Lump in breast

[blue moon]

Thinking of you Mael

Love Petra x

[mael]

Thank you everyone, I reciprocate the loving thoughts

I am halfway through a gruelling radiotherapy course (30!) with surprisingly little side effects (virtually none, apart from occasional brain fog and hunger panics that can only be appeased by fresh veggies and a 800g t-bone). After which I'll have to do hormonal therapy for ten years or so

I refused chemo or further operations; there were some better odds but it was all a bit controversial, and the madness of the therapeutic process was too much for fragile me. Also, my disillusionment with the treatment process is so massive that I wouldn't allow a needle anywhere near me -- too risky... (the rads staff tho are serious pros, kudos).

Mentally I am on the mend. The possibility of nearing the end of my life is very much at the forefront of my thoughts, but I still enjoy myself, and I've had quite a few epiphanies about what means being me. I have some days where I am pretty much my happy old self; and anyway work keeps me very busy and very much out in the world. I was supposed to take some holidays but I've been proposed a golden contract (the irony!) and I am currently negotiating it, for once without much anxiety as both outcomes (taking it or not) have some very nice aspects.

With time, even tragedies become stale, and most of me has now moved on, maybe prematurely. I do have horrible memories of some months ago, when I started to write here. It was probably the worst period of my life so far, and without this forum I don't know how I could have managed. So, very heartfelts thanks

[swgrl09]

Mael, I am so happy to hear from you!!! I am also really glad you aren't having too many side effects from the treatment right now. Fresh veggies and a t-bone, at least you are craving something delicious! What is the hormonal therapy going to be like?

You know, it's your body and your life, and as you said some of the chemo was a bit controversial. I am glad you have good staff around you and helping you.

Also good to hear you are feeling better mentally. Something like a cancer diagnosis can throw anybody for a major loop. Of course you would have thoughts about the possibility of the end of your life coming near, how could you not? But the fact that you are still able to enjoy yourself and live your life mean a lot. Also great to hear that work is not causing you anxiety - good luck with whatever you decide re: the contract

I haven't been in your shoes, but I wonder if maybe it has just become something you had no choice but to move on from? Otherwise how would you live your life?

I wish you the best and hope you continue to feel better. I hope your treatments go well too. Understandably you probably don't have a lot of time to come on here, but if you ever pop in again, let us know how you are doing. I'm really happy you checked in.

[mael]

swgrl09, thank you, you're sweet

I was reminding myself to come here and say hi to you, Pulisa, Fishmanpa, Sam, and all the lovely people who have supported and encouraged me through my lost Summer -- since quite a while. I was worried you may think I may be dead... after all, my mental health was quite shaky at the beginning (and oh, I have cancer... ). But no, I am still around for now -- I just couldn't remember to check in when I had time and a laptop (because, ah, my cat destroyed my work machine..., but that's small fries, lol). Overall, so much happened in so little time. And every day i go to rads and then I go to work, thanks $deity all is in West London so I don't have to travel lots, but I am on the go all day and it's a all a bit of a confused whirlwind.

My prognosis isn't desperate; I have between 50% and 65% chances of 5yrs survival without treatment (having refused the diagnostic operation, it cannot be very accurate) -- and the treatments add a rough 20% to those. So, the odds are, even at the very worse, still in my favour. It chills my spine a bit to think in this terms, I admit, to lay down numbers like it were a horse race instead of my mortal coil -- but maybe all this thinking about death is mostly unconscious bargaining ("If I don't discount it, it won't happen!" ), as probably is all this voluntary busyness. I don't know.

I will keep in touch and pop round more often -- this forum is truly wonderful. Goodnight, and a big hug

[pulisa]

I'm so pleased that you have posted on here, Mael. All I can say is that you are hugely courageous and I truly admire your attitude to what life has thrown at you. I would like to think that I could be like you if I were to receive a similar diagnosis but doubt whether I would have your strength of character.

Please keep in touch on here as and when you can? I do appreciate that you lead a very busy life but I think all of us on here really want to support you as best we can despite the fact that we are behind a keyboard and all we can offer is words..

Warmest wishes xx