Hi all, this is my first thread on here so apologies if I ramble a bit.
I'll try and get straight to the point. I've always suffered depression/social anxiety/heightened anxiety throughout my life, but after having a nervous breakdown four years back, panic attacks became more frequent.
Now, whenever I had a panic attack up to a period about 1.5 months back, I've kind of just got on with my life as normal, gone out as usual, not thought about them. If they happened (and they often did) I'd just get over them best I could and cope with it, glad that I'd got through them, I wouldn't obsess over when they'd happen again.
But on a Friday in early December last year, I suffered a 'chain' of them over a period of days and it knocked me for six. I went to do my shopping (only 2 items!) in a supermarket that I've been using for over 20 years and the moment I went through the turnstile I got 'the fear' and had to rush straight back out, and had to sit on a bench outside for half an hour until I got my breathing/swallowing/sweating/heartbeat in check. I tried to compose myself enough, but I simply couldn't go back in, and went home empty handed.
Saturday went the same. I have had this routine for a couple of years when I go out on a Saturday afternoon on the bus to three different places just to shop, kill time, go out of my area for a change of scenery etc. I'm normally out four/five hours, but this time I got on the bus, the panic more or less immediately started, though I managed to 'fight' it enough for the 20 minute journey and got to my destination (Wakefield.) My immediate urge when I got there was to get straight back on the bus back, but I resisted. I walked around in a haze for about an hour but could barely enter any shops. I stuck it out for about an hour, just walking the streets, walking real slow to not over-agitate myself, and went back home, feeling totally ripped apart. The previous week had been no problem, I was totally OK, and I was shopping as normal.
I've been travelling around on my own on buses for 16 years, often on journeys lasting 90 minutes or so, and now a 20 minute journey is a problem, anything over feels like an impossibility!
After a fair few weeks of struggling with this problem, I've managed to 'conquer' the supermarket to a certain extent, and can do a small amount of shopping if there's not too many people in, and I have managed to go to the local city centre (Leeds) by means of gradually exposing myself and using breathing techniques/taking a water bottle/walking slowly, but it's just not the same as it was - the thought of panic is always at the back of my mind. I've even been back to Wakefield, and managed to go in a few more shops, but the mind has changed and it's really scary.
This morning, when I was thinking of going out as normal, I felt a massive anxiety and started trembling/feeling slight nervy convulsuions etc. I didn't really want to go out, not only because of the anxiety, but because the weather was bad and I just fancied chilling out. I didn't go out but wondered whether I should've, just to fight the anxiety. I'm just really unsure about things right now and it's shredding my brain.
It's strange - it just feels like the floor has dropped from my world.
Am I now agoraphobic and will I ever be able to go out 'naturally' again?
Can I stop my world shrinking by nipping this thing in the bud??
(PS: Apologies for the long post.[:I] )