Why is it i can sit and think inwards about "it" and whats up with me all day but no thoughts or ideas never come about anything or anyone else? I have to tell myself to think about people i love like my wife and children but i physically cant do it, i do it for a feelw seconds and it physically hurts then my mind pulls me back to me, i say i cant think but if i can think inwards about "me" why cant i be thinking about other things naturally?
I feel like ive exercised my mind so inwards i feel locked away mentally, physically and emotionally, i full like i have nothing to live for or nothing to do for. I feel dead just numb lost lonley & detatched.
Every conversation i have is about me my illness like my minds gone inwards, im having the most horrible physical & mental symptoms i can imagin without not knowing, my breathing is becoming shallower, my body is starting to look out of shape im beginning to look warn out even my work collegues are starting to comment. I dont feel attatched to my thoughts or like i can learn nothing new.
It physically feels like all the back of my head is dead apart from the pain i constantly have in to my kneck.
How can i not naturally think and feel like i use to - why dosnt my brain naturraly produce thoughts & ideas and allow me to keep them and feel them do i do them and enjoy them, why cant i actually think about my family like inuse to and feel aware of my thoughts and feelings, where they are what there doing today. Why does my head feel locked up and i foret things within seconds things ild just be aware just happend or recently happend? Its as if they or it dont
Why cant some one help me get better?
Why do i have to conciously tell myself to think about things and people but cant physically do it!? instead of it just happening freely and normally !!!!!! Its driving mr insane!!!!! I feel stupid, thick, lost, crazy, lonelly.
Sorry for the rant! Todays been anothef horrible painfull lonley day to go with other 10 months solid worth.
Im getting desperate now to feel sorm sort of normality i cant take much more feeling like this. Medication is not helping im starting to lose hope.
---------- Post added at 18:56 ---------- Previous post was at 18:46 ----------
...why when i think different outwards quick when in this state im stuck in it suddenly hurts..(example realised i have to pick my little girl up from gymnastics) it physically hurts sends pain through my body like my nurves are being pulled -
Fed up