WILL I GET THROUGH THIS ALIVE?

[Bill]

After reading your story that would test anyone to the limit, I can only admire your strength and courage. My heart goes out to you.

I'm not sure that there are any words that could possibly console you after all the terrible things you've suffered so I feel I can only do one thing which is to send you "hugs".

I have been through a few things which led me to self harm and take overdoses because I could see no future until I realised that not everyone is the same and that things can improve.

In the time I've been here I have discovered that there are So many people on here who have Huge hearts and So much love and comfort to give, and yet just like yourself, they feel "ugly" which is So sad.

You will meet some Lovely people here and they will welcome you with open arms asking for nothing in return.

I sincerely hope that you have reached the bottom as I once did, but from now on with support from people on here, it's time for only love, comfort and happiness to come into your life because no one could deserve those things more.

[sarajane]

Hi Smudgie,

I'm Sarajane and all my love and support comes to you from little ol' me all the way over in Australia.

PLEASE. . . Listen to what everyone else has said please.

Bill also mentioned about hitting rock bottom, well I believe you have now reached this place, and we are all here to offer you our hands of support to pull you out OK.

This is a new day and a brand new start for you today.

You have been very brave to open up to us all, it shows me that you are reaching out for help, well we are all here to help you on your new journey to health and inner contentment.

Please, please, please never attempt suicide again please. My eldest sister killed herself over 20 years ago when her children were only, 6yrs, 9yrs and 12yrs old. I understand now why she did it, she wasn't in any state of mind to think about anyone else at the time, all she thought about was ending the pain she was in, but the devastation she has left behind, that is still going on even today with her children is devastating. If she only knew how her suicide would be affecting everyone 20 years later, I know she would still be with us today. Lynnann lost her mum when she was nine years old and like she says, the ones you leave behind never recover.

When your father died your daughter was only eight years old, I think her problems may have started due to her young age and not knowing how to help you, she could see you were devastated with his death and not coping, but she didn't know how to fix you.

Twelve months is a very long time for an eight year old to be living with a parent who isn't coping, and in her mind you 'should have been looking after her'. To her, and all children by the way, we as parents are supposed to be at their beck and call 24/7 even if we are on our death beds. The world is supposed to revolve around them in their minds. So for her to take the overdose and to have lost all this weight was just her way of saying, "Hey mum, I'm here and I need you".

Now you can't blame yourself today, for what happened back then, when you weren't available to your daughter, or wish you had been the mum she would have liked you to be.

The past is the past! It's gone, we can't change that now, OK.

What we can to do now though, is change the future and show your daughter that you can get well and slowly over time become the mum she wished you were all those years ago. You have to be strong and get well then your daughter will start to respond to you in more positive ways as she sees you become her mum again, the one she remembers from when she was 8 years old.

Your daughter knows by having a relationship with her father this is hurting you, this is why she is doing it, to get your attention and to also try to make you fight for her.

Remember when we were young and did everything we could that we were told not to do, because we wanted the control over our parents plus it's the kids job to push, and push and push the limits. But it's our job as parents to accept everything about them - good and bad - and love them regardless.

Maybe if you can accept that your daughter is seeing her father and try to be happy for her, it will be hard, but he is her father and because she has contact with him it doesn't mean that you have to see him, plus because she now has love for her father doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.

Your daughter loves you more than you realize, because if she didn't none of the things that have happened in both your pasts would have even happened. You know the saying 'We always hurt the one's we love'. Well it's true, because no one even bothers wasting their energy on people that don't give a toss about. . .right!

We have to move on from the past, put it into the filing cabinet where it belongs, "PAST".

We are moving onto a new strong healthy you, the one you remember was there years ago, well she's still in there, you just have to move the 'PAST' filing cabinet aside, and let her get out.

I want you to type out loads of positive affirmations, like -

'All is well in my world',

'I am getting stronger every day',

'I love and accept myself',

'I create positive change'.

I want you to place these on every wall in your house, on your fridge, in the toilet and any other place that you can find.

I have mine all around my TV cabinet so whenever I'm watching TV, I'm also reinforcing these positive messages into my brain. I also painted a blackboard on the back of the toilet door, so every day I put a new affirmation up so we all can benefit.

We have to have hope, and you do remember life before all of this started, and how nice things brought joy into your life, so now we will get you strong and onto this new path in life. It wont be long and you and your daughter will become stronger and closer than you've ever imagined.

Love
Sarajane

[smudgie]

Hi

Thank you for taking the time to write. Im lost for words really, firstly Bill thank you for your kindness of soft words and encouragement, yes my life has been hell and its very hard. I feel Im in the middle of a huge lake treading water but can never reach that bank and walk away.

My daughter has decided to leave my life, which she decided last October. we have had no contact since, Ive tried to but she won't have it.

I just wait and give her the time and perhaps one day she will come back, I cant force her and I won't its not right. I just let her know eah week I'm here and always will be.

PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, people don't realise how damaging this illness is. It's not depression or feeling sorry for yourself it's actually a Mental health illness that will stay with you all your life, especially the BPD.

making someone feel guilty and asking them not to hurt them selves and others is very damaging and can cause the person to harm more because you create guilt.The illness is very complex and has to be treated with drugs to keep the person alive, i have to have carers everyday. What people don't understand when you have this condition is that you are not in control you don't actually know you are doing what you are doing until after.

I disocciate, a term which means your brain shuts down and within that time you are capiable of doing anything. you get mad frenzy attacks that create a multitude of problems.
Your dosed up to the eye balls with drugs, I have to take 8 types of drugs a day, whih is given to me daily, I'm not allowed to have control, so you see it's not that easy.

if I could change my life I would and I'm trying to beat this illness that has been created because of life truma. I really don't want to be BPD.

You get all the support in the world, if you have a good team looking after you, because the illnesss is so damaging.

It's not the past I'm struggling with it's the illness th\t I'm left with now.
yes I see the past everyday but I can't feel it beause of the drugs.

Take care
ness

[Bill]

Sometimes these say more than words can ever offer. Sometimes comfort can only be felt in one way. Sometimes these are what we need most to feel better.

So instead of sending words, I'll simply send these to show that there are people who Do empathise and care about others so never feel alone..................

[Karen]

Sending you lots of hugs Ness

I really feel for what you are going through. My situation is very different in any ways but also similar in some - the self harm, the anorexia, the hospital admissions and threats of section. I feel very powerless at times because they always hold the 'trump card' - the threat of section and I feel I have no say over how to live my life.

Anyway, I hope you are safe today. I hope you find some peace and know that we are with you.

Karen xx

[smudgie]

Hi

Thank you all for your replies.

karen its lovely to hear from you again and bill thank you.

Karen your so right about the trump card, it's waved in your face everytime you say the wrong thing, I'm sure the door to the room at the unit has my name on it just in case.
it makes you feel your not trusted.

I'm safe at the moment and glad I plucked the courage up to come back.
Take care
nessxxx

[Bill]

Hello Ness,

I just wanted to say one thing...............

I'm Glad you're Safe because people on here like me and Karen value and care about you so please never feel alone because we're thinking of you! Sending you more............

[smudgie]

Hi

Today Ive sat and thought about what has really happened to me, tears rolling down my face and thinking what the hell are you doing.
Life isnt getting any better for me, I take so much meds its stupid and what for nothing is changing. I still feel the same pain, PAIN and more pain, you go beyond having your heart broken and there isnt words that express what it actually feels like.

Sorry Im just feeling sorry for my self , CPN tomorrow and I know I will give her what for, 3 missed appointments in a row and I get told I must not miss apts, she dosnt turn up, my hubby phones her and shes too busy to see me, ring the emergency number if you need help with her.
THANK YOU.

They keep you in tow by saying if you dont do as your ask you will be remitted, so you stick two fingers up and selfharm, not sure if its like playing a game really. Ive seemed to have got in to a hole but thats been my life really, its all I know.

My hubby tries so hard with me , he says about the "adult,parent, child " thing. That I respond as a child because thats the way I dealt with issues in the past, I can say he is right, Ive thought about it and react by throwing the rattle out the pram but how do you change.

Gosh, Im sorry Im going on and on.

thank you everyone for your mail, Im glad Im back.
xxxxxxx

[Bill]

I'm glad you're back too!

When we feel in so much pain, when life feels full of hurt, is it then not normal to want help to heal us to take all our pain away?

If we suffer a physical illness or have a fall so we're in pain, don't we cry out for attention then too?

When we suffer physical pain, it can reduce us to tears because the pain can feel so unbearable so then why shouldn't we feel the same with mental pain alone?

So what's the difference? Why shouldn't we throw the rattle out because we want to feel better?

Just because the pain is hidden in our minds, it doesn't mean that the pain can feel any less.

When we need a doctor to heal us, they are there so why shouldn't we gat annoyed when a cpn lets us down 3 times in a row?

If a cpn can't get out to see my wife, they can find someone to cover. We shouldn't have to push but I feel if we don't cry out for help then they don't treat us as a priority. The old saying, he who shouts loudest gets heard. I think they have such a lack of resources that they often visit who they feel is a priority even when others need help just as much.

I would ring the emergency number and keep ringing the number to be such a nuisance that they Have to do something to help. That's what I used to do for myself when I was ill and before that for my wife when I couldn't cope. We shouldn't have to but I find it works.

This doesn't just apply to mental problems. I know someone with influence who told me they know of a carer who has "everything" they need to support them and they added, it's because they made themselves a pain in the butt to the authorities!

I know sometimes an individual cpn can simply be overworked or called out to emergencies but I hope you Do give those in charge "what for" because No one in pain, whether physical OR mental should be allowed to suffer!!!

If we push for help in the "right" way, i.e. shouting for support, that shows we're "low risk" then I can't see how they can use the threat of sectioning. You just need to keep crying out for the support you're entitled to that you need to keep well. I would and I'd willingly push them For you!

You'll always have our love and support. xxx

[HelenS]

What a brave and strong lady you are!!! you are your daughters rock as she was yours, and still is...

I have to go doctors now, but i shall reply again to your letter...

Take note, people do care, and YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!

See you soon HelenS

Ps, my msn messenger is if you ever want to chat...