unrealistic expectations with christmas

[nataliewoods88]

Every year i get the same old feelings about how christmas isnt looking the way i wish it did. Every year i dream of fun festive gatherings with friends and busy happy family parties with lots going on and it just never goes like that. Instead i am sat indoors with my boyfriend (who hates going out) or on my own most of the time filled with a feeling of disappointment and anxiety about my ill health. My brother is out with his own friends and my sister who now has a baby is involved in her own family stuff, even my parents have a better social life than me. I wish i was seeing my friends and i wish i was going to a family party but now Christmas eve and day just seem lonely and drawn out. It seems like everyone around me is having a wonderful time except me and i feel like there's something wrong with me. When i was younger our family had a big xmas eve party, there was always excitement and Christmas was such a lovely time and i look bad on those memories and i wish it was back then. Now im 24 i know it won't be exactly the same but i thought id have more friends and more going on. Plus im having really bad anxiety over bowel/stomach issues and im scared i have cancer. Ive been off work for a week nearly and thats not helping. I really loathe Christmas.

[MaxieP]

Hi there, just to say I sympathise with you as I am in a similar situation, though I have no network of friends (I lost what few friends I had a few years ago) or family that I could connect with if I wanted to. I see people who are enjoying themselves and looking forward to spending Christmas with loved ones and can't help but envy them. My anxiety means I face Xmas alone (well, I do have my dogs) and the only way to forget it is to go to bed.

You are still very young, do you know anyone who is understanding who can give you the support you need? Sometimes a sympathetic ear can make all the difference.
I wish you well, remember you're not alone

[fishman65]

Christmas has a habit of doing this to a lot of people. Watch TV adverts and you will see the big supermarket ads showing houses choc-a-bloc with people eating their goods. Of course, the people in these ads are all laughing and smiling,not a care in the world because whichever supermarket is in question,they want to be associated with success and satisfaction.

This pretense of happiness is a huge con that Christmas pulls on us every year and we swallow it every year too. Its not just people like us with mental health issues that struggle with Christmas either. I use a gardener's forum that I'm assuming provides a cross section of the public and there are plenty of members moaning about the very same things we are here. This 'ho ho ho,isn't everyone jolly' presentation doesn't reflect the stories I'm hearing. I hope this helps a little.

[wabbit1]

It is hard. I am now at the stage where I just see it as another day. I've completely lost interest in Christmas now which may seem sad but it helps me cope.

There are a lot of people in the same situation, TV shows make it look like everyone is having a wonderfully exciting time but the reality is completely different.

[SADnomore]

I don't really have a lot of fond memories of big family Christmases, to be honest, and I suspect what I remember lines up with what a lot of people went through as well. Dysfunctional home, drunken adults behaving badly, disappointment with gifts, no one to really play with and two days walking on eggshells. What should have been just a couple of hours with presents and turkey was instead one long drawn-out night Christmas Eve, and one big meal Christmas Day, because my dad couldn't abide our noisy excitement for Christmas morning to come.

When I was about 8, my mother had "decided" we should open our gifts on Christmas Eve and that they would also invite friends over for snacks and drinks then. Their friends never brought children along, and it really would have been much better for we two to have been left with a sitter and Christmas tv shows too! Adults drinking would start in earnest, opening presents of clothes and no toys meant that we kids would have nothing to do and eventually would get into trouble and sent to bed in tears. When we weren't being ignored, we were forced to be the centre of attention, to entertain the visitors. I have hated ever since to be the centre of attention, and lack any sort of confidence in social situations.

Most Christmas Days, my mother worked, and so we would get up to my hungover Dad going through the motions of making Christmas dinner. The house was kept like a tomb all day in deference to him. Mom would come home and we would eat in silence, the meal taking far too long for young children with small appetites, and facing the disappointment of the adults that we couldn't eat more. ... New Years was worse, of course. Once or twice I was invited to stay over at another family's house, and would marvel at the children's freedom, their basement rec room with toys set up, fun and laughter and not being made the centre of unwelcome adult attention. That said, I have to agree that such families are few and far between. For most, there is always that bitter alcoholic uncle or aunt who spoils Christmas dinner unless they are shuttled off. The disappointment of how Daddy and Mommy don't want to play with the new games like the ones in the advert did. The confusion as to why Santa would just leave more clothes, year after year. One game or toy, often unsuitable to age or gender, sometimes received at a Santa party at my mom's workplace. Why was it that our stockings were just filled with the oranges and candies from the coffee table, why couldn't Mom take a few minutes to pick up little lip balms or pretty keychains or pencil toppers like other kids brought to school afterwards? I realize 8-year-old girls are a bit tough to please, but wouldn't a caring parent want to at least give it the effort?

I know my mother loved me, but neither she nor my dad cared about a children's sort of Christmas. It doesn't really matter now. I'm proud to say I managed to make that effort for my children, for most of their early years. And proud to see them doing the same for theirs. It's not perfect, the in-laws have little in common and it can get a little bit strained. But their children are made to feel loved and accepted, and to play and involve the parents in their fun.

We have returned to our northern mining town so that my hubby can work Christmas and New Years Day, and make up the money it cost to get away. I sit here grateful that this is so!

My wish for you all is such "realistic" expectations as safety, enough to eat and a quiet appreciation for a personal meaning of Christmas. Other Christmases will bring us other people to spend them with. Meanwhile, thanks to this forum, we have each other as a family, in a very real sense. Once I grew from a lonely child into a lonely adult, I began to wish for some sort of caring entity for adults, knowing that our pain matters too. It matters here, and I am grateful for this today, too!

Marie

[jcd_gad]

To be honest, i've given up on the christmas tyhing.

with the expecttations people have of a better present, the eating, drinking, and being around people you wouldn't normally socialise with.

I've taken a step back this year, not done or sent any cards.

I've tried to spend more time in the gym and drink far less!

At the end of the day, its just another day.