OCD

[AndyJ73]

Seasons greetings every one, although im sure a few of you will be like me and feel like it's hard to celebrate.

I signed up to this form about 18 months ago and made a post about my anxiety. I've had ups and downs since then and have been both on tablets and seeing various therapists about the issues I've been suffering.

I first thought I had depression after Xmas 2012 when I just couldn't shake off the blues that I was feeling. This was after a struggle with health anxiety which had lasted for approximately 6 years. I had two serious incidents take place in the summer of 2006, on the night of my 21st I had a one night stand and believed I had contracted HIV, and the second being my uncle had a heart attack during the GNR. The first incident bothered me more than the second. I attended a GUM clinic and was given the all clear, but was told that a blood test would need to be done in 3 months time. As some one who has never dealt well with uncertainty this was the last thing I wanted to hear. In those three
Months I checked every symptom possible, lumps here or there, did I have issues with my weight etc. When the three month checks came I avoided and pretended nothing had happened, all the while living with what I believed was a life sentence.

Two years passed and I eventually went to see my Dr, having become so down with 'having HIV'. He took a blood test and it was negative. Immediate joy came but not relief. The self checking and hyper vigilance meant I was now checking for everything. A headache became a brain tumour, a bang to the leg a blood clot etc.

This continued until Xmas 2012 when a new set of worries took over. Why didn't I feel right? What was the matter with me? Why couldn't I enjoy life. I was diagnosed as having anxiety and elements of depression and placed on Sertraline. The previous health worries I was having were now gone, replaced by the new issues. This continued through 2013 and in to this year. My main issue was being focussed on me and my attention always being on how I was feeling and that I wasn't living in the moment.

I thought this was as bad as it got, until July this year, I read an article about Rolf Harris and Jimmy Saville, where it mentioned the former had been looking for 'young looking girls' on his computer. This immediately shook me to the core, as being a relatively young man, I used to look at online pornography, and it made me think 'well you've looked at teen category, did you specifically look at that for the age?'. I was literally shaking and then I started racking my memories for other events that I could back up my suspicions with. When I was 13 I had a friends brother sitting on my knee and I got an erection. I then started searching for that memory, asking myself 'did you ask him to sit on your knee?', 'did you enjoy it?'. I keep telling myself I was only 13 and I literally have never thought about the incident since and I am nearly 30 now.
This has now lead on to me questioning how I feel when I see children or young people and whether I am attracted to them or not. I have also started asking myself whether I have become a monster without wanting to and that it's now who I am?
I can't even check my facebook or even when I watch programs featuring kids I worry as I feel I have groinal responses.
I even had a thought the other week, where I thought 'you're alone, you could go on your phone and search for stuff you shouldn't be', which is now something I can't begin to think about and can't stop worrying about.
I literally have never had clear OCd tendencies in terms of sexual worries until I read that article and now I can't stop.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[b0yer]

http://www.ocdla.com/obsessionalOCD.html

Pure O. Classic symptoms. Have you been to your therapist? Are you still on your medication?

[AndyJ73]

Hi B0yer, thanks for your reply.

I am no longer on any tablets and have had two sessions with a CBT therapist. My next session is in the new year.

It's hard dealing with this stuff at the best of times but especially at a time like Christmas.

[Jayamashey]

Hi Andy,

I am sorry to hear. Being on this forum is a pretty good sign that you don't like it. Also having a history of anxiety is another tell tale sign. So I would rest in the fact that this is OCD.....as real as it feels or seems.

Dealing with it is similar to anxiety symptoms.... Accept that they are just symptoms and let them be there, just don't fight them. It's uncomfortable but it will go away in time as your mind accepts that they just thoughts and /or sensations. Feeling and thoughts are NOT fact. You have your history of choice and action to prove that, but don't read into the little things like the lap sitting. You didn't plan it or desire it.

Hope this helps.

[AndyJ73]

Hi Andy,

I am sorry to hear. Being on this forum is a pretty good sign that you don't like it. Also having a history of anxiety is another tell tale sign. So I would rest in the fact that this is OCD.....as real as it feels or seems.

Dealing with it is similar to anxiety symptoms.... Accept that they are just symptoms and let them be there, just don't fight them. It's uncomfortable but it will go away in time as your mind accepts that they just thoughts and /or sensations. Feeling and thoughts are NOT fact. You have your history of choice and action to prove that, but don't read into the little things like the lap sitting. You didn't plan it or desire it.

Hope this helps.

Hi Jayamashey. Thanks very much for your reply.
I am attempting to let the thoughts go as you say.
Sometimes acceptance can be difficult. It's accepting that the thoughts were just a part of the anxiety, rather than accepting that they are who I am.
Thanks again.

[Jayamashey]

I fully relate and understand. It's hard to get past that mindset. It's the fear/anxiety that controls it and makes you think it's really you. I have the same issue with Harm OCD, which is opposite to who I am, and it's very difficult to change thinking.

[AndyJ73]

Hi again guys.

Really suffering today again. The urge to look at websites which I don't want to feels like it's overwhelming. And then the guilt of wanting to but not doing it is really stressful.

It's almost as if I'm uncomfortable with it but don't absolutely detest it, and that's what's scaring me.

I've been normal up until July this year and that's the reasoning and comfort I use to reason with myself, but can you become something else at this age? I'm almost certain its OCD but a small part of me keeps saying what if I've become a monster.

Does any one else get urges which feel so real?

[Jayamashey]

Yes, that is part of the OCD lie and the doubt it creates. The more you let it scare you the more it will. Try not to think about it but at the same time don't suppress it. Acknowledge that they thoughts/urges are there but they mean nothing. They are thoughts and feeling but NOT fact or reality. Try to do something to take your mind to something else.

[AndyJ73]

Thanks again for the advice.

I'm usually some one who suffers from Blues and given its days after Christmas I feel prett dreadful then added in this OCD, I'm really finding it hard.

I guess the only hope is that there's light at the end of the tunnel as hard as that can be.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Andy,

Is clear you've got a long history of anxiety and that you have experienced a shift in disorder before because from what I can tell, your HA changed into more GAD because you stopped with the searching & catastrophic thoughts about illness and started to look more at the fact something is just wrong.

Can you identify why that might be? Is it physical symptoms that make you question that?

OCD is very clear too. You were already suffering with GAD and the article (and subsequent obsessing over it) has lead to this form of Pure O as Boyer said. You have reinforced it by analysing and making the classic mistakes of someone with Cognitive Distortions ie you have applied a biased view and ignored the reality.

At 13 a lot of things can be arousing and you may question your sexualitely anyway. You never questioned this until your OCD trigger came so its obvious you are not suitably sexually attracted to children because it wouldn't come out of fat from reading this article anyway and you could have engaged in it before but you know you haven't.

The teen section issue has made you reinforce this but remember all those models are of legal age so making this conclusion is like looking at the granny section and drawing the conclusion you are into necrophilia. Can you see that? (So to grannies everywhere. ..I'm not suggesting all grannies are close to death, merely that they are often the bracket of society most mature)

Avoidance is bad as it will reinforce that there is a problem there. It's understandable though because much of our embedded anxiety comes from how we try to cope with it that is really the opposite of how the mind works.

It's likely you will need to expose yourself to frosts and avoidances to habituate and prove to yourself they are nothing in reality but this makes take time to resolve and having a therapist who understands these sensitive issues all be of great benefit. Remember, this is common in OCD and fully understood these days so don't hold back. Also remember that this is OCD, you don't cognitively wish top do this as you know already but try to recognise the difference between intrusive thoughts from the subconscious and cognitive thoughts from the conscious. A paedophile actively wishes to do this and doesn't feel all the guilt you doand doesn't have all that underlying anxiety either.

Acceptance is hard and I don't believe it's always the way anyway. I was getting nowhere this way with my OCD and it was because the GAD was in the way. So, try it because it works for some but if not, look towards other ways or underlying issues keeping it going.

Stopping your reaction is key to your subconscious stopping this. You also need to understand that intrusive thoughts have been clinically studied and proven to be had by above without an anxiety disorder. In the study they had to show them how to spot then. So, be realistic here because you may nevertheless get rid of everything but what will happen is they become less frequent & intense. I've stopped loads of mine but I still them but they zip straight through without an anxiety or guilt based reaction hence they don't keep firing as much.

Remember, is proven neuroscience that the brain can learn throughout life through neuroplasticity. The reinforcement used this very process to embed this new thinking and it associates neurons more as time goes by. So, it starts to attach feelings, sensations, emotions, etc and pretty soon you have all the extra reinforcing factors such as groinal responses.

You will learn new reactions and that's when this starts to change. When you react to thoughts, your subconscious takes it to me is valid thinking, not correct, just valid. Learning not to react will mean it will stopping firing them because another process silk be fired instead or it won't feel the triggers to send these thoughts anymore.

Look at Mindfulness. Acceptance is one of it's 8 attributes which is good because you may find it easier to pick up the others which will help you in turn pick up the apache acceptance latest as you progress through it. It will teach you to stop reacting and control your thoughts better so you can let them go without reacting and move onto different thoughts or no thoughts at all. Expect this to take time though.

Look for MBCT in the UK which is NICE approved for re occurrent depression but is becoming recommended for anxiety too.