I have stepped over the line nto insanity

[Piglet]

Happyone you are not using up an appointment uneccessarily mate - I think your doctor (as she talked to you that day) will be more than happy to see you.

I agree it seems rather a long time to wait until the 27th, as if any medicines are suggested it would be nice to be able to start those sooner than that wouldn't it!

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Quirky]

(((((Happyone)))))

Hi there, just wanted to say I am still thinking of you. There are some great replies here so I'm afraid I can't add any more advice to them.

I agree that going to see your gp soon is a very good idea, you will not be wasting her time. Go and have a chat with her this week if possible and see where you go from here. It will help to talk to someone that understands and if you need to change your meds you can or she can refer you on for therapy of some sort.

I really feel for you right now and wish I could help in some way.

Take care, look after yourself and as everyone says take things slowly, hour by hour or minute by minute if necessary.

Love Lisa x

[darkangel]

Hi happyone

I agree its a long time til the 27th. Could you maybe give your gp a phone call tomorrow and Im sure you could get an earlier appt. You are never using up an appointment unneccessarily - you are important and if you tell your gp everything you have told us then you will get the apporpraite help sooner.

A few months ago I felt myself getting worse again but was a bit scared to tell my gp the truth. I did get an emergency appt and by the end of the week was referred back to psychiatrist and the relevant therapies have begun again. Its not a step back - its just taking care of myself and recognising that sometimes we jsut need a little bit of additional help at the moment.

Take care and let us know how u get on

Darkangel x


........life is for living not just for surviving

[happyone]

Thank you all for the time you have given me.
I am feeling calmer now, just incredibly low/confused again. I am usually anti meds, but I wish I had something to take just now to ease the hurt/send me to sleep. that was a positive about being in hospital, i got something to help me sleep. i can't believe this is me saying all this.
I managed to function normally a bit today. I even ate some dinner, then promptly i was sick. however, it felt better to have eaten.
I am sitting here, my oldest daughter is n the bath, the youngest is in talking to her. they are laughing, playing, joking and I want to go down and tell them to be quiet. What am i?
I have told hubby I want him to go to work tomorrow and mother that I don't need her, which is true to a degree but I am scared I will lose the plot with my kids. Hubby said he 'will see' which means he will take the day off and I don't want him around as then he sees all the things I don't do. He says I have to go to doc tomorrow as she is expecting me to. he is probably making that up.
Dark angel, you saying you were scared of telling gp the truth struck a cord. I went just last week and told her how great I was, which is actually true sometimes but I so desperately wanted it to be true. I had made my plan, I was going to get signed back to work, be well, live happily ever after, youknow. I tried to convince myself it was all about positive thinking. I'm glad you got the help you needed.

Lisa thank you. you are helping me, more than you'd imagine. everyone is by giving me space to write this down and being kind enough to reply and not get cheesed off with my ramblings.
I am going to go to bed early , well back to normal then eh? I am incredibly tired. Things are improved from this morning. My plan this morning was to sleep in the garage. Rather irrational i know, but I haven't followed it through. Don't think hubby would let me, he'd probably have the police cart me out!
hapyone


"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[Piglet]

Just saying goodnight hun and I really hope you have a decent nights kip.

<center>((((H))))</center>

Love Piglet

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Karen]

Hi Happyone

I've only just read your posts and I am so sorry to hear that you've been having such a rough time.

I would agree with what others have said that spending some time in a psychiatric hospital does not mean you are mad or insane. It just means that you are having a particularly tough time and you needed some extra help at that time.

At the same time I can understand why you wouldn't want to go back and if you get the support at home there is no reason you will need to. I have just spent 3 months in a psychiatric hospital, only having been discharged on Friday. Before I went in I was ready to do anything other than go to hospital. Believe me, I wanted to run away, hide and I even contemplated suicide. Hospital was not a bed of roses and was severely lacking in many ways, but I know my friends are relieved that I am physically stronger than before I went there.

Please keep trying to talk to your husband. You need all the support you can get right now. It would also help if someone could push for some extra help and support for you. Would your doctor help with this? Do you have an appointment to see her this week?

I can understand your need to get away. I've wanted to run so that no one could find me but my problems would still be with me. I also empathise with finding each day a struggle. I count the hours and minutes until bedtime but even then don't sleep. Thinking about all the tomorrows really can make things seem impossible and I would agree with advice to take each day an hour at a time. Plan something for each 10 minutes of the hour. It doesn't matter what you do but anything to distract yourself can help a little.

Don't feel like you are alone. You have many people here who care and I am sure many can empathise with the way you are feeling. I certainly can. I have no wish to end up back in hospital either so I'm trying to get through one day at a time.

You can do this and we will support you all we can.

Karen xx

[Quirky]

Hi Happyone,

I'm glad to read that you're feeling a bit calmer and that things are a bit better than this morning. Well done for managing to eat a bit today too.

I hope you get to see/speak to your doctor tomorrow or at least make an appointment. Do let us know how you get on if you can, will be thinking of you.

Keep just taking things bit by bit and keep writing your feeling down here if it helps, we're all here for you.

I hope you sleep well,

Lisa x

[happyone]

morning.
I did sleep, until 2.30 this morning. been up since then. Hubby has obviously realised though that I don't need constant supervision and has taken daughter to school. i don't know yet if he is taking the day off, please no.
I phoned doc but there was nothing today so I have appointment for weds. I now feel really ashamed of myself and while I want to see doc, I am really worried about it. I still want to curl up under the duvet, which I am going to do for as long as I can get away with. I know I should be up and about but it just makes me feel sick having to go about everything in a normal way. If i was on my own, i'd be fine.

I tried to speak to him this morning and I have definately made up my mind i am not going to try again. He told me I am difficult to live with, huh, like I don't know. I would have left me ages ago. He did say the good bits still outweigh the bad. He should try living with him. I know just what he is talking about.
Thanks again for all your time and patience.
karen, than kyou for your kind and thoughtful reply. I know you have not been having an easy time of it yourself and it means a lot that you took time to reply to my rambling.
I don't know what next step is. everything just seems so long away. weds doc, thurs cbt but there is still today and tomorrow and then the time after seeing them. I can't even phone anyone to talk when hubby is here cos he doesn't understand it. He isn't even keen on me coming on here. I only told him about this yesterday cos he didn't know what I had been up to on the pc. He reckons I am talking to a bunch of fraudsters ready to take advantage. and he says I'm paranoid! I'm 30 + for heavens sake, give me some credit. Maybe he is just upset cos I said I can't talk to him but I can talk to people on here.
anyway. thank you all again. I'm going back to my duvet.
Happyone




"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[red100]

HI Happyone,

This is my first post on this forum but i felt i just had to reply to your post because i identify so strongly with what you've written.

I am just recovering from a severe depression, I have just returned to work after 4 months on sick because of it.

I experienced an intense desire to run away as well - in my case i wanted to go to europe. However i soon realised that to accomplish this i would have to actually speak to someone and my desire for solitude was greater than my desire to escape. Sometimes at night i just had to run and would leave my flat with no destination in mind, luckily my fear of walking the streets at night soon kicked in and then i would run back home! There was no reason for me to want to escape the feeling was just overwhelmingly intense - I think this is just a symptom of depression (remember stephen fry running off to belgium?). What i tried to do in my less depressed moments was use another fear to help me control the worst one i was experiencing at the time. Thus my need for solitude stopped me running away (your children, the hospital seem to be working in the same way for you right now.) I alao became convinced that i was going to be a homeless alcoholic (i very rarely drink!) and that i should go and sit with the the other homeless alcoholics in our local town centre - here the desire for solitude saved me again as the relisation that i would actually be surrounded by people who would probably want to talk to me, prevented me from leaving the house!. Later on this intense need for solitude became the main problem it was preventing me from leaving the house, so i used my fear of becoming a housebound agrophobic to actually force myself out (becoming trapped in the house for ever seemed worse than speaking to someone in the local shops!)

I believe now that this use of my differing anxieties and fears was a very positive thing it allowed me to control my most difficult behaviours and gradually overtime to de-escalte the situation. So the fact that you are doing the same seems to me to be very positive. I guess you are beating yourself up over all these crazy coping mechanisms but with hindsight i think this balancing was my non depressed self's way of coping and fighting against the depression. All the things you are thinking and feeling sound familiar to me because they are so common in depression. Remember they will pass and your taking control now as you are is a really good sign. Depression is an illness and you are obviously stronger than it - it will go and you will win. I think some of your fears about the hospital and your children etc are because you feel so totally out of control (thats how i felt) and agains thats how depression makes you feel. I was quite shocked to find out that my GP felt that i was quite in control during my illness "depite the alarming things you were doing" he was referring to self harm and suicide. But even the self harming was a positive step for a while as it distracted me from suicide!

You probably wont see all the positive things about what your doing right now (thats depression) but you are doing them and i really believe thats your non depressed mind leading the fight back -

hope this helps a bit

red100

When my desire for solitude prevented me from leaving the house


I think your fears about your children and of being sectioned are preventing you from running away again and that this is a good thing.

[happyone]

thank you for that red.
a lot of that makes sense to me.
what I find scary is how quickly I can go from one frame of mind to another. Less than a week ago I was telling doc how much better I was, which wasn't a lie,although there were things I missed out, a couple of days later I'm telling her that I think I am mad and i am contemplating suicide.
This morning I felt like hell on earth and went back to bed. then I felt much better and thought 'this has just been a blip, I'll get over it'. Now hubby has gone to work (because I persuaded him to go) i feel like hellon earth again and am running through all those scary thoughts again. I'm not going to act on them but I mull them over and over again.
I have had repetetive thoughts all the time i have been off sick but they have never taken as dark a road as this.
I was seeing the positives, I know I was doing really well but now it all seems gone. I know I was doing well, but I don't care about it any more. I actually think I don't want to. i trully think it is just me, I am in self destruct mode and I don't know how to stop it.
Anyway, excuse my rambling.
thank you.
happyone

"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!