[?]Hi all
I dont know were to start really, I guess I will start from what Ive just done. I'm recovering from an overdose of 180mg diazapan,23 sleepers and a drug called seriquil. I was found by my husband with a weekened heart, 999, resuss 3 times and interbated for 5 days.
This has been the biggest suicide attempt I have done, will it ever stop , I really don't know.
Brief outline of my life, loveless evil mother loving father.
Feelings of withdrawal lack of self estem and certainly no confidence, very sad lonely and unhappy child.Anoreria, Thoughts of suicide running away and putting myself into hospital for no reason to get away from the horrid people in my life.
Abused by family friend fro 9-14yrs. Course he picked on the weekest and threatened me. I was week and powerless.
left home at 16yrs to escape both issues.
Pregnant at 17yrs old but very happy wanted something to love and feel love back. my daughter is now 20yrs old.
Partner was a beater so left when daughter was 2yrs. He never wanted to see her again.
Stayed on my own, because I wanted to protect my daughter from abuse so was completely rapping her in cotton wool, no one was going to put her through the feelings I have suffered all my life.
My dearest father was diganosed with cancer 1995, I feel apart again.
unfortunately I meet a guy who at the time I thought was really ok, good to me and my daughter. He was a father so I assumed he had parenting skills. I judged him alot and allowed him into my daughters life because I was so protective.
My father died Feb 1996, really went to pieces and couldnt cope. The one person in the world that I knew loved me.
My daughter started to withdraw and struggled with her life, everyone put it down to her grandfathers death.
Eventually 12 months later my daughter took an overdose and was taken to hospital, I then discovered she had lost so much weight, layers of clothing helped to hide it . My daughter weighed 6 stone. Whilst in the hospital she lost another stone and was taken up country to an eating disorders unit. Five years later she came out after a very trumatic time trying to keep her alive, heart failure etc etc etc. Her lowest weight was 4 stone.
During the first year she was there I left my partner, he wasnt the person I thought he was, after 6 weeks I had to go back because the consultant looking after my daughter said if she found out she would blame her self and I could end up lossing her.
I hated every minute in his company.
When my daughter was well enough to cope I told her we were leaving, my god she couldnt pack her stuff fast enough.
We finally settled into a nice place together and start again.
Since my daughter was born I made sure no one would touch my daughter. August this year I found out that whilst my daughter was greiving her grandfather she was also enduring sexual abuse from my partner. Being abused myself, working with abused children and families I thought I would pick up the signs, why why why didnt I see it.
My daughter has gone to the police and he has been arrested, released on bail, in the mean time I have attacked him and caused damage to his property.
Since october I have been an informal patient at our local nut house for treatment. I feel dead I have no life left in me , my abuse has come back, Im full of anger and rage that I cannot let go of, very very low self estem and no confidence, wanting no one around me. Anorexia and sever self harm has taken its toll on my body and I cannot stop. The self harm is getting out of control and if Im not careful I will be sectioned.
How much more can one person take in there lives, do I really want it any more. I really dont know the answer to that. This is my first home visit since the overdose and it feels weird.
Even though I didnt know what was happening to my daughter I feel to blame and guilt, if only.
I have been diagnosed with post trumatic stress and borderline personality disorder, to me thats simply a fruit cake, a mad woman.
The drugs Im currently taking shuts my body and brain down, I have
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