Transference (or: Feelings for Your Therapist)

[WalkingWithSpiders]

Has anyone on here experienced transference, the sort where you develop feelings for your therapist? I know it can be a totally normal thing--I mean, you're in there sharing your darkest feelings, and this person is listening to you and accepting you. So it makes sense that some sort of connection would develop. Especially if that therapist is the type that tends to talk about their personal experiences with you.

So if anyone here has experienced that, how did/do you deal with it? Did you end up discussing it with the therapist at all? Just trying to figure out how best to handle it...

[frenchbean]

hiya - I would say share the feelings with your therapist if you feel able to do so. Some forms of therapy actively encourage exploring transference and countertransference as they contain really important information about the client and how they relate to people generally.

[Tessar]

I have definitely experienced transference, WWS.
First with my therapis many years ago and more recenlty with my counsellor.
You are absolutely right that it really is normal thing. How would you able able to share those dark feelings with a person you didnt feel this way about? I believe it to be indicative that the relationship you have with your therapist is a good one in the therapuetic sense. I dont know about you but the feelings I experienced at finally being heard and feeling accepted meant the world to me. Such a relief & quite overwhelming in fact. The connection you speak of is crucial for therapy to be a success. Without that connection I dont believe it would be possible to feel totally comfortable about revealing your deepest thoughts and feelings.
Something I am curious about, is where you mention the therapist being the type that tends to talk about their personal experiences with you. Is that what your therapist does (if you dont my me asking)?
What you decide to do about this is entirely up to you.
In some respects, where you are at is an important part of therapy. You have the choice to reveal your feelings/thoughts or not. Therapists are trained to deal with situations such as this & indeed as human beings they too get feelings and thoughts of a similar nature I am sure. Therapists also have supervisors, people they talk to reguarly who they can resolve their own issues with. That might include transference they experience in sessions too. But if you feel you'd like to discuss this with them by all means do. It can actually serve as a good topic for discussion as it raises thoughts & feelings no doubt related to the issues you are there to deal with.
For me certainly transference what a huge issue. Out of interest, many years back when I saw my therapist I told her I was totally in awe of her. I felt that was me paying her a big compliment which I expected I'd be praised for. I was rather taken abak when she said that made her feel uncomfortable. But you see, the way I had been brought up, I wasnt very self confident & my people skills werent that great. So I had gone about it the right way. I suppose what I was trying to say to her was I do admire her .... but of course the sessions I was in included me and I was the one doing the hard work between sessions. So in fact, I had just as much a part to play in the sessions too. I just couldnt see that or recognise my importance in it all.
More recently, I remember I made my counsellor feel uncomfortable because I mentioned how I hold her in high esteem & she was up on an imaginery pedestal.....(unlike me). Again I was surprised that praising her evoked what I considered a negative reaction. We talked about it & it helped me to see that rather than work on feeling more important to myself, I was still going round thinking of everyone else as big and important (and me as insignificant). I have put that balance right now and although it felt a little uncomfortable in that particular session - it was really helpful.
Hope this helps you decide what to do ...... let me know how you are getting on.

[WalkingWithSpiders]

Thanks for the responses! OK, this is probably going to sound really bad, but talking to him about it is complicated by the fact that he's my marriage counselor. I certainly would not want to discuss it in front of my husband, and I'm unsure of whether it would be OK to just meet with him for a bit separately.
The main thing it comes down to really is empathy. My husband (H) doesn't have issues with anxiety or depression, so I think it's hard for him to understand. On the advice of both my individual counselor (a woman) and marriage counselor (MC), I've tried to tell H what I want/need, like if I'm crying I want a hug, or if I'm having a panic attack I want him to maybe squeeze my hand and tell me it will be OK. I tend to apologize when I'm having a panic attack because I feel like it's annoying to him and then he gets mad that I'm apologizing and tells me to stop. A couple weeks ago, he did say "it's OK" when I was starting to panic, but it felt like he was saying it out of obligation, not genuine compassion. Etc.
Meanwhile, MC is very empathetic. There was a time maybe 3 months ago when I was completely sobbing in one of our sessions, and for some reason I apologized to MC about crying (duh of course it's ok to cry in a therapist's office!), and just the way he looked at me and said "It's OK" really affected me. This is going to sound really cheesy, but it was like he was hugging me with his voice or something.
Meanwhile, with H, if I get upset, he just doesn't seem to react at all, like I could be sitting there sobbing,and he just does nothing, like ignores it.
Plus MC is really good at figuring out what's really going on with what I'm thinking/feeling. Like he'll pick up on a certain phrase I'll use to describe something and be like, "OK, you said this--why did you say it that way? Could you mean x?" Or he (MC) figures out why I'm doing things, like apologizing all the time for things. Basically, he said, because I'm feeling insecure and need reassurance. (And he said that sometimes he feels insecure and also needs affirmation). This was discussed in front of H of course, but H still seems to get annoyed at my apologizing (even though I think I"m doing better with it!) That's the case with a bunch of things, where we discuss stuff in a session, and I think H will have a better understanding of what I'm feeling and what I want/need, but not much really changes.
And to respond to your question, Tessar, yes MC does share some personal stuff from his life, in relating to us. So it feels more personal, like he's revealing himself more. My IC very rarely does this (she has a very different style, though she's also awesome!)
I've rambled on enough--thanks for listening if anyone got this far!

[WalkingWithSpiders]

OK, thought I'd go ahead and update, in case anyone was curious:
Big Update (bigger than I was expecting today): Was meeting with my individual T to discuss how to handle things with marriage counselor (MC) (she'd talked to two colleagues about it). They all seemed to agree that I should approach MC and see if he'd be willing to have an appt. without my husband (assuming H agreed to it). My T said if he seemed reluctant, then with my permission, she could talk to him and be like, "You should really meet with WWS. Trust me."

I could fill you in more on our session, but what happened after is more interesting. I was debating about e-mail vs. phone call, and she said that MC was in the office then, so maybe I could just talk to him in person after we were done. We finished up, she went to check (he's next-door to her), saw he was walking out in the hall, then poked her head back in and was like, "Wait here, not sure if he's with a patient or not." So then she brought him back and he said he had a couple minutes.

He and I then went in his office. My plan was just to see if he'd be willing to have a solo session, and if so, maybe set it up. I broached that topic, saying I thought something was interfering with our therapy. He seemed like he might be OK with it, then started trying to figure out what was going on. He's like, "Am I doing something wrong? Is it something I'm doing?" and I'm like, "No." I was trying to get across that it was more something with how I relate to him. And he said, "Am I doing something to make you uncomfortable?" and I was like, "No," (wanting to say "Quite the opposite!") I was like, "It's more in how I relate to you." He asked something else, and I was like, "No." (I think we went through a few other things-- It was like Therapist 20 questions.)

Finally, he seemed to get it and was like, "Is it that you're attracted to me?" and I said quietly, "Yes, emotionally and physically." And he goes, "Yay! Someone's attracted to me!" Which made me smile of course, and he said he intentionally reacted that way because he wanted me to know it was totally normal and OK and that we could work through it. He also joked that I needed to work on my taste in men (he's very self-deprecating, which is part of what makes him endearing). He was saying how the nature of therapy makes it more likely and, "Not to sound arrogant, but this isn't the first time it's happened to me." So he made me feel totally OK about it (of course I was still shaking! and a little teary) and said we could go ahead and set up an appt. with just me to talk about it.

Husband and I see him on Monday (that won't feel awkward for me at all!!!), so we'll check in with H then to confirm he's OK with a solo appt. (We tentatively scheduled one for Wed.) Before realizing my feelings for him, maybe 6 months ago I'd actually approached MC about having a few individual sessions with him because he seemed to have some good insight into how my brain works (plus I was kinda mad at my individ. T at the time). He seemed reluctant, so we didn't, and I told H about it, and he said he would have been OK with me seeing MC a few times on my own. So I suspect he'll be OK with it, just not sure what to say it's about! And I get the sense that MC won't think we need to share the exact content with him *because* of what it's about (I'm assuming it would be different if I approached him because I was having an affair or something).

And MC still shook my hand when I left, like he does when we end our sessions, which made me feel relieved (was afraid he'd be all like, trying to stay physically away from me).

I'm feeling a combo of relief that it's out in the open and that he reacted so well to it (of course, that also kinda makes me like him more...sigh.) Plus I'm kinda freaked out because I totally hadn't intended to tell him quite like that, and now it's out there, so I can't exactly take it back! And I have no idea what all we're going to talk about Wed. (I figured it would have taken me half the session just to get out why I needed to talk to him!) Plus I'm afraid I'll be acting weird when we ask H about the individual session, but hopefully it will be OK.

So...there you go.