Dating Sites, honesty or not?

[BenLondon]

Hi, I have been suffering from some Mental Health issues for the last three years. One of the consequences of this is loneliness. I have been called a good looking/handsome man on numerous occasions but this is all on the outside, you cannot see the mental health issues. As I am isolated I thought I would try online dating. I have tried this years ago and it was very successful, not so much this time. I was honest in my profile about being off work, with high anxiety amongst other things..I got very few messages. The messages I did get were actually from other people on the site who were also ill. Unfortunately, it seems other people with mental health problems don't want to date other people who also have mental health problems.So, do I lie on my profile? I have amended it a few times and omitted any references to my condition and the messages did trickle through. But, I am going to have to meet them and the truth will come out...just the little things: I cannot get on the Tube, do you mind if we don't go to that busy restaurant. Actually I would feel a lot more comfortable back at mine with a Dvd. How do you approach dating?

[ladyhawke77]

i would say be honest as if the person finds out the truth you will be seen as a liar so its best to find someone who will want you for all of you and not what they think you are if that makes sense

[debs71]

Hi Ben,

I think that you are under no obligation to mention anything about your mental health issues on the site, actually. Not mentioning it does not make you a liar. What would you be 'lying' about??

Umm, nothing. An omission is not a lie!

I think that very personal, private information like that is something that you mention or reveal to someone once you have been on a few dates with them, once you get the feel of who they are as a person, and they you. You are not obliged to spill it all up front.

As far as the things you mention - like the restaurant and the tube, etc., those things can be easily worked around, without you having to go into full reasons why IMO. Like 'Well actually, I know a nice, quieter restaurant where we can have a good chat', etc.

It is a sad fact - even in the year 2014 - that any mention of mental health, and many people have a ridiculous image of padded cells and straightjackets, when in fact we are just ordinary people with ill health, just like a physical problem, that's all. For that reason, I would take your time to get the feel of someone, and then gently ease in to that conversation, when YOU feel comfortable, and the time is right.

I forgot to say - your mental health problems do not define you as a person. Yes, it is an element, but it is not your personality, your character and all the other things that make you who you are. The right person will see that!

[Rhiannon.]

I agree entirely with debs.

I tried internet dating just over three years ago and left out the part about my severe OCD knowing full well that my odd behavior couldn't stay hidden for long. I met two guys, one didn't work out after the first date, the other we ended up going on a few. I think it was our fourth date that I told him I had quite bad OCD and he took it well.
We're still together now and recently bought our first house

[debs71]

I agree entirely with debs.

I tried internet dating just over three years ago and left out the part about my severe OCD knowing full well that my odd behavior couldn't stay hidden for long. I met two guys, one didn't work out after the first date, the other we ended up going on a few. I think it was our fourth date that I told him I had quite bad OCD and he took it well.
We're still together now and recently bought our first house

Aww. That's lovely.

I also forgot to mention...I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years now. I too never mentioned my mental health problems at all - depression/GAD/panic attacks. He used to get annoyed that I at times was moody or get tearful over stupid stuff. I also had panic attacks with him, but had mastered the art of covering them up and just saying I 'felt a bit hot and faint'.

He never knew at all.

This year, he asked what the meds that I was taking were for, and I told him everything. He said to me 'why did you never tell me this before?' and was shocked and upset, as he said he now understood why I acted the way I did. He wasn't angry, didn't back off, but was more concerned that I had never told him and been suffering in silence.

Ben - I am just mentioning this as, as Rhiannon mentioned, there are people out there who - once you get to know them - you can then feel able to tell them all about everything. You don't have to be pushed to say anything until you feel it is right.

[BenLondon]

Thank you for your replies. It is difficult, I too don't consider it lying, just omitting some information until the right time. I have come to the conclusion that if I elaborate or mention my condition I am pretty much going to be alone.

I wonder whether this is more difficult for men? Although rarely overtly mentioned, there is still an undercurrent of feeling that men should be providers, protectors, ready to deal with anything sort of chaps...my condition diminishes a lot of those attributes.

I did fly through my twenties and early thirties trading off my looks, that as with many is changing with age. I do need to focus on my personality as I guess that will be in question when I reveal my troubles. Too often I have heard people say 'i did not sign up for this' when people change for the worse in a relationship. I guess I don't want this to be directed at me.

I think it would be easier to get to know women via friends etc as you can build on a friendship when they are aware of my condition. Unfortunately online dating is a bit like a candy store with everyone having a list of requirements.

Maybe after a first date, I could let that person know the troubles I have had and hand it over to them...and wait.

I have not had a partner since I became ill (3 plus years) so it would be nice to find someone. I have tried Guardian Soulmates, but am open to other's suggestions.

[debs71]

Thank you for your replies. It is difficult, I too don't consider it lying, just omitting some information until the right time. I have come to the conclusion that if I elaborate or mention my condition I am pretty much going to be alone.

I wonder whether this is more difficult for men? Although rarely overtly mentioned, there is still an undercurrent of feeling that men should be providers, protectors, ready to deal with anything sort of chaps...my condition diminishes a lot of those attributes...

Hi again Ben,

Please don't be disheartened about it. If people get put off by it, that is certainly no reflection on you. It is just one of those knee jerk reactions people make when reading info like that (superficial people who really need to be able to look beneath the surface) but I think that it is more in YOUR best interests to tell them when you feel right to, not because there is anything wrong with you mentioning it or for their benefit.

I do agree with your thinking on the whole perception of men thing. My Dad has had a long history of anxiety and panic attacks and has suffered two nervous breakdowns. He said the exact same thing. He said that for years he felt embarrassed about his conditions, and did not tell anyone - not even close friends - as he felt that they would think it unmasculine or that he was a wimp or something, and should be able to be strong and cope. It breaks my heart that he felt like that, and if any man feels that way, as anyone can get these conditions, and it is no reflection on how manly someone is. I think society's expectations put so much pressure on men when it comes to ill health, especially mental health.

[ladyhawke77]

never give up ben the special lady is out there for you

[BenLondon]

Hi Debs and ladyhawke, thank you for your replies and encouragement. I am making a profile as we speak. I am aiming for one date before Xmas, we will see.

[lily1]

Hi Ben,

The trouble with stating about your anxiety issues on a dating site is people will judge straight away and not get to know you.

Anxiety/panic attacks etc do hold people back in relationships sometimes, my HA and general anxiety has had a huge impact on my marriage.

I think some people have a hard time understanding why we feel like we do or find it hard to cope with it.

My mum has had panic attacks/anxiety most of her adult years andmy dad has stood by here for 49 years of marriage.

There will be someone out there that loves you for youx