I have stepped over the line nto insanity

[feege]

Oh happy one - can I just send you a big HUG

Meg said some great things, and Lisa and Piglet and the others too...

Many of us have been where are you hon and have come back. I had a terrible breakdown some years ago - I described it has having a video tape running in my head the whole time - I couldn't work out what was real and what wasn't...

You will feel better than this as surprising as that seems and it is so much more common that you could possibly imagine to have 'episodes' of feeling this bad - and to come back again even stronger...

You are such a vibrant intelligent and thoughtful person - hey we need you hon!!!!

Try to give in to it and just rest and let it wash over you - this too will pass my love..

Loads and loads of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

[happyone]

hi
thank you. I am alsos orry i didn't read the posts properly earlie. ive had acouple of hours sleep. lisa i am so sorry I have made you and possiblyothers think i tried to commit suicide. thats not what i meant. I disappeared. i left my house and family early thurs morning and drove and drove and drove. i drove to some of the places wespeak about on your thread. I drove for two days. i told them i wasn't coming back and i had to reinvent myself. I made up a new name. when i was drivng i could see why suicide was appealing and i tried and tried to pluck up the gutsthinking of all the ways and places, thankfully i am gutless. my doc phoned me wheni ws driving. and i told her. i couldn't stop driving, when i di it made my chest hurt.
even now that i am home, i can't tell hubby.i think he might have an idea. i made the docswear she wouldnt tell him how bad i felt. she agreed but did say she was going to tell him to call police iff i didn't go to hosptal. so now i am scared i wont get well and he will leave me and take the kids and he will get to keep them cos i have overstepped the line. if id dont have my kids I have nothing. he can leave me if he wants but i can't let anyone have my girls.
i am cheerfuloften lisa its just this swing i cant stand. the highs are good but the lows just keep on getting lower. now that I have done my escape, i dont know what to do if it gets too much as i always saw this as my bottom line. i always joke my way out of things. if I make people smile it makes me happy.
thank you everyone. fee, you said nice things and thank you piglet.
i love to come on here and talk but feel so guilty about using up space talking about me. i just feel so scared just now. for months I have wanted to cry, now I want ti to stop.

"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[Quirky]

(((((Happyone)))))

Please don't aplogise, I didn't think for sure you meant suicide I just wasn't sure what you did mean by "disappear". Thanks for explaining what happened. Thankfully you are ok and got some help. Not commiting suicide does not make you gutless, quite hte opposite - not doing it and facing your fears as you are is really brave and shows alot of guts. It sounds awful what you went through mate although I can kind of understand why you drove to the places you did as those places we talked about are where I want to go when I feel down too.

You will get well again, you really will, this is just an awful low moment but it will pass and you will emerge stronger - I truly believe you can.

I'm not a Mum but I can imagine how you feel about your girls and of course you won't want to leave them. What has happened is no reason for them to be taken away from you, being ill/depressed etc does not make you a bad mother in any way, you sounds like a great Mum but you are ill right now that's all.

With the right help you will get through this, you are strong and you can do it.

Would it help to talk all this through with Hubby do you think? Would it help if he understood fully how you feel? I hope he is being kind and understanding about what happened.

If you love coming here to talk please do, no need to feel guilty and you're certainly not wasting space, that's what this place is here for. If there are things you don't want to say here then pm me if that's easier - but keep talking if it helps.

I often joke my way out of things too, I think sometimes we have to stop joking and open up to how much we are suffering.

I wish I could come and give you a big hug in person.

Anyway you must be exhausted so I hope you get some good sleep tonight.

Night night,

Love Lisa x

[happyone]

I have had a sleep and things don't feel quite so bleak but I still have this overwhelming desire to escape. I don't know what I want to escape. I have two beautiful children, a hubby thats ok in a very uncommunicative undemonstrative kind of way, a mum who is amazing and in short, everything to stay for and I want to escape it all. I want to feel enjoyment in my life and want to do things like take my kids to the park or to soft play. Do you know, I even had my daughter mis a party a few days ago cos I couldn't face the other parents. I try to keep my older daughter in as much as possible so she doesn't bring in friends or just because i need to know where she is constantly.
I am here in this room hiding away cos I want solitude. I don't want mum to phone, i don't want hubby to pretend everything is ok, I don't want to be responsible.
Hubby doesn't get it unless I cry and openly panic.(which i dont do in front of him often) he says nothing. i have to push him for everything. he never asks me anything, maybe an 'you awright?' if I say no and try to tell him he says
'you'll be fine, just take it easy'
I want to get in my car and drive, not far away, just somewhere quiet but I am afraid that he will call the police and I'll be admitted to a hospital at home (which is not a nice place, i have visited someone there)
if i could leave the house at sunrise and come back at bedtime I'm sure i'd be fine.
Lisa, those places are beautiful and I wish i had got more out of them but unfortunately i hardly even saw whwere i was going. thank you for being so nice. I know you have your difficulties too and I wish I could give you the answres to make yours ok.
I've now been to my last wilderness on this land and I think I have to now think of somewhere else to escape to.
happyone

"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[Piglet]

Morning button,

Firstly try not to worry about the girls - it would be the same if you had a physical illness and had to be laid up for some time and hubby would be looking after them.

In due course you will feel much better and be able to look after them how you want to. Don't forget parentage is supposed to be a shared role anyway - maybe if you let him do a little more occassionally it might lift some of the pressure off you.

I was far too fiercely independent when I look back now and I think this may have been my undoing. I seemed to think me and only me was the one to bring up my piglets and everyone else wouldn't love them like I do. While that is perfectly true it doesn't mean that other people can't help.

Once I loosened up and let other people help me out especially my ex and his new wife (of whom I felt very threatened by at the time - sort of she got my hubby is it now the turn of my kids) things changed remarkably for the better. I realised just by loving your kids and having that special relationship with them that you form a bond that can't be broken EVER!!!! Regardless of where they are actually are.

When you love your kids you can afford to let go of the reins a little because they respond to the love you give out and you never lose them. I hope that makes sense!!

On a practical note now how would you feel it hubby took you out for a drive somewhere nice today that you could have a walk and feel the wind on your face. Sometimes when I felt completely crap a friend used to take me out and we'd do that. Every single time we did I felt better for it.

Love Piglet



"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[happyone]

Sorry me again,
I spoke to Hubby. Itried to explain a bit of what is going on in my head. He cant get it. I’m not being critical of him, he just doesn’t understand why I can say I love what I have In my life but I feel so desperate. I told him I protect him from the worst thoughts but he tells me I’m going to be ok. I have to be ok for him cos he just doesn’t get it. I’ve already said that haven’t I?
I told him I still want to escape but it just hurts him so I am just going to shut up now and not tell him anything.
What do you say when people ask how you are?
‘fine’ lie
‘crap’ oh god, what do I say now?
‘well, two days ago suicide felt like a viable option, but I’m all better now thanks’ oh well, that’s good then.
I know I sound like an ungrateful wretch I just feel so suffocated. It is such a long time until bedtime and I while away the time going over and over in my head, the same things. I don’t know how I can manage until I see doc or someone. I can feel the urge to just get up and go again. I know it helps to do something and I tried to make my daughters bed but I don’t have the energy. Hubby keeps on trying to feed me but the sight and smell of food is turning my stomach. Cant be a bad thing, lost 3lbs this weekend. Maybe if I could lose my appetite until I lost another 10, I’d have a new image and wahey….new me. I’m kidding, I know it doesn’t work like that.
Forgive my ramblings. I have nowhere else to let this out.
happyone


"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[Piglet]

We were posting at the same time there hun

Can I repeat my suggestion from my post above about hubby takin you out for a drive somewhere nice to have a walk - do you feel physically up to doin that???

You need to have something undemanding to do to take your tired brain off your thoughts if you can!

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[happyone]

thanks piglet.
Hubby would take me out in the car, but I want solitude. I am sort of moving between sadness and anger so I might lose it in the car with him.
I know I need to let go the reins a bit, but I am so scared of not getting things right i can't let anyone else get it right before me. I get so angry if people try to help but it reminds me of all i am not doing.
thanx
happyone


"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[darkangel]

Hi Happyone

Ive just read your post this morning and the words that keep jumping out at me from your post is "escape" and "solitude"

There comes a time when everything just seems so intense we dont know where to run to - and the feeling is so strong to get out somewhere and escape - but what is it you are escaping from?

Can I add, i have been in the exact same place as you are just now - what can I say to you to offer some comfort - forget tomorrow - forget two hours from now - concentrate on THIS moment. You need time out to recover. Try not to add additional fears to your thoughts.

Look at being admitted to the psych ward as a positive - they are there to help you - we all get blips in life and reassure yourself that you have been checked over by professionals who are there when you need them. If they were in any doubt of your mental state then they wouldnt have let you out - so it is good that you have been "poked prodded injected tranquilisd" to check for anything else.

Can I ask, have you been given medication or have you been referred for any other treatment?

Am I right in saying that you live in Scotland - there are a few crisis telephone lines you can call - Breathing Space 0800838587 6pm - 2am or Time Out service (Falkirk area) 01324 633597 the time out one run by professional volunteers specialised in mental health - runs 7pm - 11pm

Take one moment at a time and REST, REST and get more REST
Thinking of you and remember this is only a blip - you will get through this - I know, Ive been in your shoes and can empathise with you, sweetheart.

Darkangel x


........life is for living not just for surviving

[happyone]

thank you so much darkangel
when I was 'escaping' I desperately wanted to talk to someone, to have someone help talk me down so to speak but I didn't know any numbers and I couldn't get any sort of directory enquires with my mobile. I tried to cal NHS 24 but the stupid phone wouldn't let me get through. I couldn't stop long enough to use a public phone or I panicked.
I have been given the medication that I missed when I was away and now that I am back home I am back taking it again.have to say, it may be in my head, but I feel calmer. but the psych doc thinks I need something else and I have to get myself to doc for new referral/new medication.
I don't know what to do now. I already have appoint for 27th but I don't think i should wait that long. Gp is unlikely to have info from psych tomorrow but she knows how i am as she talked me nto going to hospital. I don't want to use up an appointment uneccessarily, but I desperately want to feel better but more than anything I want to talk.
i'm rambling again. thank you dark angel it really helps.
happyone

"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!