Hello all. I've been reading these forums as reference for a while. They are off great use. I've been on/off for a year now with my anxiety. Recently it's gotten worse. I just want to write this out. See if it feels any better.
A little about me. I'm in my late 20s. I'm a student abroad and I live with my partner. I've been abroad for work and study for many years now.
Things have been going so fantastic in my life. I found the women of my dreams. I've been offered a pretty fantastic job and am soon to graduate.
The last year though has been a mixture of real highs, but real lows.
It began last January when I started to get a trembling in my leg, then a weird feeling of head pressure. I made the mistake of Googling these symptoms and instantly freaked out over a period of weeks before finally working up the courage to see a neurologist.
Now, where we live has excellent healthcare and I was able to see one right away. He did some tests, nerve conduction and found a small abnormality that led to an MRI which came back fine. He said what I had was probably likely to anxiety. GAD diagnosis confirmed.
He offered me meds but I refused. Instead I opted to see a counsellor through and that helped a lot. Needless to say, I got on with work but the anxiety and Googling came back over the course of last year and full force earlier this year. Damn bad habits!
I think it's turned more into a form of OCD. Where I constantly check my body at the slightest twinge or feeling. Some examples:
- Lumps on my head? Were they there before?
- What are those marks on my nails?
- Is that a spot on my tongue?
- What is that rash on my groin? Why does it burn when I pee?
- Head pressure -- what is that? Why is it on one side? Why do I only feel it when stressed? Why? Why? Why?
- Why all this tingling? AHHHHHH!!!!
You get the picture, know the drill. Down the panic hole you go.
I've been to the hospitals three times this week. Six times this month alone.
Earlier this week I'd been to the dermatologist about spots on my pinky nails. They said it was nothing, photographed it, noticed some a few petechiae spots on my chest, photo'd that as well but said it's nothing to be concerned about.
I decided to then to a mole check at home. Not the best idea. I found a yellow/brown rash on my groin. PANiC. I thought it was an infection, a blood clot or worse. Because I know thi my knowledge acquired via Dr Google. So I rushed back to the hospital derm who had a look and said it's normal, just a fungal rash from rubbing of the legs and humidity here.
This evening's panic attack was the worst.
Fast forward to tonight when my heart rate goes to 132 BPM... It didn't help that in the movie we were seeing Kingsman, the villain Samuel L Jackson was discussing with a cohort about spreading a disease. "A virus kills the host, or the host kills the virus". Off course Sam wasn't referring to me, but this started to freak me out
I tell my partner. She says to relax. But I know better. I feel like I'm going to drop dead. I cry on the street. I've cried so much this year already. I feel like I'm at breaking point. I think I'm going to die from various diseases and symptoms I've discovered online.
We rush to the nearest hospital. She stays neutral, steadfast, like a rock against my flowing tide of anxiety. The doctors check my heart, blood pressure, do a urine test. All fine. Except for my blood pressure, but that goes well high when I'm anxious -- especially in a hospital (damn white coat hypertension!). I monitor it at home every second day and it's at the healthy levels.
Turns out the rapid heart beat was due to my anxiety and downing a full large Pepsi. The doc checked other things. Said I was ok. Even my nails and head pressure. He said anxiety can cause the most bizarre symptoms. I know this. But the anxiety tells me it's not it, it's something more sinister.......
Anyway he gave me a sedative, Lorezepam 0.5mg to take twice daily should I choose to. I'm unsure.
I had CBT in my early 20s, that helped a tonne, but where I am, I have yet to find an apt CBT specialist. My previous therapist, now a good friend, was staunchly against medicine. And my partner said she suffered some memory problems from it when she had depression. I'm not sure if I should take it.
Also, A grandparent recently passed away due to complications with his blood and heart. He was always healthy, lived a good life. And another relative who had a heart attack last year, was put in hospital this week with an infection, but all was well. These incidents have made me particularly worried as well.
I do meditation (20 mins) when anxiety flares up. Usually this calms me down. Breathing helps. YouTube videos by a fella named Mark Freeman hlped a lot.
But now, I'm running out of options and might just have to take the damn pills
I'm about a month away from graduating and beginning a new job. But I'm even beginning to question that now. I'm obsessing over my relationship, future, life, health, everything.
I guess where I live, I can only read and speak a little of the language and live in a part of the city that has few other students/expats. Can feel quite isolated at times. My partner works late.
So I'm home a lot. And have a tendency to Google everything. Couple that with my highly creative imagination and it's not the best of mixes when you've got what I've got.
I've lived an excellent life thus far, but recently I can't help but worry about my health or past mistakes and future choices. Obsession is a block on all my life. I feel like I can't feel sometimes...and it's killing my relationship and passion.
When I panic, I feel like I'm going to die. I told my partner I don't want to die.
I'm quite healthy, can run 5k, need to lose some weight though...
Anyway -- I just had to get this out there. Feels good to write it all out. I think I've got it bad right now. So Hi. I'm vivarecoveria and am prone to bad habits that create a vicious circle of compulsion, anxiety and suffering. i'm posting now, because, I think I need to connect and share.
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