incredibly low

[patrosian]

I apologise in advance for my long post but somehow I just want to speak about things right now.
I am 67 & been married I was 21. We had one child, a son who is now in his late 30's.Things have been rocky for some years on & off with my husband because of my depression mainly caused by my unfortunate bad health problems that are still ongoing. My husband has never understood depression & has given me little or not support over the years.
Earlier this year, we received a letter from our son who has a partner & young children which basically stated how he felt we had let him down since he turned to adult age. We have never lived near...they live nearly 3 hours drive away & one of my health problems means I cannot drive. When their 1st born arrived, we gave them what I considered to be a substantial sum of money for the baby & they spent this wisely on things they needed. We were, due to financial problems at the time, not able to do this for the 2nd child. When he wrote this letter, he mentioned this & we explained the situation which fell onto deaf ears. After a few weeks, he visited us to discuss what he had said in his letter but unfortunately the hurt that came out of his mouth was too much for me & things got heated. One thing was that I wanted to put a little bit of money aside out of my pension each week for their children. He said his partner had opened a bank account for them & told me to pay any money into that. I did not want to do this...I wanted to put money aside myself. His answer was "well, if you don't trust my partner then any money you want to give them will be refused"!!!
This meeting with our son caused tension between me & my husband in many ways & I ended up very low indeed but thanks to my fantastic GP I have got through.
My husband has always been pretty selfish, never buying me anything, never saying he loves me & I have always been the one to do cooking, washing, decorating etc etc as it simply would not be done. The crunch came when I had a minor leg surgery & I was on crutches for a couple of days & he refused to make me a dinner for two nights. He says now that he regrets not doing that but he had no remorse at the time.
Because of the tension between us, it has been decided we won't be able to live together any more...he is keeping in touch with our son & sadly I have had no contact with him/his family for many months. I said I could not forgive him for the things he has said & would welcome an apology, something he has told my husband he will not do.
So, he said he would not be willing to move & my life has been hell for the last couple of months living with him. I am now hoping to buy a small property under a shared ownership scheme & have to rely on benefits to cover my costs; something I have never done in my life before. Like everything, the work being done through the solicitor for this purchase seems to be taking an absolute age but hopefully within a few weeks I will be moving away with my little dog for company.
My husband saw our son & his family a few weeks ago, meeting them halfway. I gave him some bits & pieces for the boys to give them. He also took a camera along with him when he met them. A few days later he received an email from our son's partner to say if they had realised the gifts were from me they would have been refused & as for taking pictures, this wasn't allowed as they said I would see them!! He is going to meet up with them again towards the end of this month & yes, I would love to buy some things for the boys but know they would be refused. It bloody hurts. I would walk to the end of the world to help anyone & my close friends, some of many, many, years know this. I cannot get all these things out of my mind & just feel completely depleted. thank you for reading this long post xx

[Annie0904]

oh your post had me in tears :( I am really sorry for you, it seems that you have tried all you can but are being rejected. Do you have any support from any other family members or friends? We can only hope that one day your son will see what he has done and also the children will want to meet their Grandma. Does your son know how much this is hurting you? I don't know if a letter to him explaining how you feel would help. It really is a difficult one for you. Sending you hugs

[patrosian]

bless you..I didn't mean to upset you. I have a sister but she lives a long way from me but I am in touch with her daily via text messages/emails.

I know I will cope admirably on my own once I move. I intend to get a little volunteering job in a charity shop & my little dog is now my life. I have been hurt really badly & the close friends I have have all said the same "you do not deserve this".

What I find so hurtful is why I've been treated so badly. My husband says he has taken me for granted but he has never tried to help with my mind problems or anything to do with day-to-day running of our home or to buy me things or say "I love you". The pain inside me is awful but I will survive xxx

[Annie0904]

It is good to see your positive attitude coming through all this hurt you have endured. Your friends are right you don't deserve this. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to chat to any time.

[PanchoGoz]

Just wanted to post to say I am very sorry for your situation xxx

[patrosian]

thanks to both of you for your kind thoughts & words. Things are incredibly tense here between me & my husband & just hope it won't be long before I can move. There are two things I maybe should have highlighted on my first post but will do this now. Last Christmas I sent 3 cards off, one was a combined card for both of the grandchildren, one was to our son & his partner & the last was for one of our grandson's birthday which falls a couple of days after Christmas. These were sent on separate days BUT according to our son, none reached them. I found this quite odd especially as they were all send separately.

As I said in my first post, my husband has been incredibly hurtful & unsupportive. A few months ago I thought the tread on one of the tyres on our car looked a bit low so I mentioned it to him. "Its ok" he said & nothing was done. So, a few weeks later I mentioned it again & this time he completely flipped & said "right, tomorrow I will go into town & get four new tyres" what, I said, that is not necessary. Its only one tyre that needs checking but he was adamant & said if he got them done (he did too), it would "shut me up". I had only mentioned it once & told him at the time I didn't deserve to be spoken to like that.

How about this...we went to a department store & an assistant was there pumping up an air bed with one of those foot pump things. Without hesitation, he turned to the assistant & said "if my wife worked here she wouldn't need the foot pump, she'd be able to do it with her mouth"!!! I was gobsmacked & the look on the poor assistant's face told me she wasn't impressed by what he'd said. When we left the store & I challenged him about what he'd said his reply was I had no sense of humour! These are just two things out of many that tell me I will be better off without him. Thanks for your support & hugs & I return them to you all xx

[Moley]

Am so sorry to hear what your going through. I hope that some day soon your son changes his mind and allows you back in to his life. hope that you manage to get your own place and that things improve for you.

sending some to you

[patrosian]

thank you Moley. I cannot see it happening in the near future but I will live in hope that one day he realises just how much he has hurt me....and my husband for that matter. I appreciate the hugs, they are accepted with many thanks xx

[chickpea]

I want to send you huge hugs and lots of strength.
Your husband sounds very unpleasant. From the few things you have said, you will be much happier loving alone - I wouldn't be surprised if he has played a big part in your mental health issues.
Is your son very like him?
Hopefully, when your son wakes up to the fact that his mother is living alone, he may start to see and feel things differently.

Families are strange things. My mum and dad lived in a loveless marriage for years - decades, really. My mum talked about "when she got her own house", but it never happened. Then my dad was taken very ill and was in intensive care for 6 months, before he died. My mum would visit him every day, but only for the absolute minimum time she could have in the car park. He would beg the nurses to call her and ask her to come back in the evening, but she refused.
After he died, she cleared all his belongings within a few days. I never saw her cry.
One day, I noticed she'd put her wedding ring back on (she had removed it maybe ten years or more before). She told me that it (the fighting and hostility) had all been such a waste - but of course, it was too late by then.

My mum sold our family home on a whim, moving from Surrey to North Yorkshire to be near my brother. I tried to tell her it was a mistake - my brother had previously lived 20 minutes from her and never, ever visited her and very rarely called her or had her to visit. As a result, my mum and I didn't see each other for 3 years and didn't speak at all for over half of that.
Sure enough, my mum now lives alone, around the corner from my brother...and he doesn't see her more than once a fortnight, never calls, never helps her - she even got the bus to hospital to have surgery on her eyes. She is 80.

I just know your life is going to be happier very soon. It may not be easy, but it WILL be happier.xxx

[MyNameIsTerry]

I hope you can resolve this situation.

Something I want to say as a man in his late thirties, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, is that I question your son's use of lack of support since becoming an adult. As a parent the main duty is prior to this, when we become adults we are able to make our own way in life and I can't understand how a man would want it any other way really. Once we become adults, parents are there when we need them but we prefer to make our own way.

You had no duty to give him any money for having a child. Its his responsibility to provide for his child, not yours. I wouldn't dream of taking money off my parents for this, I would regard it as my responsibility to provide for my family and whilst I may take it to make them feel better, I would feel a little off about having to. So, for him to then raise an issue that you didn't do it again makes me question what he believes the relationship should be between you all.

I think he needs to consider this. These are things that have occurred in his adulthood, a time when he should be looking after himself and should no longer need his parents (I know we all do, its just that we should be making our own way and coming to you when we need you but we shouldn't be expecting things from you anymore, we leave that behind when our childhood ends).

I really hope you don't take this the wrong way. I just want to raise this because I'm betting you are feeling pretty guilty about all this and beating yourself up and I don't think you should be because whatever issues exist, they are not just because of you.

Your husband seems a bit of an old fashioned type when it comes to roles but you can't be expected to look after him when you are injured, aside from marriage being a partnership anyway, he should at least be supporting you through those times. It does sound like you will be better off without this situation which is only going to add to your depression.

Their comments about not allowing gifts to be given to their children is a selfish attitude. Its not the children's fault. This is a classic sign of relationships where children are used as weapons. Again, I hope you don't think I am having a go at your son, its not my intention, but I think mental health issues can make us think we are always to blame and its just not the case in what you are describing.

Travelwise, I'm not sure what he expects. If he wants to come and see you, he knows where you are. It seems strange that your husband had to meet him half way really, it reminds me more of situations between estranged partners. He knows you can't drive, so he can't expect you to get to him and if your husband won't drive you, he needs to accept that situation or come to you.

I don't know how you will move forward but I do hope you resolve this situation for your sake and that of your son and grandchildren but in doing so I think your son will need to accept his role in these issues.