So im in work people are sat around me.. I feel like crying at my desk or smashing everything up.. I am feeling a massive tantrum coming on over nothing in particular, this headache is getting me down all kinds of thoughts running through my mind. Just want to go home. I used to be able to cope with life's stresses quite well now everything seems to much. I'm now worrying about money calculating what I need to pay out this week on payday it leaves me with hardly anything its getting me in a tizz. The only advantage of daytime work is that I don't have to leave my daughter all weekend I am having trouble adjusting to the money side though. Moved into a new house the other day I have no television because I need to pay sky before they come out and connect it my daughter keeps wanting to watch the Disney channel lol. My phone has been cut off as I cannot afford the extremely large bill that I racked up in Thailand ringing my baby every day. That is getting me in a huge tizz I live alone my phone is my lifeline to use for internet and ringing people when I feel bad..ohh dear. Stuff like this never used to bother me I was always like oh well it will be sorted I stress over it I have become a glass half empty kind of person. In my childhood I had big dreams of what my life would be like as I have reached adult life I see now that life isn't the fairytale that you dreamed for yourself and life comes with a lot of heartache, pain and unfulfilled hopes... Don't get me wrong there is good bits they are few and far between for me but the best thing by far was my little girl the one thing I never particularly dreamed of she is my Angel. In having her it has brought a whole new load of fears however. Its like I have a very dark side that whispers poison into my ears guess that's what they call the devil ? I am 25 next week (if I make it that far) and my adult life has been dominated by health anxiety and bouts of severe depression....Why me I may ask ? guess its the luck of the draw (or maybe its the vast quantities of drugs I sank at a young age) probably. I wonder what kind of person I would have been if I hadn't been this way. where would I be in life. Would I change the way my life has been like this past 7 yrs ? I don't think I would. I mean I would give almost anything now to be 'normal' and to feel at peace with myself... serenity I would like that its a great word.. but if I hadn't faced what I have faced now I could be in a total different place to what I am now I would probably still be taking drugs and doing stupid things. This way I have grown up hard and fast. I feel older then my 25 years I feel bent and weary with it all...Life is passing me by. I'm terrified of death but this terror has made me scared to live. I do everything to the utmost caution and constantly assess the danger in my head.... I go through periods of great morbidness were every day is a struggle to even get washed and get out of bed so low do I feel were even the slightest noise can make me jump out of my skin and then the tears to start. I feel like im teetering on the edge ..but of what I don't know. Iget exhausted fighting the fear is this what people mean when they call it your dragon sometimes I think mine is to strong. I wish someone else could sort that beast out..but they cant can they? its only me who can defeat it. I don't actually know what the point of my post was guess its just the ramblings of my mind and I feel a need to vent them off. Just feel so alone