LIFE IS BAD TODAY

[smudgie]

HI ALL
ID LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR THE , SUPPORT AND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT YOU HAVE ALL OFFERED ME. I HAVE CERTAINLY FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE TO AIR WHO I FEEL. I FELT SO ALONE AT THE MOMENT, BECAUSE I FEEL IM THE ONLY ONE.

I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH PTSD AND NOW QUESTIONS ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, WHICH MATERIALISES FROM PTSD. IM AFRAID , I CANT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS AND GET OUT OF CONTROL.
THREE DAYS AGO I TOOK A CHEESE GRATER TO MY FACE AND DID SERIOUS DAMAGE BECAUSE IM SO UGLY AND WANT TO GET RID OF THE UGLY FACE AND GIVE CAUSE FOR PEOPLE TO BELEIVE IM UGLY.

IM BACK ON LAXATIVES AND EATING NOTHING.IT JUST GOES ON AND ON.
HOW LONG I WILL STAY AT HOME I DONT KNOW, I GUESS IT WILL BE WHEN I SEE THE CONSULTANT AND END UP BACK IN THE NUT HOUSE AGAIN.

THERE IS MORE TO THE SITUATION ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND I BUT IM FINDING THAT HARD TO SAY, I HAVE SOME DOUBTS ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS SAID DUE TO INCONSISTANT STORIES, WHICH IS HURTING ME LIKE MAD. ALSO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER REAL DAD HAS BEEN GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK AND SHE TREATS HIM BETTER THAN ME.
MY DAUGHTER HAS HIGH ATTENTION DISORDER FROM THE ANOREXIA SO LIFE IS HARD BECAUSE I DONT BELEIVE HALF OF WHAT SHE SAYS, LIKE I WENT TO INDIA IN MARCH, 4 DAYS IN TO THE TRIP I PHONED HER AND SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD CANCER, I PANIC AND CAME HOME, IT WAS A LIE.
I WATCHED HER ATTEMPT SUICIDE 3 TIMES AND STARVING HERSELF TO DEATH BUT I NEVER TURNED MY BACK.

IM VERY PLEASED I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT TOO WITHOUT FEELING JUDGE OR QUESTIONED.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL WELCOME.

I THOUGHT ONCE I WAS STRONG BUT THE FIGHT HAS GONE IN ME.

TAKE CARE ALL AND THANK YOU
SMUDGIE


ness

ness

[Lynnann]

Hi Ness,

Some days are so hard they seem unbearable, but tomorrow is a bright new day!

I have PTSD amongst other things, it tends to come bundled with other things. I hope that you are recieving treatment.

Harming yourself however is not the answer, you need to eat and take care of yourself, otherwise it will be impossible to cope with the things that you have ahead of you.

I am sure you are not ugly, that is only a perception that is created by the verbal abuse that has been heaped upon you, I know this as I have also been a victim of this.

As to the situation with your daughter, I am sure it is more complex than you can discribe in one post. I hope that things can be resolved between you, does your daughter know your personal history?

I find that it is difficult to describe the things that have happened to me over the years. inconsistencies happen, partly because your mind is trying to block the painful memories and they sometimes become distorted and sometimes due to trust issues.

I am sure that you and your daughter can work on your relationship, although it will be difficult, the end result will be worth it. I believe the incident in India was a cry for help and shows her great need of you. My mother did something similar to my father not long before she died.

Although she might not show it at the moment the fact that you have never turned your back on her will come to have meaning. It is the only reason that I talk to my father now!

As to her relationship with her father, he is her father and someone completely unrelated to the things that have happened therefore leaving him as an avenue of normality. Something which we all crave!

As to you being strong, I believe you are a strong, brave woman, you just need to start believing that yourself. Something I know is very hard at times.

Hugs to you

Lynnann