I am in the grips of another spiral of anxiety and i am not coping very well. I have been with my other half for over six years and I love him so much it physically hurts to think about not being with him anymore - i don't know what I would do or how I would cope.
About four years ago I was a bit overly flirty with an old friend at a family party (a friend noted that he was clearly being overly huggy and we ended up crashing in the same bed (in the same room as another friend though) and at the time I realised it would be bad to see him again and I haven't spoken to or seen him since. About three years ago I had really bad anxiety about contracting HIV and starting raking through all my past encounters but that party never crossed my mind.
The other day this guy came up in conversation randomly when my friend mentioned him hitting on me and I suddenly had an awful thought that maybe we'd ended up kissing or doing even more and I just can't remember it - and that it will come out and my boyfriend will leave me etc etc. I know that I remember the whole evening pretty much and that if this had really happened (at my house at a family party I might add) that I would definitely have memories of this and that probably other people would have known and brought it up as well, but I can't stop obsessing over it.
I ended up talking to my boyfriend about it and he was basically like - it was four years ago, you know it didn't happen and you wouldn't suddenly just be remembering extra details now but I was still quite upset about it and not 100% sure so I've been laying in bed thinking about it.
Whilst thinking about it I was going through previous sexual encounters before I met my boyfriend - one particular one which I would definitely classify as a mistake. Once (this was six and a half years ago) I got very drunk and we had sex at a party and I remember someone walking in and then walking back out again - I've now started thinking that maybe that person didn't walk back out and actually filmed us and they'll post the video on social media (6.5 years later) and my boyfriend will leave me - my family and my boyfriend's family will be ashamed of me etc etc.
I know we all make mistakes and I'm very aware that i acted immaturely and I'm ashamed of my seventeen year old self but i just can't stop feeling wracked with guilt and like somehow this is all going to come back to haunt me and ruin my life.
Can anybody help?
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