Lump in breast

[mael]

Thank you Sam123, I really need some good, sensible common sense injected into me right now. Worrying doesn't help one iota. Usually telling myself this is enough to shake me out of panic mode. But this is more of a case of prolonged duress...

My GP says it's normal, yes, but the doctor at the UCC said I looked like someone who has anxiety issues (which is, in fact, the truth, but I am usually very good at hiding it -- it's true that I arrived there sweating, with shortness of breath, and I asked if I was going to die, LOL).
I am such a happy person when anxiety leaves me alone! It's like I was weighing 10 grams, I fly, I bounce... Sadly, it doesn't happen very often, and never in these last weeks. My normal average state, tho, is not half as bad as the current one.

I will post the outcome of this misadventure, no matter what it is, as soon as I know it. No matter the outcome, I probably need to start doing something serious about my anxiety. A guy I see sometimes has suggested I look into "positive psychology". I was thinking more in the lines of medication, to be honest, but I am open to anything, really.

[Sam123]

Hi Mael,

It really is good that you're open and willing, also motivated. Have you ever considered CBT?

I won't bore you with the details of my story but i've overcome a lot, still work to be done but i know i can and will beat it. I'm actually doing cbt myself through a booklet online which can be done, but your GP can refer you for this if it's something you feel would help. I used to be skeptical about it but that's mainly because i didn't understand it.

I think the key is understanding how anxiety works and core beliefs. Knowledge really is power and it helps. From your posts i really think you are very capable of overcoming your anxiety for sure. Although now is a particularly rough time for you, you still have a great attitude.

I think that it is some what natural to be thinking of the worst case scenario, don't try to control that feeling just let it come and go, as with sounds they come and they go.
Even IF your fear is confirmed, which i do highly doubt it will be, then this is not a positive is it so how can you remain positive? Well you can because you would be ok, you would beat that as you can beat anxiety.
There is always something to be positive about and something to counter the negative with, i'm not saying it's easy but it's definitely there.

I hope your next week isn't too difficult for you, definitely look after yourself and take some time to do that, 'relax' when you can and do things that make you happy and uplifted to try keep the anxiety levels at bay. I;m looking forward to hearing from you with the positive news

[mael]

Sam123, thank you lots for your kind words. I wouldn't be bored to read the details of your story, in fact I am rather curious and willing to listen if you want to share (although, being virtually naturalised British, I wouldn't dare to ask directly ).

I had to google CBT. I now remember that I had heard of it; I am intrigued by reading that you do that by yourself, and you say benefit from it (a talk therapy on your own!). How long did it take for you to see the first positive signs? How much commitment?

In more tranquil times, I looked into Existential Therapy, which seemed interesting and kinda my cuppa. I am the kind of person who does well with both sheer evasion and hard logic, but who tends to shudder away the rosy-tinted glasses. I remember trying a "spiritual exercise" from the Hagakure: "each morning, upon arising, imagine yourself dead in three different ways", and it did made me quite more grounded, as absurd as it may seem. I haven't done it for years; right now, it would probably make things worse

I have no preconceptions tho: I am tired to feel my back rigid as a plank, my breath shallow, not to mention what happens when someone mentions breast cancer during an unrelated conversation, or something else precipitates a crisis of mental self-harming. I want to feel well again, or at least in control. If CBT can help, CBT will be. Or anything else. Is there an introductory reading that you would especially recommend?

[Sam123]

Hi Mael,

So sorry for the late reply! Hope all is well.

It's more the understanding of anxiety and panic, fears and core beliefs. It requires quite a lot of commitment and time, obviously everybody is different and it can be done at your own pace but will need consistency. I would say with in a week i was feeling much more positive.
I've copied some threads below for you for more information, hope this helps.

When is your appointment and how have you been?

CBT - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=169137

Core Beliefs - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=168981

Stacking Exercise - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=167592

Words - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=168527

---------- Post added at 14:25 ---------- Previous post was at 14:22 ----------

This one also

CBT vs Meds - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=168221

---------- Post added at 14:28 ---------- Previous post was at 14:25 ----------

And this - I will stop now, promise

Mindfulness Resources - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=168689

[mael]

Thank you Sam123, I will start tonight to peruse all the links.

I went to the breast clinic today. Long story short, it looks like cancer ("5 out of 5") but they haven't got the absolute certitude that it's cancer till the results of the biopsy arrive, in two weeks. It's likely cancer, so; not sure if treatable, until the results of the biopsy etc etc.

I am stunned. Since the thing had stopped hurting I was assuming I was in the clear, so it's a bad turn of events I hadn't foreseen.

Wow. That's bad luck.

[Sam123]

Hi Mael,

Thanks for updating. I am really sorry to hear this news, did they give you any more information other than it looks like cancer? I suppose they may not know until the biopsy results as you say.

How are you feeling?

[mael]

Sam123, I spent the evening updating on Facebook for the benefit of the closer friends.
My cousin, the only family I've got in London (and, tbh, the only family member I can bear to have a relationship with, my family being very dysfunctional) offered me to go out, but I've been stabbed twice and I didn't feel like going out, so I have postponed it to tomorrow and taken a day after work as well.

Re: having been stabbed twice, they gave me two punch biopsy's which according to Google it's meant to diagnose inflammatory breast cancer, which it's the worst possible outcome.

It's really like no news. It might be necrosis (benign, but a very far outlier, 1-2%), a bog standard breast cancer (apparently the most likely diagnosis, statistically) or IBC (awful, and a far outlier, 0.001%, so unlikely I'd be inclined to discard if it were for mere probability, but... I've been tested for it, I have most symptoms, and I feel so crushed, that it seems probable. Based on mere statistic, if it were benign, I would shrug it away as an extremely unlikely hope, the dream of a deluded woman, but since it's malignant, it seems very possible. As I said, my brain is a sadistic one). My empirical, experienceable symptoms all considered, it may be one of the three. No idea which one.

I am a teetotaller but tonight I've been drinking half a bottle of Bacardi and it was just enough to feel vaguely normal. No, I am not happy. The fact that the thing has stopped hurting recently had made me hope for the better, and I am feeling crushed.

My anxiety, unlike last night, seems to keep its ugly mouth shout, but unfortunately it must be just the Bacardi. I never ever drink, I don't even like drinking at all, I dread the very sensation of it, I can't realistically keep this regimen for the next two weeks. I am worried.

---------- Post added at 01:04 ---------- Previous post was at 00:46 ----------

On a side note, I wanted to say that I relate with your signature. Reality is a persistent illusion -- I've spent quite a while today musing remotely about this very subject with my best girl friend. She unearthed some writings of our youths, when we were both confirmed existentialists preoccupied mostly with meaningfulness than mundane things like... health. It did me some good: as a predominantly unattached person I am free enough from responsibilities to see things from outside, and from the outside it all seems a pretty mundane event: we live, we die; not much counts much apart from the meaning that we ourselves bestow on our personal narrative. In time, in my middle age, I may have grow too fond of my mortal coil.

But... yes, this is not nothing. And right now I am rather fond of such mortal coil. Again, I am worried.

[Sam123]

Reality is a persistent illusion -- I've spent quite a while today musing remotely about this very subject with my best girl friend. She unearthed some writings of our youths, when we were both confirmed existentialists preoccupied mostly with meaningfulness than mundane things like... health.

Mael, I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time i can only imagine your worry. It's good to hear you have a friend around you for support. I'm no good at giving advice when it's something i haven't experienced myself i'm just trying to put myself in your shoes and how you must be feeling which is difficult.

The wait for the results will be hard and no matter what i say or anyone says this isn't something you will be able to ignore and carry on 'as normal'. As you already know nothing you do now for these couple of weeks will change the outcome of the results, but i do hope you can find some comfort in knowing you're not alone and it could possibly help you to speak to people who have been through this journey themselves. To share your thoughts & feelings with someone.

I'm hoping for the best possible results for you,

[mael]

Thank you for your so considerate words, Sam123. I reciprocate the

I am still drinking tonight, but I am increasingly fed up by it... tomorrow I am back to work and hopefully to a simulacrum of normalcy. I feel pity for myself, but ultimately, that's the hand I've been dealt. I will have to find acceptance, somehow. I won't pretend I am already finding it, in fact, there isn't a single trace of it, but it will have to arrive, eventually.

[swgrl09]

Mael, I am just reading this thread now and just want to say how sorry I am you are going through this. Another member here, Fishmanpa, who has had cancer posted something that resonated with me some time ago ... I believe it was "It isn't cancer until they say it is." I can't imagine the fear you are going through, as well as all other emotions. Honestly, I'd probably be drinking too if it were me so no judgment here. I hope going to work keeps your mind occupied. When do you get the results?