Becoming agoraphobic at 32??!

[DanDan]

Hi all, this is my first thread on here so apologies if I ramble a bit.

I'll try and get straight to the point. I've always suffered depression/social anxiety/heightened anxiety throughout my life, but after having a nervous breakdown four years back, panic attacks became more frequent.

Now, whenever I had a panic attack up to a period about 1.5 months back, I've kind of just got on with my life as normal, gone out as usual, not thought about them. If they happened (and they often did) I'd just get over them best I could and cope with it, glad that I'd got through them, I wouldn't obsess over when they'd happen again.

But on a Friday in early December last year, I suffered a 'chain' of them over a period of days and it knocked me for six. I went to do my shopping (only 2 items!) in a supermarket that I've been using for over 20 years and the moment I went through the turnstile I got 'the fear' and had to rush straight back out, and had to sit on a bench outside for half an hour until I got my breathing/swallowing/sweating/heartbeat in check. I tried to compose myself enough, but I simply couldn't go back in, and went home empty handed.

Saturday went the same. I have had this routine for a couple of years when I go out on a Saturday afternoon on the bus to three different places just to shop, kill time, go out of my area for a change of scenery etc. I'm normally out four/five hours, but this time I got on the bus, the panic more or less immediately started, though I managed to 'fight' it enough for the 20 minute journey and got to my destination (Wakefield.) My immediate urge when I got there was to get straight back on the bus back, but I resisted. I walked around in a haze for about an hour but could barely enter any shops. I stuck it out for about an hour, just walking the streets, walking real slow to not over-agitate myself, and went back home, feeling totally ripped apart. The previous week had been no problem, I was totally OK, and I was shopping as normal.

I've been travelling around on my own on buses for 16 years, often on journeys lasting 90 minutes or so, and now a 20 minute journey is a problem, anything over feels like an impossibility!

After a fair few weeks of struggling with this problem, I've managed to 'conquer' the supermarket to a certain extent, and can do a small amount of shopping if there's not too many people in, and I have managed to go to the local city centre (Leeds) by means of gradually exposing myself and using breathing techniques/taking a water bottle/walking slowly, but it's just not the same as it was - the thought of panic is always at the back of my mind. I've even been back to Wakefield, and managed to go in a few more shops, but the mind has changed and it's really scary.

This morning, when I was thinking of going out as normal, I felt a massive anxiety and started trembling/feeling slight nervy convulsuions etc. I didn't really want to go out, not only because of the anxiety, but because the weather was bad and I just fancied chilling out. I didn't go out but wondered whether I should've, just to fight the anxiety. I'm just really unsure about things right now and it's shredding my brain.

It's strange - it just feels like the floor has dropped from my world.

Am I now agoraphobic and will I ever be able to go out 'naturally' again?

Can I stop my world shrinking by nipping this thing in the bud??

(PS: Apologies for the long post.[:I] )

[wobily_lin]

Elo Dan,

Well done again.

I totally getcha here...I have PTSD..a trauma sufferer.anxiety n depression..I have it 4 yrs..

I too am the same as u regardin goin out n inta places so I know..its crap lol

A HUGE WELL DONE for goin and shoppn even tho in ye mind ye didnt wanna b there...you are doin great..

I know all the symptoms, wanting ta run, sweats. panics de lot..

I know it is damn scary...nor is it easy when we feel that way..the key is to keep doin it..facin it..no matter how lil ye venture out..just try n keep at it...becos it does get easier...don't run..walk..and ye doin it already use the breathing technique...it does help.

Try and think positively and yer i know that is hard too...but dont put so much pressure on yeself to go out and climb mountains...n DO NOT feel guilty for not achieving sumat...if ye dont succeed try again n again..

I got myself out step by step literally..day by day..at the time i was a right mess..having panics at home all de time..so i do know..but i kept at it..and got out..lol.

Have ye been ta c ye gp?

You from the sounds of it are a fighter like me...

Believe in urself, have faith in urself..and try not ta dwell on this..cos its our thoughts that is out worse enemy lol..

Please read the home page if ye havnt already and other threads...and pop into chat..ye never know ye may even hav a laff n take ye mind off things for a bit..but ye will get great advice too...

Pls feel free to pm me anytime....we r here for you so dont worry lol...you keep at it matey..ye not mad..unlike me lol...ye just havin a tuff time atm..
Has anyting happened that could b stressn ye out mayb?.................x



Take care,
Lin xxx

"Fear is dat lil darkroom, wer negatives r developed", so positive thoughts okies!!!!!

[thriver]

Hello DanDan,

You don't mention whether you've ever had therapy or been on medication for your panic attacks. It sounds like you know a lot of the coping strategies that people use to calm themselves (like slowing and regulating your breathing).

My experience with panic disorder is that a single really bad panic can start to close the walls in again in many more ways than whatever set off the first panic. I do think that it's good to get back out there as much as you can.

We humans learn some lessons quickly (ouch, fire hurts, do not touch fire!) and unfortunately we learn to react very quickly to harmless situations if we've felt badly in the same situation before. And it can be pretty predictable, in hindsight, what sort of thing will set off a new panic -- you'd just gone through a turnstile which makes a rather loud thump as it locks behind you. Now you're inside the store and the only way out is past the clerks to the exit!

Are you concerned about what other people might think if you were to panic or act strangely? You do mention that you do better with fewer people around. Really, though, most people are so absorbed with their own tasks and thoughts that they rarely notice what others are doing and if they do notice, they don't give it a second thought.

Hope this helps.... and would like to hear more from you.

[Piglet]

Hi Dan,

Welcome to the site

From reading your post I think you are a very brave and determind person and a real inspiration for doggedly carrying on despite feeling really crappy sometimes.

All that occurs to me is that perhaps forcing yourself to do things that show you still can maybe adding extra tension to the situation - on the day that you didn't really want to go out and there was no real need for you to go out, then I wouldn't have done!!

Try and view your shopping trips out as a chance to practice being out (like footballers do with their training sessions to make them more skilled) but don't do it to test yourself. You have nothing to prove to anyone or yourself!

So remember 'practice' don't 'test'!!!

As anxiety sufferers we are allowed choices the same as before we were anxious, when we make sensible choices these cannot be classed as avoidance.

With your spirit I have no doubt at all that you will be doing things again as and when you want to very soon.

Piglet

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[belle]

Hi..
Wow...you not only stayed on the bus when you felt like poop but you managed to walk around for an hour as well!!! That is amazing. A massive well done for sticking it out - very brave indeed.
I don't think i need to say much else, with the determination and strength you seem to already have (which are the foundations of recovery)...i think it'll only be a matter of time before you have life back on track

Sarah x

[DanDan]

Hi again all and thanks for the kind replies.

I'm definitely going to see my GP or somebody about this. I was seeing a psychiatrist and got referred for therapy last year* but after the therapy ended, I kind of let things slide because my depression kind of numbs everything into pointlessness, making me totally unmotivated to do anything for myself in that regard.

(*which was not for agoraphobia, more for stress/depression/SA)

Somebody suggested Diazepam as a remedy for anxiety but I know that GP's tend not to like handing the stuff out. I'd really like to get through this patch 'naturally', without drugs if possible but I can see that I might just be making things too hard for myself that way and might have to give in and take whatever I'm prescribed.

I'm just wondering if this is 'just' a patch, or do I now have to readjust the way I live my life on a permanent basis?

At the moment, I just feel like I'm falling to pieces, and any hope of having a decent life has finally gone down the pan. At the start of 2006, I'd have never considered a thing like this would happen. At the start of 2007, it's happening. Life hands you some very strange cards. :(

I will continue to 'practice' (I'll be 'practicing' tomorrow if I can keep it together enough) but I hope that I'm not 'practicing' for the rest of my life, I'd prefer it if I was just 'doing' like I have been up to a few months back.

PS - Lin: I have been through a lot of emotional stress in mid-late 2006, so I'm sure that must have had some effect on my brain. And I don't think drinking helps.

PPS - thriver: I am concerned with how people might react to me if I panicked, but my main concern seems to be passing out in a place full of strangers with no safe way of return. It's the 'return' thing that seems to consume me. In a way, though it's the biggest place, Leeds is easier because if things get too bad and I need to leave without getting on a bus, it's only a 25 minute walk and I know one or two people who work there so if the worst came to the worst, I could call them. But anywhere else, it's just total uncertainty, unless I pass the 2 hour mark and the panic subsides.