries?

[Dave9599]

Yes I feel like it's helped slightly. However anxiety being anxiety my brain is now thinking 'are you sure you didn't coerce him?'. Of course I didn't but that's how my mind works sadly, I just go from one worry to another. I'm never at ease.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think if you look at the link Annie provided, you have to think about this bullet point in the section about what parents should be concerned about:

• interactions between children of significantly different ages / developmental stages

If you look at the age brackets, you are above & below each other which would not indicate you as 'significant'.

In terms of sexual offence, a big part of the question is consent. However, it becomes more complex given your ages because neither of you would be deemed as being able to give consent due to your ages. So, then its going to be back to that bullet point because there would have to be a consideration as to whether one participant had enough understanding to be considered some form of consenting party whereas the other didn't. It could be argued that neither of you did as you didn't understand why you were doing it, only that it was probably an urge and experimentation.

To check that out, you would need to talk to an expert in law and the NSPCC would be the best place to start if you wish to do this.

We all did things when we were young though, I know I did. I can remember a few of us young lads showing each other body parts at that age and so on.

I don't think its more than experimentation from what you have said and I am certainly not judging you but trying to give you an idea of what the law tends to look for. I hope this doesn't cause anxiety.

As to your thoughts about whether you did coerce or not, that is very likely to be intrusive thoughts seen in anxiety. Look at the OCD board where you will see OCD sufferers (often terms Pure O) where they also suffer this about family members. The only difference is that yours have latched onto these memories and started to twist them.

Have you considered any counselling for this? Also, how does your brother feel about this? I hope things are ok between you both.

---------- Post added at 04:20 ---------- Previous post was at 04:15 ----------

Dave, whether it's brothers togther or a brother & sister, these things do occur. It happens.
There is a big difference between something consentual and when there is coercion. As you said, you were two innocent young boys ....... I certainly relate to why you'd feel uneasy but am hoping sharing here has helped ease your worries?

Yes, I agree and I hope Dave keeps posting whether on this issue or just to help with his anxiety.

Sadly, we now live in a society where due to what has happened to children over recent decades we now have parents that look at you in a country park like you are paedophile if you are not there with kids! So, I can understand Dave's difficulty in discussing this as some people can be very ignorant.

[Magic]

Hi There, Annie and Tessar have said the very thing I was going to say.xx

[Dave9599]

Hi everyone thanks for the replies. As soon as I really realised how strange it was I made sure it never happened again, when it happened it was almost like a sudden rush of testosterone and other hormones that I didn't know how to control.

There are 4 years difference in age between us, so even though I knew what was happening slightly more so than him, I still didn't know how wrong it was and I didn't realise how important it was for me to learn to control these urges.

Despite our different stages of development I felt like it was a very mutual thing, if anything my brother was slightly more intrigued by it than me and was more keen to do it. He didn't really associate it with sex though, to him it just felt nice. I knew it was of a sexual nature but it was as though I was too curious to stop him.

At one point during it I remember feeling like it was a good thing that I was releasing these urges with someone close to me rather than a stranger, and almost that what we were doing would be 'good practise' for the future, but then as I gained control over the urges I realised how wrong it was, and it's played on my mind on and off ever since.

I'm just glad that when my mind was more capable of handling it I made sure it stopped, I think it would have been more of a problem if I was completely conscious of what was going on and still decided to continue it.

As for how my brother feels about it, I don't really want to talk to him about it. He does not worry about things like me at all, and I'm wary of the fact that if I bring it up it might bring back strange memories that he had already forgotten, and cause more problems than it's worth. Our relationship is really great, no signs of tension or awkwardness at all.

Thanks again everyone