Hi Everyone,

Its been a long time since I've posted on here and in the nicest possible way I was hoping I wouldn't need the support of this site again but I've finally accepted my anxiety has reared its ugly head once again.

I had my gorgeous twin girls 8 weeks ago after a difficult pregnancy, there were a lot of concerns over the health of the girls, I was poorly all the way through the pregnancy, I had a c section that terrified me, the girls and me were in hospital for just over three weeks which I found extremely difficult, one of my girls had feeding issues which I blamed myself for (totally irrational), some of the nurses in the hospital were horrible, I was given conflicting information about caring for my girls by many of the nurses and now we've been home for over 5 weeks I've become more and more anxious and extremely low.

It came to head yesterday morning when through floods of tears I asked my partner not to go to work as I didn't want to be on my own, he's brilliant and didn't even hestitate, even if he had I would probably have begged him not to go. I just couldn't bear the thought of another day on my own.

I knew twins would be hard I didn't realize how hard, I don't stop all day, its a never ending treadmill of prepare bottles, change, feed, burp, I rarely go out as we've been waiting for a part for the pram, I feel extremely isolated during the day, aside from feeling pure exhaustion aswell.

I'm scared stiff something will happen to the girls, they're on different formula, what if I get them mixed up? Thats one of many worries, I'm also having the awful intrusive thoughts that make me so anxious. I've had OCD on and off for many years, its back now, mainly focusing on things with the girls such as preparing bottles.

i think the worse thing is I don't feel connected to them, I'm worried I don't love them, but I must do because I would go to the moon and back for them, I would hunt anyone down that ever hurt them and I'm already worried about them being bullied at school or being attacked in some way whilst they're out on they're on when they're older. I'm dreaming about taking them to Disneyland when they're older and hopefully I would like to save for that now. So I must love them right? Is it anxiety making me think otherwise? I saw them when they were born briefly but then didn't see them for over three hours after, has that affected my bonding with them? I'm not close to my Mum and don't want the same for us, I want to be their bestest friend in the world and I want them to always be able to come to me.

Aside from all this I find it extremely difficult when they're both crying at the same time, it makes me so anxious but I've only got one pair of hands and don't know how to deal with two crying babies at the same time, I live in fear of it all day and it did happen last Friday, luckily my partner was on the way home from work but it didn't stop me crying and feeling extremely stressed and anxious.

Anyway after a very low point yesterday I;m being referred to the Perinatal Mental health team, hopefully they can help me.

Thanks for reading my very long post, any thoughts on my story would be most welcome.

Clare xx