Getting stressed/anxious over my future?

[Charlotteee89]

I've had an on and off week, if anyone's read my previous threads you'll know that about 3.5 weeks ago me and my boyfriend broke up out of the blue and I've been a bit down and all over the place about it, and I've also been pretty ill - head cold and tonsillitis! Ugh.

Over the last few days however, I've been stressing about my future SO much! I'm going to be 25 years old next month and I'm feeling a bit uneasy about it, I think I'm just over-thinking everything. I literally spent years house bound with severe social anxiety and agoraphobia until a year and a half ago when I finally felt better enough to look for a job and got myself one, I also starting actually having a life, going out, doing things, making new friends. Now I've no idea how I coped being stuck at home so much, I get bored and stressed so easily being at home too much now! (I do however, get panicky when I'm at home for too long as I had a bad panic attack earlier in the year at home), I've developed a more general anxiety disorder, or maybe I've always had it but not realized as my SAD took over everything.

I just so much want to move on with my life, I desperately want to move out of my parents house and get myself a little flat, but first I need to pass my driving test and get myself a better paid job. My mind is all over the place with all the different ideas and decisions I'm trying to mill over! I work in retail at the moment, I don't mind where I work, I love who I work with and I will be sad to leave the place, I've got so used to it, it's such a social place to work (a large supermarket) but I need to move on with my life and I would love to work as an administrator and be on a yearly salaried job, full time hours.

I'm just very confused, I don't know where to start. My anxiety is making me feel very stressed about it, but I can't do much until I take my driving test in 2 months, if I pass it then fantastic I can start looking for another job!

I just feel like I haven't achieved much, I suppose it's because I've only started 'living' my life over the last year and a half, most people my age are a bit more established by now. Most of the people from my year at School have good jobs, boyfriends, husbands and even children! Wow. I definitely don't want to settle down yet though! I want to travel, at least, first!

I suppose all this is normal anyway, I just need to calm down and not be so hard on myself! I shouldn't feel ashamed about my anxiety problems, I should be proud of myself for over-coming so much?!

[Oosh]

I never knew you had social anxiety. I saw that you were maybe living that lifestyle but have never heard you say you suffered with it before.

It's an exciting time. Don't be worried.

I was in pretty much exact same position to you. The good news is when I learned to drive and got my first small car my life changed completely. I think the same will happen for you. Your horizons broaden significantly. So more opportunities open up to you.

If you want to change jobs then listen to that and make it happen. Change is always going to be scary but all good things come from taking action like this, especially if it's based on listening to what you feel you want.

You know anxiety and excitement aren't too far apart. Your adrenalin is bound to be pumping a bit with these thoughts of change. Maybe it's all more excitement than feeling anxious. Even if it's not, try and see it that way. There's gonna be what ifs, of course. But I think you're gonna find these changes are going to bring exciting improvements to your life.
It's a good time for you !

Pass your test and research this job move you want to make. I think you're doing the right things.

Don't compare yourself to anyone. It's irrelevant. I had a slow start ,due to social anxiety, like you. I've caught up now. You're on your own path and coming along really well. Forget what path anyone else is on.

[Charlotteee89]

Oh gosh yes, I've had SAD since I was 13 years old, but it only really became a problem when I finished High School and became house bound. I didn't know I had it until I was about 18-19 years old.

I think I'm just wanting some much and so I'm becoming frustrated and a bit overwhelmed! I've got myself a car already so as soon as I pass I can get on with it.

I go through phases of just being utterly desperate to move on with my life but I've realized that a lot of that is down to my anxiety, like I've said before I can get very anxious and panicky when I'm at home so as soon as I start to feel that way I get the 'flight feeling', I just want and need to get out my house and do something! I get bored so easily these days. Routine can also bring it on. I normally have the same routine day in day out, so that can flare my anxiety up. When I'm not feeling anxious or panicky at home I'm a lot more calmer about things and more patient.

My happiness is what's the most important thing, I'll be happy when I pass my test and start earning a decent wage so I can move out and move on with my life, I desperately crave independence even though I haven't got much self confidence to be able to be independent, I also think my anxiety causes me to not be as independent. Anxiety can cause so many problems which you just don't always think off!

[Oosh]

I know it doesnt seem like it but feeling like that is very useful to you. Feeling uncomfortable at home and in your current situation is driving you out of it and towards other people and a healthier situation. Its a good sign.

The recent relationship you had also showed you you wanted/needed more of that companionship in your life.

I was the same. When i was isolated, had massive anxiety and didnt have a job i made myself a routine. It revolved around visiting the swimming baths and gyms and i didnt want to come home until tea time.

The truth is i was over training but i grew to fear being stuck around the house all day everyday. Because then id be stuck at home in the evenings too and there was just no shape to my day, no direction, no productivity.

At least i could return home at tea time, have a massive tea and watch some evening telly.

Once i got my car id take my dog to the beach and sit there often too. Anything to not be trapped at home.

I started going to college full time and eventually drove and met someone and moved in with them.

For years after i couldnt bare to travel home to the city never mind to my parents house.
I had nightmares about being in my bedroom at my parents house for many years.

Your own place and a step up in job sounds like a great next step. Youll be a lot more mobile when youre driving. And it goes without saying that bringing some people into your life will help you feel a lot better.

So yeh, welcome those uncomfortable feelings, theyre whats pushing you into a better situation.

[Charlotteee89]

Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it! There's always a positive to a negative.

With my SAD I didn't want to do anything, I was house bound, I couldn't even go food shopping with my parents as I was too terrified of people. I dread to think what close family and friends thought, they knew something was wrong though. I was perfectly happy being at home, in my own space, in my sanctuary and just doing nothing. Same routine, day in day out.

Now I have NO IDEA how I managed that! How did I not get bored? I now just can't get my head round it, those years are a blur to be honest.

Now my anxiety has kinda flipped in a way, instead of being too scared of people I now almost love being around people and doing things! When I'm not I get anxious.

Getting anxious at home is something that started earlier this year, I had a massive panic attack out of the blue one evening and it scared me to death, it felt like my house walls were closing in on me and I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was in prison, I felt completely out of touch with reality, so dizzy and sick - my little square home just felt like a cell. So now when I'm at home too much or too long I start feeling anxious, panicky, trapped and imprisoned. It's horrible.

But yes, once I pass my driving test the World is my oyster! I do need to feel comfortable being at home though, I can't keep trying to 'escape' my home, the way in which I overcame my SAD is by doing exposure therapy, so I've been doing something similar at home and it does seem to be working. I have little blips however, but nevermind. My mind can easily wander into allowing me to be subconsciously aware of being at home. Once I'm 'aware' it's hard to switch those thoughts and the following symptoms off.

I suppose now I'm re-starting and re-building my life, I never thought 5 years ago I'd be where I am now, I'm playing catch-up, trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to be, I suppose when you spend years so disconnected from life it takes a little while to re-adjust to whatever 'normal' is. Nothing will come handed to me on a plate (like a job, friends etc), I just need to accept what happened, happened and not beat myself up over it. Be proud of myself for over-coming such severe SAD and look forward to the future and not look back on the past and be ashamed of it.

It'll all work out in the end! I just need to be patient.

[Charlotteee89]

My anxiety has flared up again! I think it's due to lack of sleep, I've not slept well the last few nights and I just feel like a zombie.

I seem to be getting anxious over not having a boyfriend, I'm getting obsessive thoughts about it. I've been thinking about my ex a lot, I was doing pretty well for a week or so but suddenly I'm feeling rubbish about it again, it doesn't help that I see him at work nearly every day. My friends and work colleagues say that I'm in a difficult situation - When you break with someone, normally, there's a bad reason why, but with me, there wasn't... He simply just isn't ready for a relationship and originally said when he is he'd let me know and depending on the situation at the time we could maybe start again but then he said a few different things a week later ("Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.." "I want us to move on, as friends" "I don't really know why I'm not ready, it just didn't feel right" during our argument) which made me think that isn't going to be the case. I've just not had much closure on the situation, he's a pretty decent guy and he's what I would want in a boyfriend so I'm left thinking, what should I do? Get over him, as in try and stop having feelings for him completely and move on or keep that flame alive a little but still be on the look out for a new guy. I'm pretty confused.

I'm going through intense moments of really wanting a boyfriend, I'm not sure whether it's all anxiety or whether my anxiety is just exaggerating feelings I already have, probably the latter. I've always been pretty chill when it comes to guys, never been overally bothered about them or having a boyfriend, but now I've experienced it, I kinda want more of it... I want to experience those feelings again, is that a bad thing? Does that make me needy or very un-confident? I don't want to be one of those girls who relies heavily on a boyfriend and can't function without having someone in their life as they're massively insecure. I do actually want independence so much!

Ugh.

[Oosh]

No it doesn't make you needy or unconfident it makes you lonely, isolated and wanting and missing companionship. There's nothing weak about wanting and needing companionship. It's completely natural. Forget all this being independent stuff. Be independent financially so you can support yourself if a relationship ends. That's all, it's ok to need other people emotionally.

It's like a drug. You got such a massive emotional reward from companionship with a bf that it makes sense for your mind to look for sources of it now it's ran out and keep going back to him , wondering if he can be a source of it again.

I don't think it's good for you to go to that source again. I don't think you should offer your companionship to someone then sit there alone waiting to see if he feels like having a relationship yet. It's hard, really hard when you have to see them everyday.

It just sounds like you're finding being without a companion pretty unbearable now. And like I said, that's a GOOD thing.

Learn to have lots of value for yourself, have good standards and behaviour you won't accept and find a companion, a NEW one.

Having friend companions is good too you know. Have you got any good friends you can hang out with while you're looking ?

Having a small group of real friends is very important. They will be there when relationships end.

Keep listening to how you feel and getting what you feel you need.

But don't go back to him !
Not unless he comes begging. Not unless HE contacts and pursues YOU.

You're on the right track. Pass your driving test. Change jobs, meet new people. Date, meet new people. Join clubs, classes, groups, meet new people. Lots of singles join things like walking and travelling clubs.

Get your own place. Be financially independent so if a bloke doesn't reach your standards you can kick him out of your life and not be dependent on him.

[Charlotteee89]

Thanks I needed to read that.

I actually woke up this morning thinking "God, I need to get a grip", my anxiety just makes me feel so lost and confused at times.

I've been thinking about this massive craving for companionship I'm getting and I think it's coming from what my anxiety is usually based off - me getting anxious, frustrated and bored being at home. It's getting darker earlier now and that's making me feel more anxious, I get panicky at night due to that panic attack I had at night months ago and all the additional thoughts and feelings I had with it. I felt very flighty last night, I just wanted to escape my house, to not feel so 'trapped' and so I was thinking that if I had a boyfriend I could be spending time with him and not feeling that way etc etc. If I didn't feel so anxious at home I wouldn't feel like that as much, my feelings would be a lot more normal and calmer. I don't feel lonely, I think I'm just bored and frustrated with my life. My same daily routine is also starting to flare my anxiety up.

I do still have feelings for my ex, so that's not helping, so of course I'm going to want him back in my life. All normal stuff. I just need to move on from him, get him out my head - that's not going to be easy.

I do have a few close friends who I'm going to be spending time with this weekend so I'm looking forward to that!

[Charlotteee89]

I'm still getting anxious and pretty frustrated about my future.

I've got this massive urge and desire to just move out, but I financially can't at the minute and I'm feeling very impatient!

My hours at my current job should be going up in a few months so that's a positive but I know I'll need a new job if I wanted to earn even more money (a year salaried job). If I earned £12,000-£15,000 then I've got to bare in mind - tax! I probably won't come out with much more than my new hours after tax so I've got to weigh up whether it'll be worth leaving my current job unless it's over around £15,000 at the new job. It's all so much to think about!

But I'm more relaxed with the ex stuff now, I think I'm on the up now after a shaky few weeks of missing him terribly. My friend from work is also trying to set me up with her boyfriend's best friend so I'll have to wait and see about that. But I do feel very nervous about getting to know a guy and feeling so comfortable with a new guy, I don't know how easy that's going to be.

[Oosh]

Look at how much more constructive your thinking is these days Charlotte.
Your thoughts are on how you can get your own place and make new relationships. You sound to me like you are on an upward curve now.

Affording your own place is tricky. Its so expensive these days.
Do none of your working mates want to share a place ?

Think of ways to supplement your income. It's easy to start a small business online these days. It could start small but become more substantial over the years.

While you're living with parents is a good time to retrain and better yourself. Once you are in your own place you're stuck always having to pay the rent/mortgage.

You are young and working, maybe if you use your imagination a bit you could get taken on and trained up in a new field completely and earn more than 12k. Look around, be imaginative. Virgin media I always used to notice take you on and train you up and Im pretty sure you're on more like £18k. With overtime it's closer to £24k. Sign up on their careers site.

Have you ever thought about joining things like the RAF ?
My sister in law joined the RAF and was trained as a photographer. They give you an RAF house. She obviously met an RAF bloke and married him. They have three kids now and are stationed in an RAF house in Gibraltar for the next three years.

You can do that. More money. Hunky RAF blokes wanting to date you. See the world. Build your confidence. It's like being given a whole life, a job, a home, friends and probably a partner.

You fancy nursing ? Go to uni and train as a nurse or other healthcare professional. You get a bursary and student loan to get a small place to live. In a few years you'll have a career and can work all over the world, Canada, Australia, the U.S.