Symptoms come and go

[Rennie1989]

Hiya all

It's been a month now since the heavy depressive symptoms hit, and a few months since the last 'happy' phase started dwindling. For two and a half weeks it was difficult to do anything, and despite that I carried on going to work. When I was asked to change roles (part of my contract) I asked to postpone it because of my depression. My manager sympathised with me (and her secretary) and referred me for assessment. I had a difficult appointment at occupational health but later today I shall be booking myself for counselling sessions that they have recommended.

I've tried to be more sociable, as was recommended, but every time I meet people (mostly family) I feel worse off afterwards, not got the foggiest why. It's almost as if I felt guilty that they had to be in my presence... maybe. I've even become more crafty, finding ideas of make my new home individual and more 'us'. Any sort of joy I get from these (the joy I so desperately need) is short lived and goes away.

What is getting to me more is the fleeting symptoms. One day, or a half of one day, I get these strong symptoms of fatigue, no motivation, seclusion and dark thoughts of being worthless, a waste and ending it all. The next day, or half, I feel like I can manage through the day and I can hold a normal conversation with my husband and colleagues. The slightest of disappointments can change my mood completely, on Wednesday hubby told me that I may not be able to see my mum and aunts on the following Saturday, for two days (even though hubby found a solution with in the hour) I had the strong symptoms again.

I even had an awful dream last night. I was taken to hospital for thoughts of taking my life where I was left to sit on my own in the corridor. I found a container of sutures and went to hack at my arm, but a nurse took the suture needle, leaving the forceps in my hand. It wasn't very sharp and I could only make superficial cuts. Despite objects that could cause harm were taken away from me I sat alone. I woke up this morning in a bit of a haze from it.

I feel like I am on a fragile line between mental stability and unstability. I fear one knock could tip me over, and I fear losing the things that mean the most to me (hubby, job, college, home) that, if I wasn't depressed, would be the things that would/should make me happy, because I love all four.

Aaaggghhh!!!!!!!! /rant

[I'mdave27]

Maybe the fear of losing everything is a good thing as at the same time it keeps you grounded. Who knows. . .

[MrAndy]

its hard isnt it Rennie,ive been doing really well except for some insomnia but my mood has been really good then this weekend depression hit me really hard.Like you I was worrying about all the importnat things in life,my wife,my family my career,i tried to turn it all off using CBT techniques but couldnt push through it.Today though I feel a different person.Sometimes just hanging in there works,you have lots of experience and been there before so I am sure you can get through this difficult period
sending you positive vibes

[Rennie1989]

I'mdave27 - that, or it's keeping me from toppling over.

MrAndy - the worries of losing those things aren't on the forefront all the time, in fact they rarely are, my only true fear is hurting my husband (makes the dark thoughts worse). I've been hanging on for 10 years (minus one year) and it just doesn't seem like it's getting easier, each episode feels different from the last and this one feels particularly worse because of how long it's going on for and how strong the dark thoughts are whilst trying to carry on being normal.

Sorry to be disagreeable.

[I'mdave27]

An interesting book I read 'breaking down is waking up' may help you. Obviously I don't expect you to break down but sometimes it can be the best thing a person can do as it frees of the constant worry of breaking down and will hopefully lead you to recovery or getting the help you need , that is waking up. You know that you can get through this Rennie as you ain't weak and deep down I'm sure you get carried away with you're thoughts like I do , all the time. I wouldn't worry so much about losing you're husband , house , job etc because once you go insane you won't really care about them because you've gone insane

[Rennie1989]

I've gone insane?

[I'mdave27]

No. I said that because you seem like you are about to go insane lol

[Rennie1989]

I'm sure that was a joke but right now I don't appreciate it. I'm already feeling like crap right now, and quite scared, and could do with my health being taken seriously.

[Elen]

Rennie

Sorry to hear that things are so bad atm.

I totally appreciate what you are saying as I am kind of in the same place right now.

I so wish I had the answers but unfortunately I don't.

I know that I am not being much help but just wanted to let you know that you are not insane, and are not alone.

[I'mdave27]

I didn't mean it as a joke. You do sound like someone who is on the verge of a breakdown I'm sorry if that hurts or annoys you but what can I do apart from give my point of view ?