Please could I have some advice

[tara]

I apologise in advance if this post is long and confusing. For many years now me and my mum have had an on and off relationship, she kicked me out of the house a few times from aged 16 to 19 for a number of silly reasons, but the last time was when I met my boyfriend 10 and a half years ago, anyway his parents took me in and I lived there for 4 years until we got a flat. During this time me and my mum didn't speak then I bumped into her and we started taking again. (I'll try and keep this simple) . Then I found out I was pregnant and she was the first person I told, she didn't believe me and told me I was wrong, our relationship ended not long after that. When my son was born, we still wasn't talking and my dad asked if she could come and see my son, I told him yes, and the relationship started again. About a year down the line she objected to my boyfriend smoking cannabis and told me she would phone the social services to have him taken from me, obviously the relationship dissolved again. Then a few months down the line we bumped into each other and I let her back into my life again. This was again short lived , becsuse she told me to get rid of my partner (who no longer smokes cannabis) and we didn't see each other, until two days ago when me and my son bumped into her in our local town and she asked us to for coffee with her, so I did. There were really no explainations from her as to why she behaves the way she does and she blamed the last " break up " on me, HUH. Also the following day she came down with some money from my dad. I really need some advice on this as when shes around me I feel really anxious and not in control of my life, and for this last year that she hasn't been around I've had my panic disorder and anxiety and I've done ok. I really don't know what to. I've thought of writing her a letter to say that I'm not ready for a relationship with her yet but my father in law saya "when will i be ready". I'd like some advice from people who understand what it's like to live with anxiety, depression, panic and to have something disrupt my life again, I don't know if i'm ready for it. Thanks for reading my confusing long post, Love Tara xxxxx

[seh1980]

Hi Tara,

I have a similar problem with my mum as she always makes me feel anxious and panicky. I know it's hard to do but I think the best thing would be for you to sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. If you don't feel up to it, then writing a letter would be best. Sometimes things on paper have more of an effect than spoken words anyway. She probably doesn't know how anxious she makes you feel and she might never do unless you tell her. Good luck!

Sarah (seh1980)

[Caz Fab Pants]

Tara,

You didn't state in your post how you actually feel about your mum after all that's gone on between you and I think this is quite an important factor.

Perhaps you could try to weigh up the pro's and con's of being in regular contact with your mum again to see which is the best road to take.

Maybe you should talk to her, as Sarah said, and suggest seeing her on your terms. You decide when and how often you want to see her and then you are the one in control. If she upsets you again (as she seems to have a habit of doing) then you walk away.

I think it would be a real shame to completely lose touch with your mum but it could turn out to be the best for all concerned. After all, it must be confusing for your son seeing Granny one minute and not the next.

Best of luck with whatever you decide, only you know whats best.

Caroline
x

[jo-jo]

Hi Tara

Parents can be very demanding and it sounds like your mum hasn't accepted that you've grown up and are capable of making decisions on your based upon what you know is best for you. Somehow, she's trying to maintain control by behaving the way she is but she's really not being very fair to you.

I agree with Sarah that the best thing you can do is talk to her about how she makes you feel and tell her that her behaviour isn't helping you to deal with your anxiety, depression and panic. It may be hard, but I think you need to firm with her and explain that you can't accept such erratic behaviour, that you want to have a good relationship with her but that she has to accept that you're your own woman now and that she has to respect the decisions you make. I'm sure that she loves you heaps and that this may be hard for her, buts its for the best for both of you and hopefully will allow you to get your relationship back on track.

Good luck hon, take care, love Jo xxxx

[tara]

Thanks for your advice, I think I will write a letter to explain how I feel, after this last period of not speaking I told myself that this was the last time she was going to do this to me, for my own sanity and for my son. She has done numours things to me in the past, sold my car, forged my signature in my bank, lied and more lies, and this was to be the last time I even told myself that I had no parents(as my father is an alcoholic and I never see him) and I was settled this time with the fact that this was it, I was to take no more, I don't really know if I even like her ( sorry if this sounds cruel) . The thought of her knocking my door makes me very anxious and I had a panic attack when I was in the cafe with her and had to go to the toliet to calm down. I don't know if I want her back in my life and my familes life. Thanks for the advice, anymore would be greatfully accepted. Love Tara xxx

[tara]

Thanks girls for your advice and support, love Tara xxx

[sal]

Hi Tara

You really dont need to have this affect on your life that she is at the moment, and it must be so hard not knowing when it will be thrown back in your face again. The uncertainity must be horrible. I dont have a great relashionship with my mother she is very un understand of the whole situation but expects me to be at her beck and call whenever she feels like it and we should be, we are adults now.

If you dont feel you can talk to her take your time and write it all down on paper. That way she can see how you feel and if you had spoken to her how many times do people misinterpret what we say or choose to ignore parts of the conversation. But a letter we can use our avoidance techniques on that one.

I hope you feel you could manage that and i hope she takes heed to what you have to say. She cannot dictate your life, only you have that choice and you have gone with what you want and makes you happy.



Love Sal xxxxx

[Rennie1989]

tara

iv suffered the same as you when my ex-mate (sam, not the one on this site!!!)slip up with me and everytime i would see her my heart would miss a beat as i would be scared if she came up to me and said something to me, even if it was just hello. The best thing to do at the time was to ignore her, not ignore what she was saying and not reply but just not to look at her and turn the oposite direction as her. She soon realised my plan and did the same. I know sam but i dont know your mum's personality but if you want, write a letter to her as you are not talking and she can not interupt, i told sam via email that our relationship was over, she took it the wrong way but your mum may understand as she is your mum. Then again i feel sorry fro you for what she has done to you!!!

Hope your ok tara

Scooter Girl

if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears

[tara]

Thanks a lot for youe advice, I've just wrote a letter explaining the wasy I feel and that change and disruption to my life at the moment is no good for me and that i don't feel strong enough to deal with building a relationship at the moment and if i do build one i'm not strong enough to deal with rejection again. I'll have another read of it and add some more as i think of it, Thanks again Love Tara xx

[sal]

Hi Tara

Well done for writing some of it down, you have done well there and sounds perfectly acceptable what you have said.

Take care.



Love Sal xxxxx