Anxiety is quite possibly the most deliberating thing I've ever had to deal with, I've always been slightly anxious and stressed easily but it got progressively worse when I lost one of my friends suddenly at 23 in a car accident, in 2009. It shook me up, made me realise just how fragile life is and after that I've had problems with keeping my anxiety levels down.
Around four years ago I started to get a burning sensation around my right shoulder blade, it was particularly bad if I'd have a bad day or did anything overly strenuous. I put it down to a pulled muscle or something but it got progressively worse to the point that I feel it every day now. It's also spread to the other side of my back and feels almost like a cramping sensation like my joints are constantly knotted together, I also have pains occasionally around my sternum in the middle of my chest and along the bottom of my right ribs. I also occasionally get a tight sensation like a band is wrapped round the bottom of my rib cage.
Just before Christmas 2014 I developed quite a nasty chest infection which left me with no energy, I was practically bed bound for 10 days and eventually I got better with the help of anti-biotics prescribed by my GP. Shorty after my chest infection got better I noticed that I had digestive problems, it started with the feeling of being constantly hungry, even after I'd eat a meal.. My stomach churned loudly and I can only describe the feeling as if my stomach was eating away at itself, I also had severe nausea, bloating, and flatulence. After a week of these symptoms I went back to my GP and he thought it was just a case of bad indegestion and gave me a proton pump inhibitor called Lanzoprazole, during the first week of taking them I noticed my anxiety was increasing. (Hot & cold sweats, inability to sleep, constant worry, stress). It got that bad that on the 7th January I was convinced I was dying and went to A&E at my local hospital. When there a doctor examined me and told me my symptoms sounded like I had Cholecystitis (Inflammed Gallbladder) I had bloods taken, an IV line inserted into my hand and was admitted to a ward. 6 hours later a surgeon came to speak to me and informed me my bloods had come back with no serious abnormalities and only a slight increase in WCC (White cell count) and it was nothing to worry about, he was happy to send me home.
I was told to return to the hospital the next afternoon for an ultrasound scan on my gallbladder, liver, kidneys and spleen. All came back normal. No gallstones / kidney stones found, and no inflammation. I was sent home with two lots of anti-biotics aswell as buscopan to take for 5 days.
I noticed that my stomach problems have since slightly improved but now my GP thinks I may have MS symptoms and on Friday (23rd Jan '15) I was sent for an MRI scan of my brain and thoracic spine, when I turned up to the hospital I was a nervous wreck, I was put in the MRI machine and within 60 seconds I was hyperventilating and screaming to get out. Luckily the technician was lovely and got me out in no time.
I've now got another booked in for the 5th February and been told to get a dose of Diazapam from my GP beforehand to help with my nervousness but I'm pretty much already convinced I won't be able to go through with it even with the sedative.
This brings me up to where I am now, 3.05am lying awake in bed for the 5th night in a row worrying about the MRI, worrying about the outcome of the test, Worried that there's something wrong.
Any illness I get, my mind tells me it's something serious and then in turn I start looking up symptoms online which I know is never a good thing, I start convincing myself I've got cancer or some other life threatening disease. Then the vicious circle comes round again and I start regretting that I haven't had any children yet and that I've not done a great deal with my life and it triggers an attack.. It's almost like I give myself a death sentence without even getting a diagnosis. It's awful.
My GP tried to put my mind at rest and told me that the likelihood of my back problems being something life threatening is so slim because I've had it for so long, for some reason I don't believe him, like nothing will convince me, that's why in a way I disparately need to get through this MRI, I need answers, even if the answers could potentially scare the hell outta me. I think the unknowing is worse..
I wish I could just switch off and enjoy my life again but recently I can't seem to do that, things I used too enjoy now give me no pleasure and I find it a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning.
This is now greatly effecting all aspects of my life, I've become distant with my friends and family, my relationship with my partner is strained, I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm losing weight. I don't know where to turn or what to do.
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