Monday getting started struggle

[lior]

I woke up at 8 and it's taken me double the time than normal to get ready.

Recently I don't really care about getting better. I don't want to try. I don't want to have to get up and do stuff. I'd rather stay in bed. Thinking bad things is normal now. I don't want to struggle any more. It's such a struggle to try to make myself better. So much travelling, so much difficult unpicking of emotion. It would be much easier to end it.

My career is too difficult to live anyway, even if I was healthy. I just want a job without too much responsibility. I can't handle all my extra projects. My career is too hard and I'm doing it because I believe in it. I don't believe really in the value of doing anything else. But it's too hard. Too much friction against society. I'm battling social norms every day. I'm tired of this. It would be easier if I didn't care about the world so much. I care more about the rest of the world than myself. It's costing me the value of me.

I'm vaguely concerned that I don't want to get better because if this was last year and someone said that to me, I would think they were a lost cause. It's not worth trying to help them because they need to want to help themselves in order to get better.

So perhaps that's it. I'm a lost cause and I won't get better.

God this is depressing and probably sounds attention seeking. I'm just venting, what's going on in my head. I guess what I need help with is - which bit is the irrational bit? There must be a hole in my rationale somewhere. Right? Where am I going wrong? What part of my thinking could be changed in order for me to come to a different conclusion?

[Sunflower2]

Lior I'm also struggling this morning, got up early to go to uni.. It got to 8.30 and I had decided I wasn't going. At least this time I skipped it because I was feeling absolutely terrible. Don't know if you're the same but I feel guilty for skipping so much! I feel guilty for not trying to hardest to get over this. Like I'm not trying to get better.

You're definitely not a lost cause, and neither am I. It's the part of depression tricking our minds into thinking there's no reason for fighting it. What's the point when it's just always going to be difficult. We look for things that aren't there, when it's actually all the little moments inbetween the big things that make happiness. Depression makes us miss that and try to search for all the things that are missing in our lives. But we will never find those and will feel trapped in a never ending cycle. I know I'm happiest doing the most simple things. Maybe it's not the most exciting life, but really the happiest people are often the ones that have very little. They don't think of the future or the past, they think of now. Right now. Because that's all that really matters. Sorry now I'm the one rambling!

[lior]

But if right now is rubbish, and that's all that matters, then it's all rubbish...

I'm trying to make each moment a bit better.
Persuading myself to do a little bit at a time. Doing something good in order to get enough resilience to do the next thing.
There are too many set backs.

You're right, I'm missing the good stuff quite easily.

I feel guilty a bit but I'm not caring as much as I used to.