my parents will die someday, i hate it, have wasted whole life worrying about it

[speak]

i know it's an extremely common form of anxiety or OCD or whatever it is. I'm drained from it. I visit them every day or I regret it all night and fear that one of them will die overnight. My dad is a diabetic alcoholic so it isn't exactly the least likely scenario, though he takes decent care of himself otherwise. For some reason I just feel really sad for them. I think they'd be sad and possibly a little offended that I feel sad about them but it's not in any concrete way I can describe. I've wondered if it's the fact that they're entering their 50s, and that may be part of it, but I've had this problem almost my whole life. My mom is partially aware (I haven't told her how bad it really is) and she theorizes that it stems from when she suffered a pulmonary embolism and was hospitalized for a week. I was 4 and have several memories from before that, but I've completely blocked out that experience and remember nothing. I don't remember my dad taking us down there to visit every day. My mom said I became pretty clingy about her and my family after that and didn't really want to go out and play with other kids. So I'm sure this has a lot to do with it since I'm weeping uncontrollably just remembering that it happened and she almost died, even though i remember nothing at all. Interestingly, my mom has an almost identical background with early parental illness and has issues with fearing the loss of her parents too, though it doesn't seem to go as deep as mine or at least she's never disclosed that it did.

Lately the only way I've been able to cope with it is by reminding myself that once they're not here anymore, I (theoretically*) won't feel so guilty about killing myself. I've also thought about making sure I'm gone before they are but I could never do that to them. There is no option to avoid it. Medication and therapy may accomplish great things in my life but nothing will ever change the fact that my parents will die. There's no way out of it. Die first and break their hearts forever, or go through them dying and then die myself with a broken heart. I'm aware of the impact your attitude has on coping with grief but this goes to a place so far removed from words or meaning.

Emotions relating to it are really hard to control. I'm pretty good at keeping it to myself but if something triggers it, I HAVE to get to a private place fast or I'm going to be alternating between staring at the ceiling and my shoes, and pretending to yawn. Tears will come out.

There is, of course, the awareness that I'm wasting the time I have with them on worrying about when they're going to die. Once it happens, my time with them will be up and I'll remember wasting all this time crying over something that hasn't happened yet.

I'm also very sad about how it's impacted my life. I haven't even been out of town for longer than a week, let alone lived in another city. I didn't really make friends in school; I got along great with kids great at school and connected really well, and there were cool people to talk to who could temporarily make me forget I wasn't at home with my family, but I never tried to spend time with kids outside school. Now I'm 27 and nothing's really changed other than 8 hours of school a day turning into 8 hours of work a day and not living with my parents anymore. I like that I don't live with them anymore but part of me misses living there because I could hear each one snoring lightly and I knew they were ok. They were never strict but I appreciate the freedom of living away from them, as there are things you just don't want to do in your parents' house. But as far as the security, what a g-d headache I thought I'd be over.

Another great feature: I go through these clusters where I'll have a lot of intrusive thoughts about horribly violent things happening to them and it'll keep popping into my head for hours. Actually, I think this is the worst. It's pure torture. I hate violence.

It's made me extremely conflicted: though I'm generally pretty irreverent and easygoing, something inside is so excessively sensitive and lachrymose. It's rare that I'm alone without crying for a few minutes. I feel like an endless well of tears. But I'm so embarrassed about it, I can't stand to tell anyone.

Oh! One more cool thing. I don't want children ever but I used to. When I was a teenager, I couldn't think of anything better than raising a family but I changed my mind around 22 or so. I still don't want children but I'm open to changing my mind. First of all, I sincerely hope my parents make it past my "childbearing years" (that phrase makes me grimace but gets the point across) since it's not terribly long before they're over, and I worry about it all the time. Secondly, and this is huge, my mom really wants grandchildren and honestly couldn't wait until I was older and wiser and and had some kids she could hang out with and spoil. She's really into genealogy and wants to see how a grandchild from my brother or me would look. I understand, I honestly would too, but I'm not sure it's going to happen. I hate so badly to think of how disappointed she was when I began to express that I didn't want kids. She was looking forward to sharing motherhood with me but I just don't want it.
An absolutely horrifying thought occurred to me about a year ago: what if one of my parents died prematurely and it changed my outlook on life enough to where I'd want a child, and the deceased parent never saw the child? The thought is unbearably upsetting to me. I have to just try my absolute hardest not to think about it and hope for the best.
She's told me repeatedly that she's only happy if I'm happy, and she doesn't want me to sacrifice my happiness for hers, but I know for a fact that she feels sad about it. It makes me even sadder to know she's masking it to try not to make me sad.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. This is my first post and I have a lot to talk about in so many other subforums on here, as you may be able to tell. There's more to this, dear god there is way too much more, but I have to work in the morning and I don't want my eyes to be puffy. I just need to rant to someone or something. So thanks.

Sorry for any typos or cutoff sentences, I'm up way too late and seriously need to go to bed, I wrote way too much but I honestly haven't ever told anyone all this in full so I couldn't stop. I've been very depressed this winter about how much time I've wasted on my worries and obsessions and I think part of the problem is I never talk to anyone about them, so I will be opening up.


* I say this like I'd have no one else to live for but I would not want to leave my brother or friends.

[Oosh]

Only have children if YOU want them. Of course it would be great for your parents but your only consideration should be you.

Crying a lot is not so bad. I can't remember the last time I cried. I would welcome feeling more emotional than I do. It's nice that you care about losing your parents. It's a good thing.

I have elderly parents and a close relationship to my mum and have worried about losing them too. The perspective I've adopted is that our parents put a lot into us when we are growing up. They're the strong ones and we need looking after. That relationship is destined to reverse and the biggest gift you can give them and feel good about is to be there when they need you like they were there for us when we needed them. As hard and scary as that might be it is a perspective that leaves you with purpose and a way to express how positively you feel towards them.
It will also enable you to feel a lot better about yourself, knowing how you felt and what you gave.

Violent images, yeh I get those. If you were walking down the street and saw a stick you wouldn't pick it up and hit yourself over the head with it so don't focus on the violent, hurtful images/movies that occasionally flash across your mind.
Don't examine how shocking they are and get upset. Picture doing lovely things for your folks instead. Picture giving and how positive a thing that is.
Feel good about the world ! It's not all bad. Focus on the good. What might those good thing be ? Get into the habit of focusing on the good and on things that leave in a brighter more confident state. You can. I do.

Having children of your own might be a good way to keep that positive cycle going. Have children. Put everything into them. Grow old and feel them hopefully giving that back in the way you did to your parents as they got older.
Gives your life meaning and gives you an empowering way to see things.

You have to look for these more useful ways to see things or you just remain at the mercy of them. It's a good habit to develop. It's a lot less painful a habit than focusing on what scares and hurts you.