Hi everyone, so I'm new here and I just thought it would be a good idea to share my anxiety problems with people who understand and also help me write these feelings down. So, I suffer with anxiety. Lately it has been really really reallyyyyy bad. I'm not exactly sure where to start with this story because well, it's a bit of a mess and my head is literally on another planet right now. Basically, one of the things I get EXTREMELY anxious about is my health.. And medicine... Now these things are the worst possible combination because (as my mind is so crazy) although I have a dreaded fear of all diseases, illnesses or anything that could possibly harm my body, I also have the same dreaded fear of taking medicine, (just one of many of my irrational fears) literally, taking any form of medication I find impossible, I think it's because I read every single detail of the instructions and the side effects or possible allergic reactions over and over again and convince myself I will have a terrible reaction if I take the medicine, and tablets.. I cannot take tablets at all, like I have never swallowed a tablet ever, I just physically cannot swallow them and they freak me out so much... So yeah I think you get the idea of how much of an overthinker/scared of everything person I am. Anyway, so about a month ago I noticed a slight yellow/white coating on my tongue.. I also noticed it was a bit like that about a year ago but thought nothing of it, but this time I wondered what it was and it annoyed me, then I started feeling like my throat was really tight, as if someone had wrapped their hand around my neck and was trying to suffocate me, it was really uncomfortable and scary so i made my mum bring me to the doctor, he said to me that it was oral thrush and prescribed me with a gel to put on it 4 times a day, when I got home and my mum gave me the gel I freaked out and told her that I was too scared to take it, obviously she thought I was crazy.. But I refused to take it. And for about a week I put up with this constant feeling of suffocation simply because I was too scared to take the medicine! My mum decided to go and see the doctor again because my anxiety was so bad, of course what did he do, prescribe me with anxiety medicine! Ha, how ironic. But anyway, that same day while we were in hospital seeing the doctor, I decided I would take the medicine for my oral thrush in the car park... That way if something terrible happened, well at least I'm at the hospital! Yes that is how my brain works and I am insane... Hopefully someone with anxiety understands how I feel? So I took this gel on my tongue 4 times a day, for a week and the thrush has still not gone... Then one night my throat is feeling particularly bad and I googled about oral thrush and found something that said how oral thrush could spread to your oesophagus and that it was very dangerous (something along those lines) so I freaked out, this was at four in the morning.. And woke up my mum and made her bring me to the hospital, the doctor said my throat was fine and bla bla whatever. So Ive been having this feeling that my throat is literally closing over and the doctor and my mum and everyone is saying its my anxiety. Now this is driving me insane because, I have had anxiety for a LONG time and I know fine rightly how it effects me and when you get shortness of breathe and alllll of that lovely stuff. This feeling however is not my anxiety. I literally feel like I can't breathe, I can't even swallow properly, I can't remember the last time I had meat or a decent meal. So yeah, fast forward to this present day I am STILL taking this stupid gel. Which is sort of starting to clear up my tongue I guess, but it's my throat that's really bothering me. I Feel like nobody is taking me seriously and I'm like the boy that cried wolf. I've complained so many times because of the same symptoms due to anxiety but now that I think there's something ACTUALLY wrong with me everyone is passing it off as anxiety? I know you're probably thinking I should believe the doctor but in all seriousness my doctor is really stupid and I don't really trust him.. He only looked in my mouth, how am I supposed to know what's going on in my throat?
But anyway.. I guess what I'm trying to say with this blog post is, I'm an anxious wreck and also feel like I'm suffocating and there's nothing I can do because nobody believes me... My mum doesn't understand why I won't take my anxiety medicine but you know what.. Neither do I. I'm just insane. That's the only thing I know, I don't know why I have these stupid fears but they are just destroying me. I'm scared of everything. I don't want to be like this, I'm making it so hard for everyone else too, my family. They want to help, but they don't know what to do. How could you... I feel so selfish. But I just want to be normal. I don't know where I'm going with this and it's probably made no sense nor is it in any order. I just needed to get this out of me..
If anyone has any advice please leave it below, or if you suffer from anxiety too please leave a comment, if you even got this far... I didn't even get to say all of the things I wanted to but this is way too long already.
Thank you for reading, hope your having a wonderful day. Peace and love, tara x
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