mother with OCD?

[Abby]

Hello
This is my first time on a forum. I have been trying to find some info on OCD- which i think my mum has got. She checks and re-checks doors and windows and electric switches about btwn 10-20 times at least 3 times a day. She fears for my safety in a huge huge way- if I go out- she will ring me at least 3-5 times to see where I am and when I am coming home- If I am coming home in the evening she will ring me every 10 mins till I get home to check where I am and each time the messages will get more abusive. I should say I am in my mid twenties and am back at home after 5 years of living on my home. Financial reasons have forced me home. But the most upsetting is the hoarding. The house is jam packed full of things, new bits of furniture, old bits of furniture, things to decorate the house with, rubbish that is not thrown out, and in her room there are clothes everywhere, papers piled high on the floor, bits of food like crisps and nuts on her bedside table, her bed is covered in papers, the carpet is full of crumbs, she never draws the curtain, or opens the windows for fresh air. I could go on......basically I do what I can- but now its become a never ending battle- as much as I clean and clean and tidy- she will mess it up again- or there will be some excuse like the builders are in or she is ill- another thing that has gone on for years, sometimes she thinks she has cancer, another time heart problems, another time stomach ulcers- and I try but its getting me down. How do I live my life and yet be a good daughter? How do I help her when she doesnt want any help and in fact picks fault with me on a daily basis? And even when I moved out she would still ring me 2-3 times aday every day and tell me she could not cope without me at home.
Also I have noticed that over the years I have this habit of for no reason having to count to ten. Usually if I am walking home late at night, or am upset about something. Its not a daily or even a weekly or monthly thing- but its there sometimes and I worry- will I turn into her?
Please - I would be really grateful for any advice. Has my mum got OCD? What can i do? Anything would be great.
Thank you for listening.

[sal]

Hi Abby

Welcome to the site, it does sound like you mum has OCD and it cant be easy for you the pressure she is putting you under.

I dont think you have anything to worry about by counting to 10 it is your way of coping when feel stressed, a good technique to calm you down and no doubt you sometimes do it when on your way home as you know you are entering the same stressful environment.

Has you mother ever sought help for this. Hoarding is a good indictor of OCD as they dont want to let go of anything. By having her room such a mess do you think she is depressed aswell and cant be bothered to keep the place tidy, that is quite usual.

Love Sal xxxxx

[seh1980]

hello Abby,

Yes, it certainly sounds like your mum is suffering from OCD. It also sounds like this is causing you a lot of unwanted stress. I wouldn't worry about ending up like her as you are very aware of the fact that she is very over the top and because of this, it is very unlikely that you could ever be like her. It's kinda like Catch 22 - if you think you could be mad, you're definetly not!! Is there anyone one you could talk to about her? It might be a good idea to get some advice because she would probably be a much nicer, 'normal' person if she got some help. Take care.

Sarah

[Abby]

Hi.
Thanks for the replies- means a lot. I never thought of the counting to do with stress at home- thats a weight off.
She wont talk to anyone- or even admit there is a problem. She's been depressed for years so Im sure that adds to the problem of not wanting to clean the house. A while back she was on prozac and when i went to uny she used to see her GP once a week for a chat- but then things got too painful for her so she stopped- she has the ability to re-invent the past or present to suit her and whenever I bring up the issue however tentatively or even crassly when ive had enough she replies by saying she's "not mad" and that her life is hard- with no man in her life to protect her.
What makes it harder is that sometimes I resent her so much- especially as all my life she has been like this and when I was younger- before I got taller than her she used to hit me and lock me in rooms for being bad. and it took me years to get over the pain of the things she had done and now here I am again- looking after her now- it doesnt seem fair sometimes.
I guess there is no remedy really bcse she has to want to be helped- but i do know that my health is now suffering with asthma bcse of the mess in the house and on and off depression as I see no way out. Its just good to know that there are people who understand. When I chat to my friends they just say well move out- but if it was that simple I wd hae done it by now- you know? I feel responsible- bcse she has cut herself off so much- she has no one except me.
Thank you for taking the time to reply though- its good to know im not alone. x

[seh1980]

hello again Abby,

I was thinking - is there no one you could get to talk to your mum about getting some advice/help? maybe someone who she trusts and might listen to?
It's so unfair that you are all alone having to deal with her - I really feel for you.

Sarah

[sal]

Hi Abby

Pleased you feel a bit better about the counting and can see it is stress related, it is you subconsciously unwinding yourself before you enter an environment that you know is so stress related for you. It shows how rational you are about it and that is your coping mechanism, which so many people find they havent got one. You have adjusted to the situation and cope by gearing yourself up ready for it.

It is a hard situation especially as your mother made you suffer when you were younger through her illness and now you are the one left to pick up the pieces.

I know your friends say just leave, but you feel obliged to help her through it, but you have to remember you have helped her for a long time now and she is no further forward. Having you there is her way of not facing up to her problems and she is relying heavily on you. And if starting to affect your health you have to remember that you count as much as her.

You are in a very hard situation and obviously as much as you support your mum you need more support to get you through this.

You obviously care a lot for your mother as you are there supporting her but still have issues as how she treated you, so you are a strong person offering that constant support when she hurt you when you were younger.

It doesnt matter how much you do for her, she has to want to help herself or you dont stand a chance. You need to try and make her realise how much help she needs and that you alone cant cure her or make her feel better.



Love Sal xxxxx

[Abby]

Thanks Sal and Sarah
Your advice means a lot to me it really does and it just helps to know someone understands.
There are people she talks to- but no one she would be honest with- as she doesnt feel she has a problem- in fact most of the time she tells me I am the one with the problems and that I am selfish and heartless....so thats the way the world is for her- she often sees herself as a victim. Dont get me wrong she's not awful all the time- but most of the time to get home after a long day at work and see rubbish all over the place, know that she has just been lying in bed all day and shouting at the TV- makes me angry and sometimes you feel like you will implode. This is the first time Ive ever been on one of these forums or spoken so frankly about her illness- so it feels like a breakthrough for me. I have said that as much as is possible I have to distance myself from what she is doing- or it will make me ill too- and if that means letting her get on with it, or shout at the tv all day or lie in bed all day then so be it- it still makes me angry and upset- but i would rather do that then have to sit with her and counsel her as I have done since I was 13. Theres a time when that has to end surely? She was never a real mother to me when I was vulnerable and though it hurts that she isnt one now- I have to be my own parent or no one else will be you know?
Thankyou again- It really means so much that people understand. Thank you.

[nomorepanic]

Hi Abby

It is great to see you here and caring so much about your mother.

It must be so hard to live like you do and put up with so much as well.

You are doing well though and I am sure the advice you are getting here will help too.

Just wanted to say Hi and Welcome to the forum

Nicola

[sal]

Hi Abby

You cant expect to be totally repsonsible for her and her saying it is you is the fact that she is in denial, and until she can admit she has a problem you dont really stand a chance in helping her move forward. Like you say you have spent your life helping her when at times you will have needed it so much more. I know she is your mother and regardless of your childhood you love her, but remember you need time for yourself and you dont need to be dragged down by her.

It would be easier to help her if she accepted she was ill, but you cant make her see that.

Remember you will get loads of support on here and it is a break through for you that you have talked about it after so long. You have done well and need as much support as your mum does, so remember to keep having some you time.



Love Sal xxxxx

[seh1980]

hello again Abby,

Do let us know how you are getting on...

Sarah