I just lost a family member - my grandma - to old age/congestive heart failure/failing lungs at 98. It was expected but the timing week wise was a bit of a shock. I missed saying goodbye to her by 9 hours. I had visited two weeks before and spent time listening to her stories of her life which was great but still. She lived a happy and long fulfilling life. She was very stubborn and always said no big funeral - no casket - no wake etc. She just wanted to be cremated and stuck in the ground. I have zero in the way of closure I feel because of this. Not sure if that's something most people really need to move on. I was really really close to her. I had my other grandmother die a bit younger about 9 years ago however even though I was sad for a bit, I did not lose it. I was states away from her and she had manic depression and her memory was not so great due to shock therapy so it was hard to get close to her and stay close because she would just forget you the next day sadly - I really felt for her but there wasn't a bond and not much to be missed (as awful as that sounds)... not like Fran (this one).
My mom (her daughter) does not help the cause much. She is selfish and asks about my feelings only days later just to run over them with her interests and her negative days and feelings etc. More put off by my blue hair and just wanting to "get things over with and move on" at the cost of whoever's feelings I may add, she has tried to push me away from being there to witness her ashes going into the ground.
I was depressed before, but now I'm even more depressed. And no it's not doable to find out the cemetery, other details etc and "crash" it/show up unexpectedly. I'm getting to the point of just wanting to sit down and cry and stuff my face in ice cream like I did when I was a teenager. Maybe it worked then, but would it really work now? Yeah...
Enough about the situation though and more about my anxiety in relation to this situation;
Does having anxiety and panic attacks make your depression worse during grieving?
Does it cause more obsessive-like thoughts about death of the person (kind of like worrying about your own death one day - that level of worry)?
What did you do to get through this and start being all around happy again?
I have so much reason to be happy even with this loss. Of course, my home life and school and having panic disorder are all crap. I do have my lovely amazing daughter and someone that takes up 100% of my heart that isn't preoccupied by my daughter already. I also have a job that is pretty understanding as well as a few close friends with an open non judgmental ear and helpful words.... but I'm still finding it hard not to be depressed this week. And I have had amped up # of panic and anxiety attacks throughout the day after her death.
I have moments throughout the day where I just find myself stopping what I'm doing and thinking about the last time I saw her, the last time I didn't see her, what she felt in the end, and well after that it's a dead end for me in wondering - I am ZERO percent religious... so I don't even have that.
Thanks for listening to me rant about this.
I just feel like total crap and I swear my panic disorder is making it worse. And I've never felt depressed like this.
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