I have always wanted to write here. I really need to let out what has been bottled up in me for a long time. I am glad that I found this forum. I have been reading the posts here and I know that I can share my thoughts, my feelings, my fear without being judged. I have always known that I have health anxiety. And I realize my biggest obsession is consulting Dr Google for any minor aches and pains. I tried and ohh how I tried to refrain but my fingers seem to have a power of their own to click on google. I realize that I will always be checking myself for any bumps or lumps. Even the normal cellulite will send my mind into thinking of lymphoma. Everything centers on the Big C. One day I found one tiny lump under my left armpit and I spent my waking hours to google about it, I spent my working hours going to the ladies just to feel it. I was convinced I had breast cancer or maybe lymphoma. I spent days obsessing over it, losing sleep and appetite over it. Until I gathered enough courage to see my regular GP. It turned out it was just an infected hair follicle.
Then I had developed chest pain and some breathlessness. I was convinced I had heart problem. My fear was an impending heart attack. I had one bad episode of chest pain and my hubby rushed me to the ER and did an ECG. It was normal. The doctor said it was just my gastritis and recommended to see a gastroenterologist because the symptoms I had mimic GERD or heartburn. I put it off and continued worrying instead until the second time I dragged myself to ER because of similar chest pain. Another ECG and this time they found a minor abnormality - something with T inversion. It so happened my cardiologist friend was at the ER at that time and he took a look at my ECG and told me that it was just a minor thing. But being me, I was not convinced. He suggested for a stress test if that would put my mind at ease. I did the stress test and the results was normal. It was just a minor abnormality and nothing to worry about. But he asked me to perhaps consider getting treatment for my heartburn. I finally made the appointment to see the gastroenterologist and scheduled for an endoscopy. Yup, I was diagnosed with GERD with mild gastritis and Grade 1 esophagitis. I was prescribed controloc, ganaton, and gaviscon for 6 weeks. My symptoms got better and no more chest pain.
But I realized that after the diagnosis with GERD I became more and more obsessed with my health. I got better after the 6 weeks treatment but I was unlucky I caught some bugs which caused me to have very bad tummy ache and diarrhea. Then I became obsessed with checking my stool, the color, the consistency, the frequency. The days seem to be filled with constant fear and worried. It is like this vice which chokes me breathless. I go through the day with that heavy feeling inside, that constricted feel deep in my gut, that deep ache in my heart. The fear of having something serious. I was so scared of my symptoms are those of colorectal cancer. Then I read in the forum that anxiety does cause these weird changes in your body. True enough, I found that I tend to urinate more, I have lose stool. I lost my appetite. I can't think straight. Again, I took myself to see my doctor. He examined the stomach, did a urine test, blood test and all came back normal. And after two weeks, my bowel movement and everything else were normal. I looked back and realized that I have spent the last two weeks over this. I really cannot go on like this.
I have had a few calm days when suddenly I contracted an eye infection from my hubby. He had it first and I must gotten the germs from him. I have conjunctivities and upper respiratory tract infection. This is the 5th day but I still feel achy and my throat is still sore. Though the doctor convinced me that viral infection will take some time to clear but I just cannot stop worrying. It is now throat cancer because my voice is now a bit hoarse. What if I lose my voice? What if I cannot speak anymore? What if this..what if that..oh my god...I am so cannot stop imagining the worse case scenario. I wish I could channel my highly imaginative mind into something productive and worthwhile..perhaps writing a successful novel like JK Rowlings...
I have an appointment with an Ophthalmologist this afternoon. I was just thinking about my hubby..he had the same eye infection like me, he just seem to sail through it without any worries in the world. No need to see a specialist...no fretting about it...no worrying. Why can't I be just like him? Is the brain of people with health anxiety wired differently?
Does anyone of you experience that fleeting moment of freedom when you stepped out from the doctor's office after being given the reassurance that everything is well and fine with you? That moment of feeling like a big boulder being lifted off your shoulder? The feeling of like you breathe easier, your food tastes better, your world seems to be so beautiful? But unfortunately that moment does not last long. Not long after that I will be back with obsessing over another symptom; another created illness.
A normal sore throat is throat cancer to me. A sore breast before period is breast cancer. An achy joint is rheumatoid arthritis. A migraine is brain cancer. A feverish feeling is lymphoma. Every single this is associated with a serious illness. I tried to brush it off and take control of my mind. When I seem to finally get to calm down a bit and talk some sense to myself, I will ask myself what if the symptoms are real. What if those are signs my body is giving me. And because I attribute it to health anxiety, I miss the early signs. Has anyone had this kind of thinking? Then it becomes like a vicious cycle to me...a cycle with no end. I was imagining myself stuck on the wheel and being spun around and around.
It has been a very tiring journey. Emotionally draining. But at least I can find some comfort reading the thread in this forum. I know that I have to beat this somehow and to get help. There are more to write and to share but do not want it to be so lengthy. At least I have made the first step of writing it here and sharing it with all of you.
It is Friday morning here. I wish you all a blessed day and a great weekend ahead.
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